This is unbetad. So very sorry...

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You know there is something wrong when you kiss him. You feel it when you pull on his arm just to get his body closer. He tenses and he wants to leave. He wants to be with him. He loves him. He wants to take a shower to clean away the evidence of him. He doesn’t want to get caught.  He knows you will smell him. He knows that you feel something, only he thinks he can get away with it. What is that horrible feeling inside of you? You want to hug him just because you are something safe to him. Or at least you think you were. So why doesn’t he need you anymore? You told him you can’t make any promises. And if he thinks he will hear you say”I love you” then he is wrong. You will never say it. But does that mean you will never feel it? 

When you try to kiss him again he lays his hand on your shoulder. Finally some touch. You need to feel that he is still here, still with you. As you look into his eyes you see betrayal. And it hurts, it fucking hurts. You look deeper and what you see scares you. It’s regret, sorrow and a small cry. Does he feel that way for you? Or does he regret that he is with…him. You attack him with your mouth. Still aching is that feel to touch. You are kissing him with passion and lust, things he know that are you. No romantic bullshit. Your lips seems attached to his. They don’t want to let go. Now is the time to let go, time to breathe, time to see the need and want in his eyes. You are pulling his body again to you, only to fall on the floor because you can’t stand it anymore. Clothes are flying were they can land. Kisses on his silky skin. You know he has been there to. He has laid his lips on <i>your</i> man. And the sad thing of all is knowing that your blonde twink liked it. You touch him were you know he wants to be touched. When you place your lips is his neck, you smell it. It’s …<b>him</b>. You don’t know him you never seen him. Still you want to kill him for taking away <i>your</i> lover. For giving him promises that you can’t. There is it again that horrible feeling, you can’t stand it, you want to lose it. But first you need to know what it is. Your pride takes over and you push him away. Like you did a million times before. It’s different now, that you know. He stares into your eyes, they are questioning your acts. <i>Why? </i>. You answer with a painful statement. You get up and feel the need to yell. You look back and you see him still on the ground, thinking. He gets up and wanders of to the shower. Damn, that feeling, it hurts. It’s jealousy. It’s something you never want to feel again.