Finding My Way By Acacia Justin's POV of A New Day Has Come Warning : Contains talk about Child Abuse and Incest. -------------------------------------- I can say that the hardest thing I had to do was sit there in Mark’s office and listen to him and Brian talk. Mark wanted me there so I could fill in the blanks… if he missed anything, so we could find out from Brian what was actual memories, and what wasn’t. Now, imagine me sitting there listening to the man… the man I … I love, okay there I said it. I do love him, I really do, but I don’t know when and if I’ll be able to give myself to him fully again. I’m not going to tell him that, but a person can only give so much, and I think I have given Brian so much already that I don’t know what’s left. Go figure. I guess I really am screwed up at least a little. I know I’m a LOT confused, but hey can you blame me? I never thought in a million years that Brian would voluntarily see a ‘shrink’ but he’s here. I was so thrilled that it was hard to breathe. Neither one of us talked much about what happened at the Prom, and when he had… well let’s just say that it wasn’t pretty. I had never seen Brian lose it as much as I had those times he had tried to help me remember. The parking garage was terrible… I was scared for him. I wanted to rip my head open and drag the memories out. If I could’ve done that to take away his pain, I would’ve. One of the things that I totally hate right now is that I have to sit here and pray that nothing come out about my other memories. I hope that Brian won’t mention anything, and I am almost sure… almost – that Mark won’t say anything. I am not ready for him to know about that. “Now, I am going to just mention some things that Justin is ‘remembering’ and I just want you to say yes or no. I am not really looking for actually accounts of things, only if what Justin believes he’s remembering is true. The less information the better. Okay,” Mark explained to Brian. I watch Brian sit back in the chair and nod, his hands laying casually on his lap. I can tell that he’s not as relaxed as he’s trying to portray. I guess that’s one thing that you get for being with someone as long as I had been with Brian. He tries to have this ‘air’ of ‘I-don’t-give-a-shit’ and wants everyone to believe that nothing phases him, but I know better. Brian cares a lot… about everyone. I know that he does not want to do this, but he will for me. Hell I didn’t even ask him if he wanted to… he just told me he would cause it would help, he said. “Justin has stated that he remembers being the only ones dancing,” Mark stated, and Brian nodded. “There was a blue light shining, he said that it looked like the lights at your loft,” he said with a raise of his eyebrow. “Yeah,” Brian said with a small smile on his face. “He said that he thinks he was pushed against the jeep.” I see Brian tense a little, so slight that I don’t know if anyone would be able to catch it. I wonder what it is about that memory that has him so worried. “Yeah,” he says calmly, not allowing his discomfort show in his voice. “You had made plans to meet back at the loft, so that Justin could take Daphne back home, is that right?” Brian nodded, and I just know that he fighting it… he’s trying hard not to remember, and it’s crashing in toward him. I can see it. His eyes are dancing all over the place, his body may appear calm, but I can see the tightening in his neck. “Can we do this another time,” I ask wanting to do anything to ease Brian’s pain. Mark looks over at me, disappointed. “Justin, you know that this is the only way we can be sure that the memories are correct. Brian agreed to do this, so have you. This maybe our only chance,” Mark said softly. “I know that,” I quietly say. “I’m just saying that we might want to do this another time. Brian isn’t here for that long, and we kinda bum-rushed him. He’s not really prepared for this. He was a fucking victim too,” I finally say with a slightly raised voice. “Justin,” I hear Mark begin. “It’s okay,” Brian interrupts. “And I’m fucking here, so you don’t have to talk about me like I’m not.” Brian looks at me as he says that, and I just close my eyes and take a deep breath. “Yes, that was the plan,” he answered the original question. “And that’s when Mr. Hobbs came out to attack Justin,” Mark asked. “Yes,” Brian whispered. I am trying so hard to NOT scream for Mark to stop. I can almost taste the blood from biting my lip – the coppery taste flowing down my throat. “Justin was walking away, and you yelled for him. Hobbs then attacked, right?” Brian nodded. I wanted to say something so bad. Brian already knows that I remember that. That part isn’t in question. Mark looks at me and I try to take a deep breath so that I don’t suddenly lash out at him. I want so badly to stop this, and I can only hope that the opportunity will appear. “Is there anything else you remember Justin?” I shrug. “Some things… but nothing more that Brian can help with right now.” I see Brian look over toward me, I guess he doesn’t believe me, and frankly I KNOW he can’t help me with these. I know it. “What things,” Brian asks quietly. I shake my head slightly, trying to appear all non-chalant about it. I don’t want to bring up that old mess either, but since I have two sets of eyes looking at me, I know I have to say something. “Just stuff that I think happened at the hospital. While I was there… and stuff. Nothing that you’d know about,” I say. I hope that I didn’t let any resentment show in my voice. I almost can’t believe that I’m still pissed that he never showed up to see me once! I have tried to get over that… to say that it was only Brian. He was in a lot of pain too, and it must have tore him up even thinking of being there. Seeing me laying in a hospital bed, unconscious. Just one more thing that I have tried to bury deep within my psyche. Please don’t let them try to bring any of that up. “So we done,” I ask turning to Mark. Mark nodded, and we set up another appointment to try and go over the other stuff. I walk out of the room, and Brian tells me that he will be out soon. He wanted to ask Mark something, and I want to pull Brian out of there. I don’t know what I’m more afraid of… Brian asking questions about the Prom, or trying to find out what else I may be hiding. I know, I shouldn’t be thinking that. Brian wouldn’t try to betray me like that… but then again, it’s exactly what he would do. He’s always tried to protect me, and if there was something that could hurt me, he would do anything to try and stop it. That’s just the way he is. I love him and hate him for it. When Brian came out he grabbed my hand and we left the building. He knows that I’m just dying to ask him what he talked about, but I keep silent. I’m not going to pester him. I have grown up enough. I know what he’s doing, and although I don’t like it, I respect it. He’s doing what he feels he has to do… and when he’s ready he’ll tell me. I am NOT going to ask… no way… but damn is it hard. I can feel it just inching away inside of me… waiting at the tip of my tongue to come out. But I won’t. Hell no. “You going to ask me what I was talking about with Mark,” he asked me. God I could just fucking kill him. I’m trying NOT to say anything and here he goes a head and tries to open up a door. “No,” I say. “It’s none of my business. As long as you weren’t discussing my ‘case’ then I don’t care. It doesn’t effect me, so why should I care.” “Liar,” he laughed. “You’re just dying to know,” he said as he stopped and stood in front of me. “You want to know… it’s just waiting to come out, isn’t it Sunshine?” I look him in the eye and give him a small smirk. “No, it’s not. And … fuck you.” “What’s that for,” he asks as he places his arms over my shoulder. “Just what I said. Fuck. You. You think you’re so smart. That I will just beg, and plead until I get it out of you. Well for your information, I don’t care. You could’ve fucked him in there, and it would’ve been none of my business.” Brian raised his eyebrow at that remark, and I know that he’s trying not to call me a liar again. What I told him is the truth… for the most part. I don’t care. I am not going to ask, if for nothing else than he expects me to. I can be stubborn too. Brian laughed at me, then took my hand as we walked down the street heading back toward his hotel room. I guess I should be lucky that it’s the weekend, and I don’t have classes today. I want to be with him, but I’m almost afraid that the longer I’m with him, the harder it will be to keep my secret. Everything was good for the remainder of the day, and almost all of the next. It was our last night together when he finally couldn’t hold it in any longer. I know it’s just been tearing him up – the not knowing – since the day I saw him on my bed at the dorms. I was sound asleep, but I could feel myself start to waken as I reached out toward Brian, and noticed his side of the bed was empty. Getting out of bed, I pulled one of the sheets around my body and walked into the living area. “Bri,” I quietly asked not wanting to startle him. “Is everything okay?” Brian’s just sitting on the couch, sipping from his drink. It looks like he’s reading something, what I don’t know. I mean it’s not like I really have a wide selection of things to read here… only my school books. As I moved closer to the couch, I immediately realize that he’s not reading anything -- He’s looking at my sketch book. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing,” I ask him as I reach over and take the book out of his hands. Brian looked up at me, trying to look innocent. If it’s one thing that I know… Brian is anything but innocent. “Couldn’t sleep,” he said as explanation. By the look on my face, he knows that I’m not going to buy that excuse. We just stand there, staring at each other for what seems like forever. Finally having enough, I just shake my head and head back toward the bedroom. I really need to get out of here before I blow up at him. I am so pissed at that moment that I can’t even breathe. “Justin,” he calls out to me. Picking up my jeans from the floor, I start to pull them on – not even bothering to look at him. I can’t look at him – just the sight of him right now makes me sick. “Don’t even start, Brian. You had no right to go through my personal shit. I thought we had covered this shit already… but I guess I was wrong.” “Then fucking explain to me what the fuck is going on,” he yells as he grabs a hold of my arm. I look him in the eye, just wanting to spit right in his face. “Look, I don’t have to explain anything to you, Brian. You just have to accept that there are some things that you can’t fix… some things that I have to take care of on my own,” I tell him as I pull my arm out of his. “Just fucking tell me!” Closing my eyes, I sit down on the edge of the bed. “It’s something that I don’t know if I can really talk about. I still haven’t been able to process it myself… how can I explain it to anyone else. I don’t even know what really happened.” I lean forward and put my head in my hands, trying to come up with something… ANYTHING. The anger from before has just completely left me, and all I want to do is go back to bed. Brian slowly runs his hand up and down my back, trying to help calm me. “Maybe I can help… Just tell me what is going on.” Brian put his hand under my chin and lifted it so we were eye to eye. “I’m sure nothing can be as bad as what is going through my mind, Justin.” Taking a deep breathe, I stand and walk over to the window. “I wouldn’t be too sure, Bri. There are things that have happened… that I’m finding out that happened that can blow even you’re mind, I’m sure.” I can feel him behind me, so I turn to face him. Not wanting him too close, I lean up against the wall, and cross my arms over my chest. “I don’t even know it all myself… it’s just pictures, feelings that I get.” I close my eyes, and will the tears from falling. I don’t want to seem weak… I don’t want him to try and come to the rescue. “Since I started with Mark… I’ve been… remembering, I guess you could say, some things that I don’t know if I can really explain to myself even.” Brian moved over so that he could lean up against the wall next to me. I move a little farther away, not able to deal with him right now, and I can see the hurt quickly appear and disappear in his eyes. I don’t mean to hurt him… it’s just that this isn’t easy for me, and having him close by – well THAT close is not something that I want to deal with – that I can deal with. “Tell me.” “You know, I wanted to wait… need to wait.” I turn slightly so that I can look at him. “Brian… this is something that I have to figure out. As I said… I’m not even sure if it’s real, or if I watched one too many After School Specials,” I laugh slightly. Brian didn’t laugh, and I only wish that he wouldn’t push this issue… but I know that there’s no way that this won’t happen. “You’re not going to let this slide for now, are you?” “Nope,” he informed me – not that I didn’t expect any other answer besides that one. Taking a deep breathe I walk over to the discarded sketchbook. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, I look over the sketch of one of the images that has haunted me for months. “Fine, but keep in mind, I don’t know if it’s real or not. I don’t know what’s real anymore really,” I quietly add. “I’m sure you already have an idea what it means… I mean, it’s not hard to figure out really. I guess… I guess I know why my dad never could get over the fact that I’m gay,” I tell him. I hope to god that he understands what I’m trying to say without me getting into detail. Not that I think he will let me of the hook like that, but I silently pray. “Oh I have an idea,” he told me as he sat down on the other side of the bed. “I need you to tell me. Cause I can tell you, what’s going through my mind right now…” See what I mean? I knew he wouldn’t let me off. Fuck me. Okay, I guess I had better start from the beginning. Maybe if I do that, then he will catch on without me actually saying what it is. It’s stupid I know – not being able to say it out loud. I can say it in my mind… well for the most part I can – but it’s something else to say it out loud. It’s like it will make it real. There’s no going back after that. Mark had been trying to get me to say it since the first time I had mentioned it. I just don’t know if I can. “Fine, but if I’m going to do this.. you have to promise me somethings first.” Brian looks at me and shrugs, “like what?” Well at least he didn’t yell at the idea. “Okay,” I begin. “I need you to not say anything, nothing. This … it isn’t easy and if you interrupt, I may not be able to finish.” Brian rolls his bottom lip into his mouth, thinking it over. “Fine,” he agrees. “And?” I turn to face him and reach over to take his hand into my own. “Just two .. no three more things really. I need to you stay right there… don’t move. Don’t try to comfort me… nothing.” I can see the fear begin to rise in his eyes, and I know that it will be difficult for him to do. He has never liked to see me hurt, he HATES to see me hurt in any way – so if he thinks that I’m in pain he’ll do whatever he has to do. The funny thing is, that is the easiest request I’m going to give. “Okay,” he said as he moved to sit back against the headboard of the bed, far enough away to not touch, but close enough I can still feel him there. “No matter what I say, no matter what, you’ll still get on that plane tomorrow,” I tell him. He agrees without real thought. I know that he’ll regret this promise the most – there’s no doubt in my mind. “Lastly, you have to promise me that you won’t do a thing about what you hear. You won’t try to get revenge, or confront anyone… nothing. I mean it, Brian. If I find out that you did anything that’s it… it’s over.” “What the fuck is all this shit about,” he asks. “Do you promise,” I ask him. I need this one thing from him. I need his word. “Fine! Yes! Now what the fuck is going on? What does your father have to do with this,” he practically yells. “Mark told me of the dangers of trying to get my memory back,” I begin. “He said that once I open the door that not only will what I want come out… but things… other things that I don’t remember will most likely come out too. Since you can’t pick and choose what memories come out, you kinda have to go with the flow. I didn’t know… I guess I never thought that it would turn out like this.” I stand and make my way over to the window. I love where Brian’s hotel is… right on the beach. I try to take the peace of the ocean into me so I can maybe get through this. “I think I have finally figured out WHY my dad hates that I’m gay so bad… I think he blames himself.” I turn toward him on the bed, and shake my head. “You know there are studies proving that very thing,” I tell him. “Some fanatics say that if a child is…if someone is a … fuck!” I take a deep breathe and run my hands through my hair. “Why is this so hard to say? I mean it isn’t a hard word… so it should be easy, right? It’s not going to make it any more real, or not real with a word… so why is it so hard,” I ask out loud. Not that I expect him to fully understand, I know he’s thinking of something to say – something to make it easier for me. I move back over the bed, and throw the sketchbook toward Brian. “Those pictures are real… at least I think they are. My da… Craig used to come into my room after Mom was asleep. That book shows what I remember… if it’s true. That’s what he … what I think he did. That’s what I can’t say,” I tell him. I watch him turn on the light next to the bed, and flip through the pages of the book. I never wanted anyone to look at my private books -- there are some things that I just want to keep private… but I don’t know if I can actually say it. I can’t say it. I sit down on the edge of the bed and watch different emotions flash across Brian’s face… anger, revulsion, sadness, you name it.. he thought it. “I haven’t told anyone yet… I need to try and find out if it is real first. I need to try and understand,” I explain to him as he looks at the pictures. I don’t even have to know which picture he’s looking at… they are all ingrained in my mind. I see them every single night when I close my eyes. I feel what that little boy felt back then. A part of me wants to stay detached… that way I can pretend it’s someone else that it happened to. I know that it’s a stupid thing to do, but the few times I’ve tried to think about it as if it was me and not someone else… I lose it. I just totally shut down. I have had people tell me that they would see me just sit there for hours – staring out at nothing. I would snap out of it, and not believe that I have missed hours of my life. It’s just too much, most of the time… thinking about it. I know I can’t deal with it. I’ve tried and I’ve failed. People like to think that I’m strong, that I can deal with anything. I guess I’ve found the one thing that I CAN’T deal with. The one thing that I don’t know if I can ever forgive or get past. “You understand now? I have to try and figure this out, Brian. For my own sanity – on my own.” “Let me help,” he quietly states. “Justin, you’re not alone.” I can hear the pain in his voice… the need to fix things and make them right again. I shake my head. “There’s nothing that you can do, Brian. This is between Craig and I… and mom. I have to try and handle this myself. I can’t have you interfere… it will only make things worse,” I tell him. Looking down at my hands, I think about who I have… who I can trust. “I am alone, Brian. Everyone that I thought…” I can feel the tears start to build behind my eyes, and I curse myself for letting this get to me. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t allow that. I take a deep breath and stare down at my hands. “No one can understand… no one knows. Hell I don’t understand! I don’t understand how the one person who I trusted with my life… who I loved unconditionally could do that! I don’t understand how I could forget something as important as him fucking molesting me! How could I try so hard to get him to accept me when he did that to me?!” I let the tears fall… I can’t stop them. I feel Brian move across the bed, and slowly wrap his arms around me. “How? Why,” I quietly cry as I lean my head into his chest and wrap my arms tightly around him. “Why?” Brian doesn’t say anything. He just pulls me down with him onto the bed and holds me. I try to concentrate on the feel of his hand running up and down my back. I try to NOT think about anything but him holding me. Finally after what seems like forever, I allow myself to fall asleep in his warmth. I’ll deal with the rest later. Now… now I just want to forget everything, and pretend that life is good. I’ll deal with everything else tomorrow. Brian left that morning, and I was never happier than I was at that moment. Things the night before got more than a little crazy… I told him things that I didn’t want to tell him. I guess I finally figured out that when it comes to Brian Kinney, I’m not as strong as I’d like to believe I am. He always has a way of tearing down my walls, opening me wide open. Fuck, I hate him for that, but I love him for it too. I know, it’s sad. Having someone who is so much a part of you… who is everything to you – well, it’s not easy. Who knows what he’ll do with the information he now has. I don’t like to think about how much control he now has over me. He always tells me that he hates giving me control, but he doesn’t realize how much control he has over me. I don’t know if he will ever realize that, and honestly, I don’t want him to. Of course, before he got on the plane I made him promise to me again that he wouldn’t do anything with the information he now has. He is NOT to see my father… he is NOT to do anything. I had to do this on my own, without his interference. If he was to try and step in, and I find out that it’s not true… hell, there goes any chance of me having a family. So he did promise… albeit very reluctantly. I’m just glad that I got a promise out of him. I have never known him to break a promise yet. So I was sitting in my room that night, just thinking. Wondering where Brian and I stood –and if anyone can figure that out they deserve a fucking medal. I was wondering what I was going to do to try and get the truth. Do I talk to my mom, see if she knows anything? I mean, there is no guarantee that she even knew if it was true… and if it is, then who’s to say that she will actually tell me. This is one big fucking mess and I am at a loss as to what to do. Brian called telling me he made it in safely, and asked me what he could do to help. Of course I told him that he couldn’t do anything. This was my fight, and the ‘great Brian Kinney’ didn’t need to come to the rescue. I had only a month and a half left here before I head back and I would work things out when I got there. I know he wasn’t happy, but that’s the way it goes, right? So sitting here on the plane, with him next to me – a month and a half… almost two months later, I still don’t know what I’m going to do. He came the week before school got out, and we spent another week just being tourists. I felt relaxed. It was nice. Being with Brian… seeing everything that Italy had to offer – it was like a dream come true for me. I only wish that we could have stayed there longer. I think that the best night… or at least the night that most was accomplished was two nights ago. We had just gotten back to the hotel after a night of just exploring the small town, when he had asked the question I wished he hadn’t. “So… when we get back, we’ll just move your things back to the loft.” Okay, so asking would be a little TOO nice, but this IS Brian we are talking about. He just doesn’t ask… he sort of decides and expects you to follow along. Yeah right. I turned to look at him as I was getting ready for bed, with my shirt half way over my head. “Say what?” “I said, we’ll get your stuff from your mom’s this weekend so that you’ll have it for you at the loft.” He told me making it sound like he was talking to a child. “Like hell, Brian!” I yell. I pull off my shirt and throw it into one of the chairs. “Who’s to say that I’m moving back into the loft? I don’t recall ever saying that.” Brian just shook his head like I’m crazy and turned his back and began to undress. “Look, Justin. Where else are you going to stay? At your mom’s? Please, you’d go crazy within a day. You don’t have the money to get your own place, so it only makes sense that you’d move back in.” “Have you ever thought that I might already have a place lined up? Did you?” I yell. God, there are times in my life when I wonder why the HELL I ever put up with him. He’s so infuriating that it’s unbelievable. Always demanding, always needing to be in control. Ahh! I could rip my hair out at times talking to him. “Yeah, right. And where would this place be?” He asked not believing a word I have said. Ohhh, how I want to kill him. I turn toward him with a smile on my face. “For your information, I’m thinking of moving in with Daphne.” Okay… so that’s not entirely true. I haven’t actually confirmed it with Daph yet… hell we haven’t even really talked about it. We have talked about the possibility of it, but that’s it. I guess a little stretching of the truth, but what does he expect? “Right.” he says rolling his eyes. Ohhh what I wouldn’t do to just rip those eyes out of his head right now. “I can see that. ‘You’d go crazy there too.’ “Like living with you wouldn’t drive anyone insane.” I mumble. God, I really hate him at times. “What did you say?” He asked. A part of me was wishing he hadn’t heard me, but I guess that’s just one more thing to add to the list. Yes, I have an ever-growing list of things that I have fucked up on. Oh well, I’m not backing down. Not now. I think I’ve come too far to try and hide what I think and what I feel. Brian’s going to learn that I won’t be pushed around anymore. I can’t. For my own sanity – which I need right now – I’ve made a pact with myself to not let things lay… to say what’s on my mind. So what the hell, I guess it’s time to bite the bullet, right? “I said that living with you would drive anyone insane.” “Excuse the fuck out of me? You lived with me, and you were fine.” He said in defiance. Ohhhh he really shouldn’t have said that. God why couldn’t he just leave well enough alone? Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly. “Brian, we both know that you are NOT an easy person to live with. Between the tricks and the constant ‘this is my home’ shit… it gets a little boring. I’m not saying that everything was bad. We had some good times, but Jesus don’t you think it’s time to grow up and get some balls?” I watch as Brian’s eyes darken… I can almost feel the anger rise within him. “You always do what people expect you to do. Everyone thinks that you’re a selfish piece of shit who doesn’t care about anyone but yourself, so you do everything in your power to prove that they are right. To hell with what you want, what you feel. You will always be ‘Brian Kinney, King of Liberty Avenue’. Well I’m not like you, Brian. I never have been. I need the romance… even if it’s just one fucking night a month. I need to know that I am something more than just a convenient fuck.” I turn and sit down in the chair across from him. “I know that I wasn’t that to you… but I’m telling you how I feel. You’ve always complained that I just let things happen, that I never stand up for myself. Well I’m doing that. I can’t live with you, Brian. I don’t know if I ever will. I want… no, I need someone who only wants me. Someone who is not afraid to show that they care, and who is willing to share their life with me. I want to be with someone who I can share things with. I want to be an active partner in a relationship. I haven’t been that. I have failed in things too… more so than you. But I now know what I need… and I know that the way things are now, I won’t get those from you.” “So what? That’s it?” Brian asks, shocked at what I was saying. Of course as usual he doesn’t understand. Okay, so I’m not really explaining myself that well, but I’m trying. “So once again you decide how things are going to be. I fucking thought we covered that shit already. You were okay with it.” “I …” I begin. Knowing that I am NOT getting across what I want to say, I take a deep breath, trying to get my thoughts in order. “That’s not what I’m doing, Brian. I told you before, when we first started this shit a few months ago, I’m not ready to give you up. I want to be with you one way or another. But I won’t, I can’t live with you until I know that it means something. I need that. My life these past couple of years have been hell. It’s been turned upside down and inside out. I NEED to have something more. I can’t go on living the way I have been. I know that now. I know now that I can have what I want… what I need. I don’t have to rely on anyone. I’ve come so far this past year. I grew up, and I understand things better now. It was something I had to do for myself.” I move over to sit next to him on the small couch, and reach for his hand. Holding it in my own, I look up into his eyes. “Brian,” I begin again. “I know that I don’t need anyone to take care of me. I can do it on my own. If I take the step and move in with someone it will be on equal ground. I have to be able to support, or help support the person I’m with. If I can’t do that, then there’s no point in having a relationship. Everything will be one sided and it will be doomed to fail. I won’t have that. I’m not saying that we can’t go on like we have been. I’ll have my place, and you will have yours. We can see each other, spend time with each other. Hell, I’ll even spend a couple of nights with you, but I can’t live with you every day and every second. Not until things are more equal… and not until you’d be willing to be with me and only me. “Now, I can live with the way things are now. I can. Yes, I want more, but I also know that if things stay this way, I won’t feel the need for more. If I live with you, then that need that I have will grow… it will destroy us. I won’t do that again. It happened once and I won’t put either of us through that again. It’s easier this way. If in time you think that you can give me what I need, what I want then yes, I will move in. But until then… I can’t.” Having said everything that I wanted to, I can only look down at our hands. He doesn’t know how much I would LOVE to move in with him. I will never tell him that. He will never know how much I want to be in a full relationship with him. But I wasn’t lying when I say that I would take things are they are now. It’s that whole catch-22. Either I let him live his life the way he wants, and have what little bit I can get. Or I force what I want on him and lose him forever. Since I can’t live without him, I just have to put my dreams on hold. It may be forever, but for Brian I am willing to wait. God I hope that I don’t have to wait too long. Brian didn’t say much that night, and I didn’t push him. There are just some things that I can’t push onto people. You can’t make people change, you can’t force them to change their ways. They have to want to do it on their own, for their own reasons. If you force someone to do something they don’t want to do, they will resent you. I don’t want that. I never wanted that. It would kill me. Of course, he still hasn’t given up the hope that I will move back in. He still wants to leave that door open. Actually I’m happy that he is, even if he is annoying the fuck out of me. I mean he told me to keep it in mind, and I will. But as long as he realizes why I won’t, I think we will be okay. At least I hope so. Now, only an hour away from home and Brian sound asleep next to me I let my mind wonder. Yeah like I haven’t done enough of that shit on this flight right? Anyway, I often wonder what things would’ve been like… if only. ‘If only I could pretend that none of this happened?’ ‘If only I could go on like I had before?’ ‘If only my father had not done it…’ Did they every really love me? Or was I just a tool? I don’t think that I can ever answer those questions. I don’t know if there are any answers, nor will there ever be answers. It’s just a long line of unanswered questions that I will have to deal with. I’m scared shitless about going home… well back to Pittsburgh. I haven’t had a HOME in years really. What will everyone think? Will they know that some thing is different about me? Will they know me anymore? Have I changed so much that they won’t want to be around me? Stupid questions, but it’s shit that is going through my head and I can’t put it to rest. I wish that I could relax enough to get some sleep. But for some reason, I think that sleep will be a long time in coming. It’s my curse now… unfortunately. Running, no sleep, work, art… my daily regiment. My life. Fuck, I am pitiful. Brian says that everything will work out, and I hope that he’s right. I, however, am a realist. Things – for me at least – have never been easy, and to say that my life has been crazy would be a little understatement. Okay a HUGE understatement. But I want things to work out. I really do. I know that Brian isn't happy with my choices, but for once I'm going to do what I (think) is best for me. I can't listen to what others think I should or shouldn't do. I need to take care of myself for once. I need to know I can do it on my own. I only hope that I can. In three hours I’ll be back there. I will be face to face with my past… a past that I have tried hard this past year to come to terms with. I don’t know if I ready for that. I don’t know if I’m ready to face the truth of what happened, and how things will change. Cause they will change, I know this. You just don’t go up to your father and accuse him of fucking up your life… of taking something from you that he had no right to take. You don’t go to your mother and tell her that she failed in protecting her child. I have to however. I have to do that for my own sake. I have to face this so I can go on with my life. What my life will be like in the coming years? Hell, I have no idea. This is a new road for me, a road that I never thought I would have to follow. Whether it will be traveled with my family or not won’t matter. As long as Brian is there with me, I know that I can make it through. I have to. I will survive this, and I will come out of this in one piece. I know I will. If for nothing else than it’s what I have to do. The minute I walk into the loft, I go to the phone and dial Daphne’s number. I really need to talk to her, and see if her offer from before still stands. Brian brings our bags in and takes them up to the bedroom. I hope like hell that he isn’t going to try and be smart by putting my stuff away too. If he does… well I guess I’ll just deal with that when and if it happens. I get her voicemail, and I can almost feel my heart sink. As much as I love Brian, I really don’t want to be here. The longer I stay in this loft, the more I will want to stay forever. I think he knows that, and I can almost bet he’s counting on it. “Daph, it’s me. Look, call me as soon as you get this. I’m at the loft now. I need to try and get another cell later today, but just leave a message if I’m not here. Call me, okay? Thanks. Bye.” I close my eyes, and try to clear the cobwebs that are forming in my brain. God, I’m so fucking tired, but I want to get settled in at Daph’s before I call it a night. I feel Brian’s hands start kneading the tight muscles of my neck and shoulders, and I instantly want to allow the comfort and just sleep. “Daphne’s not home?” He asks. “No, but I told her to call here when she gets in.” I tell him. Like he doesn’t already know any of that, since I’m sure he had heard every word. Just the feel of his hands on my skin, and the feel of the muscles starting to release is just too good to pass up. I want ot get lost in the feeling, but I know I can’t. “Why don’t you lay down for a little while. You didn’t sleep at all on the flight, and you fucking look exhausted.” He tells me. Like I don’t know. Shaking my head, I pull away from him, and move toward the couch. “I can’t. There’s too much to do, and I might as well get started on all this shit.” Brian moves to sit down next to me, leaning forward so his elbows – looking like he’s struggling with something. And I don’t doubt that he is, but right now, I’m not sure that there’s anything I can do to change it. “Justin,” he begins, and I just KNOW what he’s going to say. I start to say something, but the look he gives me stops anything that would come out. “You need to take a break. You don’t fucking have to do everything this second. Take a break before you collapse. You’re exhausted, I can tell. So either you’ll go over there and rest or I’ll carry your ass there and make you.” I want to argue with him, tell him that he can’t make me do anything I don’t want to. I know that it would be a lie though. Brian can make me do things that I never thought I would do. I know that it’s not an empty threat. Damn him. Nodding, I simply begin to lay down on the couch. I really don’t want to go up to the bed, for a lot of reasons. One being that it’s just too damn far, and the couch is right here. The other being the fact that… you know. If I go up there, I feel that I may never come back down. Fuck I’m so pathetic at times, but I’m just too damn tired to worry about it now. “Justin,” Brian says. I look over at him and he points toward the bed. “Now.” “Brian,” I exclaim. I really don’t want to. If he would have said this two weeks ago, I would have been fine. But now… my resolve to be a man, and make something of myself on my own has been slipping. It’s all because of him, because of what he lets me feel. I feel safe with Brian, something that I haven’t felt in a long time. I don’t want to get comfortable. I have a plan, and I just have to stick to it. Deciding that I had to prove something to the both of us, I stand and make my way toward the bedroom. I can do this, I know I can. Once I get some sleep, my resolve will be fortified, and I can do this. I crawl under the sheets, and look up at him. “Happy?” Brian just shakes his head as he goes about unpacking. For the first time in what seems like days I finally close my eyes. The next thing I remember is waking up feeling Brian lightly running his hand over my arm. He’s learned not to wake me suddenly since I tend to strike out. I roll over to look at him, trying to get the sleep out of my eyes. “Daphne,” he says as I see the phone in his hand. Stretching, I reach out for it, and sit up. “Thanks.” I try to shake the sleep out of my head as I try to remember why Daphne would be calling. I hate the confusion that always sets in the minute you wake up, right before reality sets in. “Hey,” I say into the phone, knowing now why she would be calling. “Hey, so you’re back?” “Yeah. Just got in a couple of hours ago.” I watch as Brian moves out of the bedroom, allowing me some privacy. I don’t know if he’s upset, or not… but the stiffness in his shoulders as he makes his way down the stairs tells me that he’s not pleased with this. He knows what I’m going to do and he still feels that I should just stay here. “Look, what I was wondering is.. well if the offer to move in was still available.” “Are you kidding? Of course it is… you know I’d never turn you away.” Yeah, I do know that. Daphne is not like anyone else in my life… she has always stuck by me… well almost always, but I won’t even go there. I really don’t know what I would have done without her. She stuck by me through this whole mess with Brian… giving me rides, covering for me with my parents. She helped me with the mess at St. James, everything – hell even with dealing with the Prom. I don’t ever want to know what life would be like without her. “So when do you want to move in?” “When can you take me?” I laugh. I finally feel like things just may work out. Hell with the year… scratch that.. the past couple of years I’ve had I fucking think I deserve something. “Really, I can move in whenever you’re ready. I’m going to check with Deb and see if my old job is still available. She said it would be, but you know…” “Ahhh, work.” She play yelled. We both laughed, and I can only shake my head. I feel sorry for anyone who comes by that place after I move in. Daphne and I can get a little … well a little weird. But I need that… I need fun, and playful. I need to be able to relax and not worry about this or that. I need to be able to act like a kid at times. Being grown-up sucks. Brian told me once to enjoy my youth. Well that’s what I finally plan on doing. I will enjoy living with Daphne… experiencing all that college life has to offer. Hell anything has got to be better than sitting here wondering why my father fucking did what he did. Shit! I haven’t really told Daphne about it. Yeah, I sort of touch on it, but nothing too major. I haven’t told her everything that I remember, but she does know that I remember SOMETHING about my dad. Dad—what a fucking joke. Knowing what I know now… what I think I know – I might as well be correct about it – I don’t think I can ever think of his as dad ever again. He was the sperm donor. Daphne tells me I can start moving in this weekend. She said it will give her time to clean it up and clear out the spare room. There isn’t much space in there, and only a small daybed, but I’m not real picky right now. All I need really is a roof over my head. That’s what I need. A sense of belonging. Is Brian upset? Yes. There is no doubt in my mind that he is. He’s upset that I am choosing to live with Daphne and not with him. No matter how many times I have explained to him WHY I have to do this… he won’t believe it. Brian always wants to fix things, but he can’t fix this. I slowly wake the next morning and feel this weight on top of me. I have missed this during my time in Europe. I have missed Brian sprawled out on top of me… engulfing me. I missed him. I feel a little bad that I fell asleep last night without so much as a good-night kiss, but I was just too damn tired. Between the trip, the jetlag… and everything else this past year – I think it’s finally catching up with me. Of course I love this the most. This is the Brian that no one else sees – no one else is privileged to see. See when Brian is asleep, he lets his guard down completely. His hair is a mess, the little bit of drool falling on my chest, and him completely surrounding me. This is the Brian I love… the one that allows me to remember why I love him so much. See I didn’t really fall in love – real love, not the shit from before and right after the bashing, but real love – with the brash, up-front, take-no-prisoner’s Brian. I feel in love with the gentle Brian. The one that only I see. I should feel lucky that he’s willing to share that part of himself with me. I do… really I do. I love him with all my heart, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. The only thing is… he needs to realize that for himself. He needs to realize that he wants me the same way. He needs to be able to give in and just let things ride. I can’t help but wonder what will come of today? Should I go see my mom? Should I attempt to see my dad? What the hell would I say to them? I slip out of Brian’s arms and walk over to the window and pull out my cigarettes. I need to think… plan what I’m going to do next. I need to know where I stand with things. It seems like my whole life right now is just spinning out of control and I don’t know where it will take me. The only thing that seems to be going right is my living with Daphne. Well that and – for the most part – Brian. Of course, it's harder than I thought it would be. I still haven't been able to see mom, and seeing the gang again... At times I wonder why I ever came back. Then I look at Brian, and I know I made the right choice. I made the right choice in coming here with him and not staying in Italy. I could only hide from my past, from my life a while. Things have a way of catching up with you, that’s for sure. I hear Brian crawl out of bed, and feel his arms wrap around my shoulders. His hand reaches for my cigarette, and I watch as he inhales, then slowly release it into the air. “You’re still thinking too much.” He tells me as he hands me back the butt. I slowly put it out in the ashtray, and lean back into him. His arms wrap tighter around my body, and I know I can take comfort in him. “I’m just trying to decide if I want to go see my ol’ man today. Or maybe go and see my mom. I don’t know.” “Are you ready to deal with that shit now? Don’t you think you should get settled in first?” Brian asked me laying his head on my shoulder. “Am I ready? No, but it has to be done. The sooner I get it started the sooner I can move on with my life. The sooner I can be done with it.” I tell him. “I don’t want to, but I have to.” I feel Brian nod. “Want me to go with you?” I laugh slightly. “Oh that would go over well.” I tell him honestly. “Somehow I don’t think they would take too kindly to you being there. I don’t think you would be able to let me do what I have to do without blowing up … or trying to kick my dad’s ass.” I say with a smile. “Not that I don’t think he would deserve it, but since I’m looking for answers… your presence might hinder that.” “He’d be lucky that I just kick his ass.” Brian laughs. He suddenly turns serious and holds me tighter. “I don’t think you should do this alone.” “I won’t be alone.” I tell him. I turn my head to the side slightly so I can place a light kiss on his cheek. “You’ll be there, even if it’s not in person. You’ll be there beside me, giving me strength. You don’t have to be present to be in my heart… in my soul. You’re always with me, even when I try to get rid of you. You always will be. Nothing will change that.” I wait for the standard sarcastic response, but get none. Brian is just looking out the window, making sure to keep me close. “If you want to do something for me, you’ll be here if I want to talk. That’s what I need from you.” Brian nods then turns his head and kisses me on the lips. I feel his tongue lightly run across my lips, seeking entrance, and I open to let him in. I missed his kisses the most while I was away from him. He is by far the best damn kisser I know of. He puts his whole being into each kiss. His arms loosen, which allows me to turn around and reach up to pull him closer to me – deepening the kiss. God, I can never get enough of him. I don’t think I ever will. I start to push him back toward the stairs and the bedroom. I need to feel him, to have him inside of me before I make my way to my mom’s. He lays me down on the bed, and crawls on top of me. God… I can’t really describe the feeling I get when he’s there. I feel safe, secure… loved. His eyes looking down at me – opening up his soul to me. That’s the first thing I noticed about him even back during the first time. When he’s like this, his soul is open… he lets everyone see what he’s feeling, what he’s thinking. That’s why I don’t understand why the tricks actually think they have a chance. Don’t they look into his soul when they fuck? Don’t they see the pain he is in when he fucks them? I know what he’s like with them, and what he’s like with me. I’ve seen him fucking others more times than I care to admit. I’ve seen the way he looks at them. The way he touches them, fucks them. It’s nothing like what he is with me. It’s not even in the same ballpark. His hands move like silk over my body, caressing, arousing, making me come alive. His mouth moves down my neck, placing soft butterfly kisses – blazing a hot trail down my chest toward my hard cock. Oh God… It’s… it feels so good. How could I have ever even THOUGHT of leaving him? How could I have ever thought that he wasn’t enough. What he does to me… fuck!... it’s … nothing can compare. NOTHING! Oh um… Oh God. I… fuck… I can’t even begin to form a solid thought. His mouth is on my cock… fuck! Why – I wonder – did I ever think I could live without him? Brian pulls away and moves up my body, lifting my legs up over his shoulder. I can’t wait much longer… I have to feel him, have him inside me. “Oh God!” I hear myself yell as he pushes all the way in – filling me the way only he can. The pain is only slight, then the pleasure takes over… filling my entire being. Fuck me… I can’t… I can’t even think. I can feel the tension start to build deep within me as he grazes against my prostate with every thrust. His tongue is mimicking the same movements of his lower body, and I can feel myself get lost in the passion. I know I won’t last much longer. Fuck! Can I ever – will I ever get enough of him? I hope not. “Brian!” I moan as the tension gets too much and I have to let go. It’s like a blinding light engulfs me… surrounds me every single time. Stars flash before my eyes, and all I hear is the beating of our hearts – completely in synch. Not that I would ever tell him any of this, but that’s what I feel every single time. I feel so close to him in these moments. The look on his face as he allows himself release is the most beautiful thing in the world to me. If I could I would draw that moment, but I guess I’m sort of selfish because I don’t want anyone else to see this. This is just between us. The love that is reflected in his eyes… no that can never be shared. It is our little secret. His weight has never bothered me. I love to feel him on top of me, still deeply embedded inside of me, with my own cum cementing our bodies together. This part never lasts long because he’s always afraid that he will squash me, but if I died like this… at least I knew I had died a happy man. There’s no other place I would rather be than right here. Brian raises up and lightly kisses me on the lips as he pulls out of me. The feeling of loss and emptiness always follows, and I always have to fight to keep from crying out. I hate that feeling. That’s when our fantasy world – our own private world – fades away and the real world crashes in on us. I want to say in that private world… I don’t want to deal with real life, but I know that sooner or later I will have to deal with it. I can’t very well have Brian permanently attached to me – although I wish it would be possible. I remember that first time after I had gotten out of the hospital, when we had made love. I remembered the actual attack by Hobbs… and feeling like the world was coming to an end. I was scared, and felt like everything was closing in on me. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think. I was thankful for the drug-induced sleep. Then Brian… God what can I say about him. He was so attentive, so caring. He almost seemed embarrassed that I had remembered he tried to save me. Like he didn’t do anything. But he did… he did save me and so much more. I had asked him to take things slow, and he did. He put is own needs, his own wants away and focused on me. He wanted to give me what I needed. I will never forget that night. Never. I knew that night that he loved me… of course I forgot it not long after. See, loving Brian is not easy. He’s a contradiction to himself. He’ll say one thing then his actions will say something totally different. I had forgotten how to read his non-verbal communications. I forgot how to understand HIM. I’ll try not to do that anymore, but I know that there will be times that I will fall into the same trap that had lead us to the ‘break-up’. I know we will. I just hope that we will both be strong enough the next time to actually fight for what we want. He wants me just as much as I want him. We both need each other, and nothing will ever change that. These past couple of months, I feel the same way I did that night so long ago. I KNOW that Brian cares, and loves me. I know it without a shadow of a doubt. His love scares me at times… it really does. See with Brian, well he gives all he can into something – forgetting his own needs and wants. He will do what he feels is best for everyone else, not caring what it will do to him. He did that with Michael and that whole Dr. Dave thing. He did it to me. He did it for Mel and Lindsey by giving up Gus. He puts other peoples lives above his own. I want that to change. If there is one thing that I could change about him it would be that. The thing is… no one can change that in him except himself. No one can force him to change his belief that he is responsible for everyone else’s lives. That’s just the way he is, and the reason why we love him. I just wish that he would consider himself when he does these things. I’ll try, but I don’t think I will succeed. I’ll try to show him that he is worth loving, that he is worth the best the world can offer. Who knows… maybe in fifty years I might actually get him to believe it. Of course the biggest obstacle is our ‘family’. God, they piss me off so much. They are the main reason why Brian has so many problems. They say they care, that they love him… but the first sign of trouble, the first little thing that comes across – well it’s all Brian’s fault. Brian has to fix it. Brian this, and Brian that. Why can’t they just take care of their own damn problems and their own lives. They shouldn’t put that much pressure on Brian all the damn time. Now that is something I know will never change. They will never change. That’s the main reason why I won’t let Brian help me out with this mess. He wants to, I know he does. I love that he wants to take care of me, and protect me. But here’s the thing… he gets enough of that shit from everyone else. I am NOT going to add to it. Fuck that. This is my problem, my mess to clean up. Hell it’s not like Brian was even there when this happened, and as for the Prom… well that wasn’t his fault. So he doesn’t need to help me. As long as he’s there to talk to me, and love me then I’m fine. I’ll be okay. I will survive this like I have survived everything else that has been thrown at me. My family. My problem… It’s my life. I’ll just have to deal with it my own way. Brian can’t do that for me. He can’t cope with what happened because it wasn’t him. He can’t force me to deal with it. Brian Kinney is NOT God. He’s human, just like the rest of us. If I’ve learned anything during our time together – especially in the past year, it’s that. It was three hours later that I walk back into the house after leaving a sleeping Brian to do what I had to do. I knew that if I didn’t leave him while he was out then he never would let me go alone. Not if he knew where I was going. I feel like I’ve had my heart ripped out of my chest, like everything is just crumbling around me. I don’t even want to think about going to my mom’s and confronting her now. I don’t know if I can bear it. Brian is sitting at his computer and looks up at me. I only nod, and head up toward the bedroom. I need a shower badly, even though I know it won’t get rid of this feeling I have. I turn the shower as hot as I can stand it, and step in. Closing my eyes, I let the hot water cascade down my body when I feel Brian’s arms go around my waist. “Where did you go?” He asks me. I know I really don’t have to answer. He knows where I went, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. “You know, there was a part of me that wished – fucking prayed that it wasn’t true. A part of me that didn’t want to believe that he could do that… I’m such a fool. Wanting to believe something… wanting to believe that the father I thought I knew wasn’t some sick fucking bastard.” Brian’s hands gently massage my neck, trying to ease the tension that I know is there. I wish that it would work, but I don’t know if anything will ever ease it now. “He never once admitted it… but you could tell. The look in his eyes. Like a deer caught in the headlights… then switching between guilt and anger. Although he denied it – rather quickly I might add.” I laugh slightly shaking my head. “I could tell. His words were lies… he really did do it.” I turn to face Brian and look up at him. “The thing is… he’s not sorry about it. That’s what scares me. He’s not sorry he did that to me, he’s sorry he got caught. He’s sorry that I’m gay… that I’m not like him. He’s sorry that I am not the ‘perfect son’. Fucking asshole!” Brian wraps his arms around me and I just bury my face in his chest. “Everything I believed… my whole life was a fucking lie, Brian.” I say as I can feel the tears that I have held since I had seen my father – since I had seen Craig – finally fell. “I don’t understand. It was all just one big fat fucking lie… and I don’t know why.” Brian didn’t say anything, for which I’m grateful. I didn’t need any meaningless words of ‘comfort’. I didn’t need someone to tell me that everything would be alright. Brian knew. He knows! Nothing will ever be alright again… at least not the same as it was before. Before I knew the truth. I just let Brian hold me, allowing me to let go. Allowing me to let go of the past, to let go of the memories of a happy childhood. Allowing me to mourn the loss of everything I had believed. I have never loved him more. I slowly opened my eyes, trying to get accustomed to the damn sunlight that was filtering through the windows. Brian’s arms are wrapped tightly around me, and I know he held me all night long. He kept the demons at bay for the night. Brian was great… and I know I couldn’t have made it through the night without him. He had pulled me out of the shower and dried me off, then placed me into bed. For some reason I always feel safer with him around. I hate that, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I didn’t think that I could handle things without people like Brian and Daphne there to stand beside me… to make me see how fucked I am making things out to be. I know I take things to the extreme. I over analyze things to death, and get all worked up over the littlest of things. The doctor – after the bashing – told me that that would happen. He said that I would… well that I might have some trouble being able to handle my emotions. He said that I might have problems with my reasoning. Might have… might have… sounds a lot like what if… What the fuck ever! I am so sick and tired of most of the shit. I keep thinking that no matter how much I try to get past the Prom, win over Hobbs… something keeps pulling me back. I don’t know if I will ever be able to beat it completely. Oh well, it’s not like there’s anything I can do about it. I can only live and try to cope with the changes to my body and mind. It’s all I can do. Of course now trying to come to grips with my past… it’s amazing that I haven’t tried to slit my wrists. If I didn’t like living as much as I do, I know I would have ended it a long time ago. But alas, I’m still here. Still kicking, still fighting. Every minute of every day. Trying not to let it bring me down completely. I might fall and stagger, but I won’t allow myself to stay down. I have to keep fighting. That’s all I can do. After yesterday, Brian told me that under NO circumstances am I to go to my mom’s alone. He is going to go with me whether I liked it or not. A part of me wants to argue with him, wants to tell him no, but the other part of me is begging him to come along. Wanting him to be there to make sure I get back up. Is that so wrong? Am I relying on him too much? Especially when I keep telling him and everyone that I want to do this alone? I know I won’t be getting anymore sleep so I start to pull out of Brian’s arms. I slide over to the side of the bed, and start to get up when I feel Brian’s hand on my arm. “Where do you think you’re going? You are not going to your mother’s without me.” He says wide awake. And here I wanted to be quiet cause I thought he was still asleep. I turn around slightly to look over at him. I pull his hand up to my lips, lightly placing a kiss on the inside of his palm. “Don’t worry I wasn’t going to leave without you. I just have to take a piss and I wanted to get something to eat. Maybe even get a shower in and get dressed. Is that all right with you, Master?” I jokingly ask him. “Twat.” He says as his hits me on the leg. “Don’t be a smart ass.” “But you love my ass.” I laugh as I quickly run to the bathroom and into the shower. Brian doesn’t follow me in, for which I’m grateful. I want to get this shit with my mom done and over with so I can go on with my life, and if he walked in here now, I know we wouldn’t be out of here for at least another hour. Of course I’m talking about one of the biggest clothes conscious men in the entire world, so we still might not make it out of here for another hour maybe more. I turn off the shower, and wrap a towel around my waist. When I get into the bedroom, Brian is no longer there so I go over to my suitcase and pull out some clothes. I see Brian walk up the stairs and make his way into the bathroom, so I quickly finish dressing and race down for a cup of coffee. I need something to take my mind off of what I’m about to do, but for the life of me, I can’t think of anything. Nothing can take my mind off of confronting my mother with the truth. Did she know? Why didn’t she tell me? Why the HELL didn’t she protect me? Did she allow it to happen to Molly too? So many things I want to know – I need to know – that I don’t think anything can stop my mind from going over this shit. In a way I don’t want to know. I mean really. I love my mom, and she’s been great these past couple of years. Standing beside me, always supporting me, never giving up on me. Am I ready to really lose that? DO I want to lose my mom over this? I don’t know if I’m ready to really be alone. Before it was all hypothetical. I would be on my own, living my life without financial support from my loved ones… but I never thought that I would do all that without emotional support from them. Can I survive if I find out that she knew all along? I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t do this. Maybe I should just be okay with knowing that it did happen, and that I’m not crazy. I don’t want to lose my family. I don’t want to lose my mom. I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost that I can’t even think straight. I have to get my mind off all this shit. I can’t think about this now… all it will do is make me totally crazy and wound up long before I even step foot in my mom’s place. Let’s see… ahh.. yeah. The Le Grand Louvre was built in 1190. It once was a fortress, then a palace, and then in the 1700’s it became a museum. It houses the Mona Lisa. The Mona Lisa was painted by Michelangelo sometime between 1503 and 1505, during his second Florentine period…. Ahhh.. more modern artists. Let’s see… Mary Cassett… I always loved how she was able to capture the love between a mother and child… Fuck! It isn’t working. Nothing can get my mind off of it. Trust me, I’m trying. Have I told you how much I HATE this shit? My dad… Mr. Craig Taylor. What a fucking asshole. I don’t think I can ever think of him as my father or anything ever again. Yeah, I have a hard time with it, but the more I think about it the angrier I get. All I see is that child… ME… sitting on the bed with my arms curled around my legs. Praying… just fucking BEGGING to God to let him not open that door that night. Every time I was disappointed when I watched the handle slowly turn and he stepped into my room. I’m remembering more and more of it everyday. Last night I couldn’t even close my eyes without seeing it replay over in my head. I’m amazed that I didn’t wake Brian with all my tossing and turning. Every time I wake up I want to jump into the shower and wash it all away. Let it all just slip down the drain. But I know that won’t work… nothing will erase it from my mind. Nothing can erase the memories of my so-called father touching me. It makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t imagine Brian ever doing that to Gus. I can’t imagine any father doing that to their child if they gave a damn about them. It makes me wonder if Grandfather Taylor ever did that to Craig. I mean he had to learn it from somewhere right? Now I know I’m going to be sick. I don’t even want to THINK about it anymore. I feel Brian’s arms go around me, as his lips lightly move across the back of my neck. “You’re as stiff as a board. You need to relax.” He whispers against my ear. “You sure you want to do this now?” I nod as I hold his arms tightly against me, molding our bodies closer together. “I need to do this, Bri. I can’t go on the way I have been… I need answers.” Brian slowly withdraws his arms from around my waist and picks up his keys from on top of the counter. “Let’s get this shit over with. I have things to do today, and we have to help Daphne clear out that spare room.” I shake my head, and take a deep breath. I’m grateful that he’s making this easier, not adding to the stress. “Let’s go.” I say as we close up the loft, get in the jeep and head over towards my moms. Have I mentioned how much I DON’T want to do this? Once the jeep comes to a stop in front of my mom’s town home, I can only sit there and think about everything – worry about things. Questions are flying through my mind right now, and I don’t know if I have the strength to actually ask them. How can I ask my mom if she let Craig fuck me? Will this be the last time I see my mom? The last time I am welcome here? “Justin?” Brian asks placing his hand on my arm, bringing me back to the present. I steal a quick glance over to him then reach over and open the door. I don’t even look back to see if Brian is behind me as I make my way up to the front door. Knocking, I take a deep breath in order to steal myself for this. I hope I’m strong enough to get through this, to actually do this. “Justin.” My mom says as she opens the door and pulls me into a hug. I can tell the instant she sees Brian, because she stiffens slightly then instantly puts a fake smile on. I hate that she does that. She always tries to pretend that things are all right… that she’s okay with my choices. When I know that all she wants to do is have me be someone else… see someone else. I know it… I’ve always known it. Yeah, she doesn’t mind me being gay – well at least for the most part – but she definitely does not like Brian. “Come in.” She states as she moves away from the door. I follow her up the stairs and into the living room, with Brian right behind us. A part of me wants him to leave, but I am grateful that he’s there, that he is there to help me. My mom sits down on the couch, so I sit down at the far end. Brian sits down in the chair next to me and put his hand in mine, entwining our fingers. I can see that it upsets mom, for one that Brian is even there, and two the obvious display of our relationship. Frankly, I don’t give a shit anymore if she likes me being with Brian or not. It’s not her life… it’s mine. “Justin, what’s wrong?” She asks me. I take a deep breath and slowly let it out. “I talked to Craig yesterday, and I just… There’s something I need to ask you, and I want an honest answer.” I finally get out. I have NO idea how in the hell do go about this, but I’m trying. I guess that’s worth some thing. I steal a glance at her, but I can’t look at her and see her face. I can’t look into the face of my mother and tell her what I remember. Call me a chicken-shit, I don’t care. I just can’t do it. I feel Brian’s hand tighten in mine, and it gives me the strength to tell her everything. “Justin,” she begins. I look up and see her shocked face and watch as she shakes her head. “Daddy wouldn’t do that. You know that. How can you say things like that? You didn’t tell him all of this did you?” “I confronted him about it yesterday, Mom. He didn’t deny it.” I tell her. “Justin, sweetheart, you know your father. Daddy would never do anything like that. Yes, he was always affectionate, but to … no he wouldn’t do that.” Mom denied. It makes me wonder if she did know. “Affectionate?” Brian angrily spits out. “Oh yeah… touching your kid, and having sex with them is real affection. No, nothing wrong with that at all. Christ!” “Brian.” I say quietly putting my other hand on top of our joined ones. “Please.” Brian just shakes his head and looks off to the side. I know he’s pissed, and in a way I can’t really blame him, but he’s not really helping my case any right now. “Mom, I’m not making this up. He did it.” My mom reaches out to put her hand on my arm and I swear that I’m looking at her – wanting her to prove to me that I’m wrong. “Honey. You told me that you were doing regression therapy, and you know that they have ways of putting things into your head. You’re father would…” “I’m NOT making this up, Mom!” I yell at her. “And Mark didn’t put anything in my head! Craig Taylor rapped me… my own fucking father.” “No,” she denies. “I think I would have known… I was married to him for a little over twenty years. He would never do that. I think you should just forget about this, and I don’t want you to bring it up again. What if Molly heard that?” “What if he did the same thing to Molly, Mom?” I ask her as I stand up, looking down at her. “What if he rapped Molly? Would you be sitting here telling HER to forget it? Jesus, Mom, I’m NOT making this up. It happened, and you’re either too blind or too uncaring to even admit it.” I can feel the anxiety and panic start to rise within me and I try to take some deep breaths, hoping that it will calm me down slightly. “You know, Mom. You know that I wouldn’t lie about this. It happened. The man who you married is a fucking child molester. He doesn’t give a damn about anyone but himself. He would come into my room every fucking night. He would touch me… make me touch him. He would…” I begin. Taking a deep breath and closing my eyes, I try to clear the images that have assaulted me. It’s as clear as the day it happened. I can see him, standing there at my door. I can feel his hands on me, his fingers in me, his mouth on me… and mine on him. It seems like it was just yesterday – especially since now the memories are so clear and fresh. “Did you know? That’s all I want to know… did you let him do this?” “Justin.” My mom says shaking her head. “Daddy wouldn’t do that.” “If it was Molly telling you this, you would rush over there and confront him. Why can’t you do the same for me? Why can’t you believe me?” I ask her, letting the tears fall from my eyes. I shake my head, and simply walk out of the house. I can’t stand to be there anymore having her defend him. I don’t know if she knew that it was happening or not, but the fact that she is denying it – that she won’t admit it, and thinks I’m lying… well that’s enough for me. I no longer have a family. I can’t! I don’t think I can be around them again, knowing what I know. The second I get to the jeep I let loose, as I feel the breakfast I had that morning come back up. It seems like forever before I feel Brian’s hand on my neck easing the tense muscles there. “Come on, let’s go home.” He tells me as he opens the door for me. After climbing in, I just stare out the window watching my past disappear… watching my family crumble around me. Home… I don’t have a home anymore. I wonder if I ever really did. I’m falling, and I don’t know how to stop it, or if I will survive. What can someone do when they find out their entire past was a lie? How can someone survive that? Brian and I don’t talk, and once we get to the loft, I quickly head up to the bed and just lay there. Thankfully, Brian is letting me have my space. He’s not pushing for me to talk to him. I don’t even know what I would say. I just let the tears of loss flow out of me. I grieve for the first time really. Grieve for the family I had just lost… that I might not have even had. Grieve for my childhood… my past. Nothing will ever be the same again. I didn’t even realize I had fallen asleep until I open my eyes and see that it’s dark outside. I slept the entire day, and I didn’t even notice. Of course I think I could sleep the rest of my life and still never feel completely refreshed… feel ‘anew’ as they say. I don’t know if I will ever feel that again. Getting out of bed, I make my way over to the kitchen. I should try to eat something… it’s been a while since I had something solid in my stomach. Opening the fridge, I suddenly remember who I’m currently staying with. You would think that after all the time I had lived with Brian I would know that he normally didn’t have shit in his fridge… I was the only reason why he had anything in there. “We can go to the diner and pick something up.” Brian says from his desk. I look up at him, wondering if I’m ready for that. I think I’ve had enough drama in my life recently… I don’t know if I’m ready for more. “It’ll do you some good to get out, see the gang.” I nod briefly and get my coat. I’m running on autopilot, letting Brian lead me. I don’t have the energy for anything else. Now the thing is… and it’s something that I had forgotten in all of this mess, but I remember now. I still have a family. We may not be related by birth, or blood, but we are a family. As crazy and weird as it all is, we are still one. Just that one meal at the diner, and I feel instantly better. Not close to a hundred percent, but better. They will be there to help me heal. They remind me that I am strong, that I can make it. I know that things will not be easy… hell they never are. But the thing is I think that everything will be all right. Yeah, I might have lost my family… the ones who raised me, but I have found something more important than that. I think I have finally found myself. I know where I belong. I know who I am. I am a young gay man, who has his whole life a head of him. I have a family who will always be there for me, and I will be there for them. I have a lover who will do anything for me, even if it hurts. I have a lover who is willing to share in the pain and sorrow, and joy and happiness. We have grown this past year – together and separate. I think we just may actually make it this time. Yeah, not that I’m going to move in with him again right away… we still have a long ways to go, but we’re both willing to give this ‘relationship’ crap – as he calls it – a chance. We’re willing to try, and that’s more than I can say about my blood. In two days I’ll move in with Daphne, and try to start my life over. I will be on my own… living my life with those who really care about me. If I can work things out with my Mom, then that’s good. But I’m not holding out for that. There is too much now to try and get past. I don’t know if we ever will be what we used to be. The thing is… I’m okay with that. Or at least I will be. Yeah, now it hurts – it hurts really fucking bad, but I’m surviving. I will continue to survive. Cause just like when I was 17 and without a home, I have people who will look out for me. And like when I got out of the hospital after Prom… I know that they will help me heal. That’s what they do. Of course they will always call me on my shit, and won’t let me get too far down the path of destruction, but that’s okay. I’m glad that they will. Yes, I have to do this alone for the most part. No one knows what it’s like, no one can put themselves fully in my shoes, but they won’t patronize me either. They will listen, and let me vent. They won’t tell me that I’m making things up, that I don’t know what I’m talking about. Well unless I am doing something that could be dangerous – either emotionally or physically – or there is solid proof that I am wrong. That’s love. That’s real love. I think in time everything will be all right. I think that eventually I’ll be able to look myself in the eye and instead of seeing someone who had been beaten down again and again, I will see a survivor. I am sure in time I will be able to sleep the night through, and wake up happy to see the sun rise, and get excited about the new day. Yeah… someday that will happen. I am sure of that. I am not without love, without friends and family. I still have my art, my life. Yes, things are tough, and I feel lost, but I will find my way again. I know I will make it, and thrive. If Brian taught me anything it is that I am a survivor… that I can get past anything. Hell, Brian’s hurt me a lot, and I’m still here… still with him. I survived getting my head smashed in… so I know that I will be here at least long enough to make peace with myself. No, all the people I need are right here. Vic, Deb, Em, Lindsey, Mel, Ted, Daphne, Ben, Brian… yeah and even Michael. I can be a child through Gus, and make new memories – better ones. It’s time for me to start the move forward, completely now. No hesitation. Just one foot in front of the other. Never looking back. It’s over, time to move on. Move past this and live… truly live for the first time in my life. It’s time to begin my new life, and never look back. Never! I’ve finally found my way. * * * * * * * * * End of Finding My Way TBC….. (in Brian’s POV – Learning to Be)