“All Better” Chapter One ‘Measure Your Life In Love’
This is unbetad’ for now. Sorry. I was in a hurry!
JUSTIN POV It was definitely winter. There wasn’t any snow, and it had only just started to get cold. But winter was here. It wasn’t the Christmas lights and bells on the older historical streets that spoke to me of the season’s change. It was the breath, the life, that I could clearly see exhaled from my best friends lips when he spoke. “I have to get up early in the morning.” He said dismally. I nodded and he started the car to drive away from Taco Bell and get back on the interstate. He turned the heaters up in his mom’s Cherokee, but it was still spitting out the cold air. “Fuck it’s cold!” He nearly screamed taking off from the parking lot. “Yeah, well, you should’ve worn some gloves.” I tell him, in my usual mother hen faggy way. Then I add. “Put on your seat belt.” I know he’s about to call me mom so I shut up and turn to start to get in my backpack to find my smokes. “Will you light me one mom ?” He says with his devilish grin. His crooked teeth gleam in the headlights of cars that pass. I shake my head, let out a ‘uh’, while I try to think of something witty to say. He laughs at me and I am really considering lighting one for myself and let him fend for himself. But since he’s been so nice as to chauffer my ass around on our road trip I take one out for him and put both in my lips. “I’ve got a doctor’s appointment in the morning in Cape.” He doesn’t look at me and really I can’t look at him. “That sucks.” I say, amazed that my voice worked at all. At this point I have what are now familiar chills running up and down my spine and someone or something keeps squeezing my heart and lungs. I haven’t even lit the cigarette yet! “Yeah, I have to get up at 8:00.” He sighs. Brian rarely is ever up before three or four o clock in the afternoon. He’s either living the life of a college town rock star, staying up partying and going to bars, or he’s living the life of a twelve year old by staying up all night playing g video games and watching cartoons or Comedy Central. But if I could, I am sure I would live that life too. Instead I have to work my ass off for any dime I have, and knowing every moment that I am just way to old to be living in my parents house. I dream of being a rock star too, but I don’t have any real talent for that. Instead I write short stories and, I am currently writing a musical. That is part of my dream. The other part? Well, that’s just what we are getting to. “Is it just a yearly kind of visit?” I can hear the shake in my own voice and I curse myself for showing him my fears. I take my glasses off and rub at my eyes. “No.” I look over and I can see the life of that word still hanging in the cold air between us. He keeps his eyes on the road. Not looking at me, because I am sure he doesn’t need to see my expression. “Oh.” It’s all I can manage now. My throat is tight and I tell myself that I should be stronger now, and sadly, ‘used to this.’ But I am not and I never will be. No matter how many winters have passed, no matter how many of them came in during summer or spring or fucking fall! I have tried and so has he, with terrible jokes, avoidance and bra verity. But nothing works. The conversation is still the same. I can feel my heart beating in my chest and I realize that the cigarette’s I was going to light have fallen from my hands or lips somehow, and are now in my lap. He looks at me for a second and reaches down to grab one. His fingers graze my crotch and I nearly jump out of my seat at his touch. Am I going mad? Thinking these things, at a time like this? I’m sick! That’s what I am! But then I realize that it’s probably because of all ‘this’ that I am feeling these things. My emotions are going crazy! It was such a wonderful day, but now I don’t know what to make of it. I look at him and I force myself to speak. “What is it Brian?” Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I know what it is! Why the fuck did I say anything at all? Because you need to know! I answer myself. But I already know! I am arguing with myself in my head and I am shifting my body around in the leather seats. It’s still oh so fucking cold in this damn car and we took his mom’s because his heater broke! He’s got the cigarette in between his lips but takes it out before lighting it and puts it in between his fingers and rests them on the steering wheel. “I go for a cat scan and then I have to take another radiation pill.” His voice trembles and I see the cold air collide with his warm breath from that sentence. The cloud hangs there for a moment and I reach over and put my hand in his. That cloud of cold air has been whisked away by warmth. His fingers hold mine for a second before his hand moves mine to his thigh. My hand so much smaller than his long, calloused, string plucking ones. I stare at the dark highway. Look at the clock on the dash. Then back at our hands clasped together, resting on his strong thigh. I do this over and over. In our silence I start to over think the placement of my hand and then I think that I am suddenly shaking. “You cold?” Brian says with a laugh to his voice. “Why aren’t YOU wearing gloves?” This sentence comes out sounding like the perfect nagging mother. I smile widely at him. “Because, I was going to smoke a cigarette!” As if I can’t wear them while smoking. What am I thinking. Well, I am not, obviously. He takes his hand away from mine and suddenly it’s cold again. “Get me a lighter out will ya?” I jump at his command, yeah, I do, I know, we have already confirmed that I am sick! I light the cigarette that is now in-between his perfect lips and then I light my own. “Turn the cd player on.” This time his command is soft, but I jump to do it quickly anyways. The faster there is something to fill the silence that in turn leaves room for my crazy thoughts the better! I adjust the volume to just above ear piercing and it has the intended affect of being almost like Brian and my own personal therapy session. For twenty minutes we are lost in a sea of drunken lullabies and ear-gasmic fiddles. We share a joint and become as high as we were before we ate tacos. Flogging Molly has always been our band. The one we discovered five years ago. Long before the album we are listening to was ever thought of. Long before I told him I was in love with him. Long before he told me that I deserved better than him. Long before I thought he was right. The early days of Irish punk rock were, what at the time seemed like the later days of our lives. But a year passed and our favourite band became somewhat popular. Creating in it’s wake a sea of posers and fakes. But that never turned us off. We knew where our Irish hearts lied. Because we had been feeding off of it, living off of it, singing, spitting, and crying the lyrics, beats, and rhythms, long before Brian got cancer that year. Long before we knew the beats that a reality of death could bring. As the song changed in the player, we both sat quiet for a moment. Knowing the harsh truths of the next song, scared of it yet awaiting the masterpiece we both knew so well. Brian’s hazel eyes were dark with emotion when it started. My blues were bright with unshed tears. My heart raced as I watched him sing the words. Yes, it was a little eerie. But what I noticed most at that moment was how fucking truly beautiful he was. His dark hair fell into his eyes a little and he turned to me and smiled. He knew I was watching him. He gets off on it. He always must have an audience. And I was damn thankful for that at that moment I was his. “If I ever leave this world alive I'll thank for all the things you did in my life If I ever leave this world alive I'll come back down and sit beside your feet tonight Wherever I am you'll always be More than just a memory If I ever leave this world alive If I ever leave this world alive I'll take on all the sadness That I left behind If I ever leave this world alive The madness that you feel will soon subside So in a word don't shed a tear I'll be here when it all gets weird If I ever leave this world alive So when in doubt just call my name Just before you go insane If I ever leave this world Hey I may never leave this world But if I ever leave this world alive She says I'm okay; I'm alright, Though you have gone from my life You said that it would, Now everything should be all right She says I'm okay; I'm alright, Though you have gone from my life You said that it would, Now everything should be all right Yeah should be alright”- Flogging Molly A long time ago I realized that I wanted to always be in Brian Kinney’s audience, the only one that mattered. Fear took that away. I was determined to not let that happen again. A long time ago I told him I loved him. The way he looked at me tonight, I could see it. I wasn’t just imagining it! He loved me! The same way that I loved him. And that had probably been so, a long, long time ago.
Hey, so I started another new one! Whoohoo! I really hope that you guys like it. This is a very personal story for me, but when aren’t they right? Enjoy, and as always I love the feedback!