Brian POV Breath. Just Breath. You know how to do this Kinney. You taught Justin how to do it all those nights he was curled up in the corner of our…um, my bedroom suffering from a panic attack. “In, then out. That’s it Sunshine, slow deep breaths, it will pass” Justin…. I quickly look around the diner holding my breath. He’s not here, good I can breath again. Fuck, Fuck! When will it ever fucking end!? I knew this would happen one day. But did it have to be now?! I tear my eyes from the letter in his hands and look into his face. Great. I know he’s afraid of what this means. He’s afraid I’ll go off on a bender again. So much time has past, so many memories put to rest, only to now be awakened again. And Michael only knows the half of it. Pull yourself together Kinney. So she wants to see you? How does that make me feel? Fuck if I know. Angry, thrilled, excited, scared…probably all of that. One thing is for sure, there are so many unanswered questions that I will fucking wring from her neck if I have to! And why is she writing Michael? Why not contact me after all this time? There are so many thoughts running through my head at the moment, but underneath it all there is……joy. My sister, my “real” sister, not my biological sister spawn from that heartless bitch who gave birth to me, but my real sister was coming home to me. Good old Joanie was more then happy to let our neighbor take me in. I was barely out of diapers when Rena’s mother took me in. How convenient for Joanie. Living at Rena’s gave her freedom from having to be a mother to me without giving up appearances. We lived right next door, and for any major events in my life like Soccer games, or school awards, Joanie would show up like the good Catholic mother she wanted to appear to be. But the Cardie’s were my “true” family. The only real family I’ve ever had, till I was 14. Maria Cardie, my surrogate mother, and Rena's biological mother, had died when I was 10, Rena was 9 and her brother Andy was 13. Emilian, Rena’s father, was left alone to “care” for his children. His idea of “caring” killed his only son. I can only hope he is good and dead by now and by the most vile means possible if there were any justice in this fucked up world. Bile rose up in my throat at the thought of that animal. I’ve gotten very good over the years at burying that memory deep down inside, far away from where it can eat at my soul. It's already cost me part of my soul. But always, always with thoughts of Emilian there were memories of Andy….Ok, time to breath again Kinney. I force a smile to my lips for Michaels benefit and reach out and grab the letter from his hands. I drop it on the table and take my coat off before sliding into the booth opposite him. “Are you going to read it?” Michael asks I sigh…”I’m sure you’ll tell me what she has to say.” I lean back against the booth and look behind me for Debbie. “Hey Debbie, can I get a cup of coffee over here?” I snap. Debbie shoots me that “what the fucks have you done now Kinney” look and mutters some response I can’t make out. I turn back to Mikey. “Well? I really do have to get back to the office.” I let my agitation show. “Jesus fucking Christ Brian! Don’t fucking act like this! Read the fucking letter!” Little Mikey is clearly pissed. Good. Let him feel a bit of what I’m feeling. “Why the fuck should I? She wrote it to you. I assume it was delivered in the usual manner?” My curiosity is getting the best of me. Truth is, I’m dying to know every detail of what’s in that fucking letter, and all circumstances surround it. “Yeah, he showed up at my door at 6 this morning.” “And you’re just NOW telling me about it?!” I stop myself from saying more. I let that slip. Fuck. I don’t want Michael to know how this latest bit of news is affecting me. I never let little Mikey know just how deeply Rena affects me. He would never understand the pain we went through, watching Andy die. He had enough shit to deal with. Just being my friend for the past 17 years was trial enough on him. He got pulled into my family drama the first week I moved to the Pitts. Truth is, Rena and I could have never made it that first year we moved to the Pitts. Well, that year I moved to the Pitts. Rena ran away with me. I couldn’t leave her in New York after Andy died. I only wished I could have saved Andy too. Not that I saved Rena. No. Fuck I couldn’t save any of us. Including myself. Michael helped me keep Rena safe until her Aunt came to get her, all the while keeping it a secret from everyone. And then when she left, and was finally safe, well then life changed. First, for the worse, then eventually, for the better. Hell, anything was better than that hell we lived with, wasn’t it? The beatings my father would give me were nothing compared to what happened to Rena and Andy.. I could give a shit about what happened to me. Fuck, pain never bothered me. In fact, I’ve become quite accustomed to it. It was never an issue for me. It was always more painful for me to watch those I loved in pain then to deal with pain myself. Shouldn’t that be enough? Why is it everyone I ever loved gets hurt, or worse? Who the fuck cursed me?! Well knowing me I probably fucked the wrong person in some past life who’s now getting a bit of revenge in this life. I should talk to Zen Ben about karma. Cause I got some pretty bad karma I’d like to shake. “Here’s your coffee your Majesty” Debbie breaks into my thoughts as she places the steaming cup in front of me. I notice it’s in a “to go” cup. I smiled. Always eager to get me away from her little boy. She’s a smart woman. Always was. Trouble is, she was fighting a losing battle. There were events in our lives that Debbie had no clue about that would forever bind Mikey and me together. Hell, she didn’t even know there ever existed a “Rena”. If she comes here, holy fuck all hell is going to break loose! “Thanks Deb.” I look up at her and put my tongue in my cheek, waiting for some smart ass reply from her. None came. Good. She stalks off. “So,” I look back at Michael. “How does old Tom look these days? I can’t believe that prick is still alive. Shit he must have been 80 when he delivered that last letter.” I say. In truth, he was probably no more than 60. “Tom? You never told me his name”. Michael says looking hurt. “Yeah well, it wasn’t important” I reply. My eyes move away from his. There were so many things I never told Michael. Things I never told Justin. Justin, FUCK! I have to prepare him. He’s not going to understand the truth. Oh and the truth will come out once Rena comes home. Stupid twat running off with that fiddler. What the fuck is he thinking? Face it Kinney, you all but threw him into that fiddlers arms. What the fuck was I thinking! I wasn’t thinking. I was reacting. Pushing him away for his own good. I’ve known for some time I’d have to let him go, no matter how painful it would be for me. I refuse to let him settle for less. To settle for me. But now, I can’t be there for him to properly answer the thousand of questions he’s going to have when Rena shows up. Questions he’s entitled to ask, but probably won’t because he thinks it’s not his place anymore. As if there would ever be a time when there wouldn’t be a place in my life for him. And once Rena sees him, he’ll be connected to her in ways he won’t understand. “Brian,” Michael puts aside his disappointment and gets back to the letter at hand. His voice is soft, soothing. “She says she is writing me because she promised her Aunt that she wouldn’t contact you. She says that she wants to come home and she’s begging me,” he pauses, picking up the letter and opening it to show me what she wrote. I look at the all too familiar handwriting and my heart skips a beat. I stare at it. I can’t look away. It’s Rena on those pages, the only memory, the only connection to Andy I’ll ever have. The words are all blurry, and I realize it’s because tears are forming in my eyes. Michael is pointing to the page in front of me and talking. “Right here she says that she agreed at first because she didn’t want to hurt you anymore but”…… “What the fuck!” I interrupt him and grab the letter from his hands and start reading it. What is she talking about! Doesn’t want to hurt me anymore? Where the fuck did she get the idea that she could EVER hurt me? I start reading the letter now, careless to how pathetic I must look to Michael right now. My dear Michael, Please forgive me for my long absence. Believe me when I tell you that if it were in my power, I would have written you sooner. But because of my love for my brother, and my duty to protect him, I had to stay away. Though I’ve not written, I have kept up with your life, and of course Beans. I may have promised that I wouldn’t write anymore, but I did not promise that I would abandon you completely. I hope Bean knows that I would never truly abandon him. You should know that Tom has never stopped his semi annual visits to the Pitts. He goes there and comes back and tells me how Bean and you are doing. Congratulations on the comic book store! I still have the Captain Astro you gave me as a parting give when Aunti Viv came to get me. It fills my heart to know you are living your dream. Oh, and Tom says he’s seen you on a few occasion with a very handsome man! I’m so very happy for you! If all goes as I plan, I will be meeting your new beau soon… If you can forgive me Michael for not staying in touch, and I hope with all my heart that you can, I need you to do something for me. Michael, you need to get Bean to contact me. Please, what ever it takes, I’m begging you, get him to contact me. He knows I can’t break my promise. It’s the one thing we both swore never to do. Break a promise. Not unless someone’s life is at stake. The only reason I made that promise to Aunt Viv was because Tom and she told me that Brian was holding on to our past. She told me that the letters I was sending him were keeping him rooted in the hell we lived as children and stopping him from moving past it and getting on with his life. At first I didn’t believe her. I mean, his letters were always so upbeat, and full of his plans for his future. His life at college, meeting Lindsey, getting his degree, working at the agency. But then, 6 years ago, Aunt Viv and Tom showed me documents stating that Bean was in a rehab center a year after I left! He never told me that. She told me he ran away, back to New York after I left, and that his father was forced to sign him out and take him home. I know that had to be hard on him. Aunt Viv said that things didn’t’ get much better from that point on. That his letters were filled with lies, lies to protect me. I felt so guilty. I didn’t know what to do. But if letting go of Bean meant giving him a chance at making a life for himself with out the ghost of our past hanging over him, then I had to let him go. Tom had held back the truth from me for so long. That first year, when I wrote my first letters to you and Bean, Tom told me Bean was in rehab. That he had visited him there in New York to give him my letter and he waited for Bean to write one back to me. Bean never mentioned in that first letter where he was. I was so angry at Tom and Aunt Viv for not telling me, but the truth is, they both knew that if I knew, I would have ran away, back to New York to find and help Bean. I believe Bean knew that as well. That’s why he didn’t mention it in his letter. I can understand that they were protecting me, but I am his sister. I had a right to know! Tom agreed to continue his visits to Pittsburgh to check on you and Bean. And for the past several years it seems that Bean has been doing well. He made partner at the agency he was working for, and recently left to start his own agency, Kinnetic. I know about the many Cleo’s he won. I’m so proud of him. Tom also told me about 2 years ago that Bean had a son, and started seeing this young man. He said he seemed so happy. So I kept my promise. God, you cannot know how it fills my heart to know he has finally found happiness! And at the same time, it hurts me to be separated from my brother. And not be able to see my nephew. I have so little family as it is. I feel it’s time for me to come home. That is, if Bean wants me to. Michael, I’m asking you to explain to Bean why I stopped writing him. I know he is very angry with me. 6 years is a long time, he must think I’ve abandoned him, and after Andy…Well, I don’t think he can handle that. Please let him know I love him, and I want to come home to my family. I’m living at the Hilton in New York city right now. You can reach me on my assistants phone, 212-555-5555. I don’t own a cell phone, and don’t use phones in general if I don’t have to. Long story. Shane, my assistant will give me the call. I shall never forget what you did for me 17 years ago Michael. It seems you are destined to always be there when I need your help. I hope that one day, I can repay the favor. With all my love, Rena Cardie-Kinney Rena Cardie-Kinney? Not Rena Cardie. Rena would not sign her name such if she didn’t legally change it to Cardie-Kinney. Funny that, that’s the first thought that pops into my mind after reading her letter. I pull out my Razor and dial the number written at the bottom of the letter. I suddenly remember Michael is still sitting across the table from me. I look up at him, phone to my ear and watch the myriad of emotions play across his face. As the phone rings once, I say to him “Rena’s coming home” After the second ring, I hear a woman’s voice, low with a husky quality to it. “This is Bean Kinney," I inform the smokey voiced woman on the other end of the call. "I want to talk to my sister.”