EXPERIENTIA DOCET Carpe diem Seize the day This Chapter 2 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series. Narrated by: Justin Taylor Featuring Brian Kinney, Cynthia Morgan, BTVS Cast Members, others Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers. Summary: Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… * * * * * * * Okay, so I’ve had the worst fucking day of my life… well the worst in RECENT history, but here I am sitting in my loft downtown, happy. Why am I happy when I just went 10 rounds with my mom on the phone? I know, but I guess I don’t really want to admit it. It’s all because of a man. His name is Brian Kinney. I haven’t really told anyone about the ‘date’ I went on with Brian, and it’s not like I’m ashamed, it’s just … it’s just that I don’t want to have anyone start asking me any questions that I’m not ready to answer. I know that everyone wants me to find that certain someone, and find some happiness, and a lot of them seem to think that if I go on a date… which are few and far between mind you… that I have suddenly found ‘the one.’ I don’t know what Brian could end up being but for now, I am just enjoying being around him. We’ve talked on the phone the past couple of days, and I actually find myself enjoying those moments. We have talked about a lot of things… but nothing too personal, just life you know. Just the little things like fashion, the latest happenings, shit like that. It’s like talking to some of my best friends. I feel like I’ve known him a long time, and in a way if I think about it hard enough, it scares the hell out of me. I shouldn’t feel that close to someone I just met… at least not someone that I wouldn’t mind having a relationship with. I don’t know what I thought when I was with him. I know what the hell was going through my mind when I took him back to his hotel. I almost took him up on his offer to go up to his room. Almost. I guess I just don’t want a one-night stand. I’ve had too many of those, and I don’t want that anymore. If I am with someone, I want it to last; I want them to only want me. Okay, now I’m not stupid enough to think that there can actually be monogamy, but as long as they always come home to me, always with me when it counts, and with me in their heart and mind… that’s what I care about. One-night stands are forgotten the next day… or a couple of days later. I don’t want that. I want more. Maybe it because I know how short life can be. Maybe it’s because I see so many relationships fail, that I want more. I don’t know for sure. But I know what I want. What I need. “Hey,” I hear coming from the door. I have two rooms in the loft, and I closed off one so that it can be it’s own apartment. Well, it’s own apartment with an adjoining door between the loft and the room. “Hey, how’s it going? Did you have a good night,” I ask. “Yeah. It wasn’t too bad.” Blake answered. I had run into Blake over a year ago, and somehow I felt connected to him. We have a lot in common. He had just come from Pittsburgh – can we say that that city has a way of sucking people dry? Anyway, he was in some trouble. You know drugs and stuff. He had told me that he had met this great guy, but he realized that all he would do is bring the guy pain. So he had left without word, and without looking back. He told me he wanted a fresh start and he couldn’t do that there in Pittsburgh. So I got him into a rehab center and got him a job. Blake has been clean for a year now and our friendship has grown. I can tell him anything and I know that he can do the same with me. I have never really had any gay friends before, but I can say that Blake – for me – is heaven sent. I have learned a lot from Blake, and I will be forever grateful for his friendship. He’s one of the few people who has been in my life these past couple of years who HASN’T expected anything from me. He does get upset if I try and do shit for him, but with everything that he has given me, I feel like he deserves it. He’s let me be me, which is something that I haven’t had since I’ve been out here. I can just be a kid. Even with all of my other friends I still keep that adult attitude going. With Blake, it’s different. He lets me experience being a kid … something that was taken away from me almost three years ago. I feel free, alive. I guess that’s why I made him my personal assistant. “So,” I begin pulling my legs up under me on the couch. “Tell me all about it. What was it like,” I ask full of excitement. Tonight was Blake’s date with this guy who I think it a total hottie. I sit there and listen to Blake tell me about his date, and I am almost envious. But if anyone deserves to be happy it’s Blake, so I don’t feel too bad. I only hope that one day I’ll find someone who I can have a connection to, someone who I can share things with. Someone who I can share all the fun times that I had with him with my friends. * * * * * * * “And cut,” the director yelled, as we all sighed in relief. “That was great guys. Work begins Monday at six sharp.” The set had started at six this morning and we have all been working non-stop since then. I am glad that it is an early night, okay so it’s already ten thirty, but that’s early for us. This will give me a chance to do what I have been missing out on for the past week. Thank God it’s Friday… I miss having a life.... “What ever happened to needing beauty sleep,” Nicholas asked as the group began to walk off the set toward their various destinations. Nick is a great guy. Of course I don’t think that there is anyone on this cast who I don’t like. They are all funny, and have made me feel right at home… like I’m a part of their family. This is my first season on the show, and I can say that I am scared shitless. Okay, so I have done a couple of movie parts and stuff… but nothing to the extent of this. Movies are easy… basically. I mean you work your ass off for a couple of months at most then it’s over. Yeah, you have to do the publicity shit, but you’re done for the most part with it. But this…. Fuck this shit is unreal. Who would’ve ever thought that this country club, gay male from Pittsburgh would be a big time star? Definitely not me… I mean I had dreams, and acting was the furthest from my mind. I wanted to be an artist; I wanted to draw my way into …. into something. But that dream was taken away from me… all of my dreams were taken from me. Now all I have is my passable acting ability – don’t tell these guys that because they would laugh in my face saying that I’m a damn good actor – and my looks. Trust me, if there is one thing that I have learned… I can have almost anyone that I want, fuck anyone I want to. It’s simple really. “Yeah, and we all know you need it worse than anyone here,” I laughed at Nick as I made my way toward costume. I have plans for tonight and no one is going to keep me here for long. I actually find myself anxious to see Brian again. I can only hope that he's free. Okay, I am so fucked. There is something though, something that I have been thinking a lot about, and I know that it’s just totally fucked up. The problem is that that I can almost believe all that shit about love and relationships, the idea of a soul mate, and think that it is just all some BS created by people like me – by actors… and Hallmark card writers. I thought I had found my other half, but it all ended before I even found out who it was. I can’t really explain it; hell I don’t even understand it. Okay here we go… Have you ever just walked down the street and felt something pull at you… like your heart, your very soul, was being pulled toward it’s other half. I felt that one night, like my destiny awaited me… all I had to do was turn around. Unfortunately, when I did turn around, all I saw was something coming toward me… Daphne’s screaming in my ear, and another voice calling out for me to watch out. Then everything went black, I didn’t feel anything after that… and I never felt his presence again. With Brian… well I know I feel something toward him. I don’t know what it is, but when I had kissed him goodnight I felt something. I felt connected to him in some way. Maybe that’s what scares me about him. There is a part of me that wants to find that mystery person, because I know that he is the one that I am destined to be with… but Brian… well I could spend a long time with him. At least I think I could. Maybe once we get to know each other a little bit more, then I’ll know where he could fit into the future life of Justin Taylor. Once I reach my bike, I hear my cell ring so I pull it out of my jacket. “Yeah,” I answer, knowing who it is, but deciding to make him sweat it out. “Is that how you always answer your phone,” he asks me, and I can almost see him roll his eyes at me. Don’t ask me how I know that’s what he’s doing, but I can tell what he’s thinking when we’re talking on the phone. It’s strange, the connection I feel toward him already. I hear him moving around his hotel room and I wonder what he is doing there, what his room looks like. “Normally I just answer with ‘What?’ So I guess you’re lucky that I acknowledge you in a more civil manner.” “I guess I am,” he says with what I’m sure is a smile. “So what are you doing tonight?” Silently I was praying that he would want to go out with me. I have been wanting – almost needing – to see him again. Don’t ask me why, but I do. Should I let him suffer a little longer, or should I actually grace him with an positive answer? “Nothing important. I just got out of the studio, and I was planning on heading home and just lounge around. Why? You wanna come over,” I ask. Okay, now there’s something I never thought I’d hear come out of my mouth. I never invite men over to my place. Well not normally anyway. If I am going to have a quick fuck, I will take them anywhere but my place. Blake is gone for the weekend, and a part of me is not really ready to be alone this weekend. I’ve had a hell of a week, thanks to my mom, and all of those damn ad people hounding me, that I just want to have someone there who I can talk to. Take comfort in. “You going to pick me up,” he asks me in a hushed voice that makes my heart beat wildly in my chest. “I’ll be there within a half hour.” I close down my cell and hop on my bike. It’s off to pick up my date…. * * * * * * * I lead Brian into the loft and shut the door. “Want something to drink,” I ask after setting the alarm and making my way to the fridge. “I didn’t get a chance to ask you how your project is going.” We had talked over the past week about things, and all I really know about what he’s doing here in LA is that he’s here for business. I don’t even ask what type of business he’s in, but then again, what does it really matter? A lot of people come to LA for business, and I know that what he does has nothing to do with me. All I know is that whatever it is has brought him to me, and I’m grateful for that. “It’s moving along,” he said quietly. “Beer,” he asks me, so I grab out a beer and hand it to him. Business discussion is over. I can take a hint. Brian doesn’t really like to talk about what he does for a living, and I can in part understand. He’s a very secretive person and I guess that’s part of the reason why I find him so attractive. In time, I’ll learn all there is to know about the mysterious Brian Kinney… but for now… well let’s just say it’s thrilling. I don’t even want to think about the fact that one day he’ll have to leave LA, leave me. I don’t want to think about what I’m doing and what I’m getting myself into by feeling something for this man. He’ll leave, just like everyone else does. That’s just the way of life I guess. I make my way over to the couch and watch as Brian moves throughout the loft. “Nice place,” he says as he moves in beside me. “A lot better than living out of my car,” I laugh. And it is. “What’s behind that door,” he asks me pointing to Blake’s apartment. I turn on the couch so that I’m facing him, my leg pulled up under me. “This used to be a two bedroom loft, but I had this friend who was … well he needed a place to stay. We both agreed that it would be better if he had his own place, but since he couldn’t afford it at the time I went a head and had that part closed off from the rest. It’s now a small apartment, with it’s own bathroom and stuff. We leave the door open most of the time except when we each want to be alone.” Which I can say isn’t too often. Blake and I often leave the adjourning door open so we can talk and stuff. I don’t know what I’d do if our living arrangement was different. He’s help me a lot more than I’ve helped him. I owe Blake a lot, and letting him have his own place is just my way of saying thanks. “I don’t really know what that did to the resale value of the place, but I can honestly say that I don’t care. I don’t plan on leaving here for a long time.” “So is your friend here,” he asks me with this look in his eyes. God, he is so fucking hot. “He’s away for the weekend. We’ve got the whole place to ourselves.” Did I really say we? Okay Taylor, you are so fucked. We sit there for the next hour just talking, laughing… I feel so at ease with this man. I don’t know what it is about him, but I feel like I can open up to him, let him in. I shouldn’t feel that way, knowing that he will leave me, but I can’t help it. I look down at my beer and notice that it’s empty. “Want another beer,” I ask as I stand up and make my way toward the kitchen. I feel him behind me, following me, and I try to calm my heart, stop it from beating out of my chest. He places his hand on my shoulder, lightly running it up toward my neck. Leaning my head forward to rest on the refrigerator, I let him move in behind me. When I feel him press his body fully to mine, I turn around and bring his lips to mine. I have wanted to kiss this man so badly since I had allowed that little taste back at his hotel a week ago. I have craved the taste of him, dreamed of the taste of him. So I do the only thing that I can do. I shut off my mind, open my heart and let instinct take over. Brian pulls me closer to him, devouring me, tasting me. Moving his mouth from mine and traveling down toward my neck, biting, sucking, and licking his way down toward my collarbone, I can only moan in delight. God, I have never felt this before, this much heat, this much passion. But it’s not enough. I need more. Reaching for the top of his pants, I pull his shirt out from where it’s tucked in, and rip it off over his head. Before he can continue his path, I lean in and begin to run my own mouth down his neck toward his nipples. I take one of the buds in my mouth and lightly bite down on it. Hearing his sharp intake of breath, I know that he enjoyed it, so I continue to attack his nipple with renewed fury. Satisfied that the one had enough attention, I move toward the other one, ready to treat it with the same experience. Brian, I guess, had other plans since I feel his hands tighten on my arms pulling me up to face him again. Mouth upon mouth … lips upon lips… tongues dueling for superiority. In a matter of seconds clothes were shed, ripped from our bodies in the need to feel each other without the barriers. I don’t even remember making our way to the couch, all I know is that his hard lean body is above me, ready to own me. I watch as he moves down my body, marking me with his lips, his tongue. He nears my cock and slowly, painfully takes the tip into his mouth. I have to fight NOT to cry out as he runs his tongue over the slit, tasting the pre-cum that had leaked out. I watch as the most beautiful hazel eyes look up at me, as he begins to take all of me into his mouth. “Fuck,” is all I can get out. He begins to run one hand up my chest to play with the nipple ring I got a couple of years ago, while he moves the other to cup my balls, lightly squeezing them. I cry out as I feel one of his fingers run across my hole, slowly pressing through the first ring. I can feel my balls start to tighten and my stomach clench… “Oh God,” I moan as I let myself go, shooting my cum down his throat. Brian licked his lips after sucking me dry and moved back up my body. I grabbed a handful of his silky locks and pulled his lips down to mine. Tasting myself on his lips, I push my tongue into his mouth relishing the feel of him. I feel myself harden as he rubs his body against mine. Needing more, I reach over to a drawer in the table beside me and pull out a condom and lube. “Please… I need you inside me,” I beg him. Brian pulls the lube out of my hand and kisses me hard. He puts some lube on his finger, warms it up a little, and inserts two fingers deep within me. I can feel him probing me, touching deep within me, but it’s not enough… never enough. I reach for him after I rip open the condom packet, and slide it on his hard cock. I continue to run my hand up and down his hard shaft. Brian reaches for my legs and places them on his shoulders. I brace myself as he places himself at my opening. Slowly he pushes himself in, and I can feel him stretching me… fuck he’s so fucking huge. He pauses when he’s fully in, allowing me to adjust to his size. I pull him down for a kiss, giving him the signal that I was ready for him. Brian begins to move, pulling almost all the way out and slamming back in. I can feel him brush against my prostate with each thrust, and I bite down on his neck to keep from screaming out. His movements quicken as he reaches between our bodies to grab a hold of my cock and run his closed fist up and down it in time to his movements. Not able to take anymore of this sweet torture, I cry out, and shoot between our bodies. Brian pushes in a couple more times before he too succumbs to release, and collapses on top of me. Our lips find each other again seeking comfort in the afterglow. No words need to be said… no words can be said… It’s just pure euphoria… * * * * * * * The entire weekend with Brian was… dare I say awesome? I have never met anyone who I felt this close to before, who I want to do all of this stuff for. And it was more than just sex with us – okay so it was mostly sex… all weekend long, but it was also the quiet moments. We would sit on the couch in each other’s arms and playfully argue over some stupid shit on the TV, or sit around at the table and discuss the finer points of food… no carbs after seven. Unfortunately, the real world had to step in and I said goodbye to him as I headed off to work. We had made plans to go out to diner later on in the week, so I can only dream about my future engagement with him… Okay so engagement maybe a strong word, but you can’t blame me can you? I know he’s leaving me… I’m not dumb, but can’t I just for a couple of minutes a day wish that all my dreams could come true? Can’t I wish for just a little while that I have finally found the man I could spend the rest of my life with? I mean, come on…everyone has dreams. Why can’t I? I did get a call from Eric however… he wants me to meet up with some ad guy about a commercial he wants me to do. I really don’t want to do anything like that right now. I have enough on my plate – too much in fact. I just finished a damn movie before the show started filming so I still have the promo shit to do with that. I’m here at the studio the majority of the time. When can I have time to myself? It’s times like now that I wish I had never taken that guy up on his offer. That I had just stayed where I was… still dreaming my dreams. But I reluctantly agree to meet with the guy today around three. I’m not scheduled during that time, so I am going to meet Eric at the guy’s office in downtown LA. I mean, I’ll hear him out. It doesn’t mean I’ll do it though. * * * * * * * As I pull up to the parking lot, I immediately spot Eric standing there waiting for me. I know I’m late, but what the hell did he expect? He’s my fucking manager for Christ sakes. He knows my schedule almost better than I do… hell, Blake knows my schedule better than I do. I’m just there. “Come on, they’re waiting for us,” Eric states, and I follow him into the building. We take the elevator up to the fifteenth floor and follow a hallway toward a back office. This place is nice… a lot nicer than some of the places I have seen over the years. I spot a large ‘Vanguard Advertising’ sign on the wall, and I take quick note of the color scheme of the place. They do know how to put people at ease, I’ll give them that. At the end of the hall we reach a desk with a slender woman behind it. Her desk plate reads ‘Cynthia Morgan’ and I look up into her bright shiny eyes. I can tell she has a caring soul, and I smile at her briefly. “Go on in. He’s waiting on you,” she states as we walk toward the office door. Upon stepping into the room, I get a strange feeling in my gut. I take quick note to the fact that the walls a barren, and I know that this person may be using this office temporarily. My eyes continue to sweep the room … stopping on the man behind the desk. FUCK! No fucking way… That asshole! I try to calm my temper, the anger that is burning deep within me at the sight of Brian Kinney sitting behind the desk before us. It was hard to breathe. It felt as if the room temperature went up a hundred degrees. That little fucking asshole. I don’t say anything as I move in to sit in the chair across from his desk, but I certainly hope he can read the disgust in my eyes… I hope he knows that this weekend was the LAST time he will EVER touch me. He can certainly forget about dinner this week… God, I am so pissed right now. I don’t even listen as he gives his spiel, I don’t care. If he thinks that I’m going to do this… for his fucking company now after what he’s done… He can think again. Once he finishes, Eric looks at me hopeful. “I don’t think so. I wouldn’t be caught dead doing anything for that fucking city, or for Vanguard. So you can forget it.” I stand up and leave the office. I can no longer stand to be in the same room with him. I feel Brian come up behind me, and I try not to turn around. I’m almost afraid of what I’ll do. “Don’t think about it Brian. Don’t even fucking think about it.” Brian grabs a hold of my arm, and I pull away from his suddenly. “Justin… listen. I know that this looks bad…” “Looks bad? Looks BAD?!! YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT IT LOOKS BAD.” I yell. I don’t care who is listening. I don’t fucking care anymore. I want him to suffer like I am. That fucking asshole. I lean in closer to him so that he can hear what I have to say. “So now you fuck your clients, hoping that they’ll be some swoony little school girls and fall all over you? Is that it? You think that just because we fucked that now I’ll just hop right into this deal with you?” I pull back once again after whispering that so only he could hear. “Well listen here, Brian Kinney,” I say louder in a normal voice. “Fuck you.” “Justin just hear me out… please,” he pleads. Yeah fucking right. “I don’t think so, Brian. Don’t call me, don’t talk to me, don’t fucking come near me again. You disgust me,” I tell him as I enter the now open elevator. “I mean it Brian. Don’t ever try to contact me again.” After a morning of pure bliss, of living in my dream world… I find myself shattered. Once again, my dreams are shattered in a million pieces. Only this time I have no one to blame but myself. * * * * * * * End of Chapter Two