Chapter 8: Justin watched him leave; it wasn't just being reminded about the accident that was obviously making Brian angry and upset. Justin realized it was his references to Brian's past with other men. But then Justin asked himself, how important was it really. Surely, he should be more concerned with being the man in Brian's future; if he'd still have him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Allowing him a little time to cool off, Justin returned to his own rooms and took out the half-finished painting of Brian and Gus. It was coming along well and he studied it. Brian was so confusing and Justin wondered whether Brian actually understood himself; the man was so full of contradictions. Even after he heard about Brian's past; how he'd discarded guys so easily: the way Brian was with him, from the outset, Justin was certain had been so different. He'd told Brian he'd seen through his bullshit; that the man had said one thing when his eyes and body language were saying something totally different. And that just having his past brought up and made an issue had made Brian defensive and that he should go and tell him it didn't matter; that it should never have mattered in the first place. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Going back into the house, Justin headed for the study; that's where Brian was bound to be, but instead, he found the room empty. He called out; but there was no answer and unable to find Brian inside, Justin headed out to the stables, where he found him leaning over the paddock railing talking quietly to Buttons; he didn't hear him approach. “Brian ...” and he saw Brian blink. “You still here?” came the curt reply and slowly, Justin moved up to him and put a hand on Brian's arm, but the man pulled away; folding his arms on the top rail. Justin sighed. “Why should I give a shit how many guys you slept with in the past ...” “You forgot the bit about using and abusing ...” stated Brian coldly and without looking at him. “But you're right ... it's none of your fucking business how I lived my life ... it still isn't ...” “I know ... I have absolutely no right to criticize you or condemn you ... but just tell me something ... I'm curious ... were you happy?” Without being able to stop himself Brian sighed and then he closed his eyes and rested his chin on his forearms. Had he been happy? What sort of fucking question was that? At the time, he thought he was. Happy to screw anything that moved and never the same man twice; conducting his life with no apologies and no regrets and being accountable to no-one but himself. But, if he were genuinely honest with himself, he'd surely acknowledge just how empty and hollow an existence that actually was and that he'd spent too many years telling himself that's what he wanted. Justin knew Brian well enough to realize that he wasn't going to admit he hadn't been happy; learning that Brian would rather say nothing than actually lie. And, when the man didn't answer him, Justin moved closer again and put his hand on Brian's shoulder and this time, Brian didn't move away. “None of it matters any more ...” said Justin quietly. “The past is just that ... we've both been through stuff we'd rather not ... and we've come out the other side ...” “Maybe we're both different people now ... I'm sure I am,” and Justin sighed. “I love you, Brian Kinney ... and I think ... no ... I'm damn sure ... that you love me too ...” and he saw Brian roll his lips into his mouth; Justin smiled. “I know how hard this is for you ... but maybe ... in time ... you'll know that you can trust me ... and that no matter what ... I'll always be here ...” and then Justin momentarily closed his eyes and he swallowed. “And if it means you still need other guys ... that's okay too ... it won't mean a thing ... it won't change anything between us ... who you are ... just as long as you come home to me ...” Now it was Brian who closed his eyes. The only guys he'd seen in the years between the accident and Justin coming along were paid tricks; guys who'd told him how great he was and then took the money. And slowly, Brian opened his eyes and turned to face him. Justin's beautiful blue eyes were now misty and Brian knew how much it took for the younger man to say he didn't care if Brian wanted to sleep with other men; that he could endure it if it made Brian happy; if it kept him coming back to Justin: if it still made him the man he was. Brian realized that for the first time in his life, he now knew for sure what he did want. He wanted Justin; someone who it seemed would love him unconditionally; who would never put ties on him, but who would constantly challenge his thinking; stretch him and keep him alive. And, because Justin had told him; had tried to reassure him that he wouldn't expect him to give up other men and change for him; that was precisely the reason why Brian knew he could: that he wouldn't need anyone else. And though he couldn't go that extra mile and say the words yet, Brian's eyes, hands and mouth said it for him as he drew Justin into his arms and kissed him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Brian Kinney? God's gift to gay PA? Jeez hun ... are you sure it's THE Brian Kinney that Justin is mixed up with?” “Could there be another?” asked Jennifer as she took a sip of her tea and Debbie chuckled. “No ... I doubt it ...” They were seated in Debbie's kitchen. Despite Justin's attempt to placate her, Jennifer still had grave misgivings over his relationship with Kinney and had sought the advice from the mother of another gay son. “What do you think I should do?” Jennifer asked her and Debbie shrugged. “You've probably done all you can ... and that's let him know you'll be there to pick up the pieces ...” “Then you think he's going to hurt my son?” asked Jennifer and she sighed. Debbie shrugged. “All I can say is that the Brian Kinney I knew fucked 'em ... if you'll excuse my French ... and then moved on ... no apologies and no regrets ... everybody wanted him, but no one could have him ... so what's different about Justin?” Jennifer shrugged. “Justin says he thinks Brian loves him ...” Debbie snorted. “I'm afraid to say that I don't think Brian actually knows the meaning of the word ... except I'm hearing that he is a good Dad to Gus ...” she admitted, grudgingly. “But I guess it's hardly surprising ... given Brian's upbringing ...” and Debbie saw Jennifer's quizzical look. “Jack Kinney ... Brian's Dad ... was a little too handy with his fists ... if you catch my drift ...” “Brian grew up thinking he was unloved ... and it's true to say that Joanie ... his Mom ... spent more time down at the church than she did caring for her family ...” and Debbie couldn't resist smiling at the memory of a tall, skinny kid she used to know. “I've known Brian since he was 14 ... and I doubt he's changed that much ... plenty of times he ended up on my doorstep 'cos things were rough at home ... I'd patch him up ... feed him and put him to bed ...” “His Dad actually used to beat him up?” asked Jennifer, horrified, as most mothers would be, that this was allowed to happen and Debbie nodded. “But he was a strange kid ... never talked about his Dad hitting him ... he just used to show up ... the bruises spoke for themselves ... I guess that's what made him how he is ...” “A user ... someone who doesn't care about other people's feelings ...” stated Jennifer and she groaned. “Why oh why would Justin fall in love with someone like that?” Debbie smiled. “Because he's Brian Kinney ... charming ... successful ... rich and quite a looker ... though since the accident I see he's grown a beard ...” “Accident?” asked Jennifer and Debbie nodded. “I used to think of myself as Brian's second Mom ... though in actual fact ... I was probably his only Mom ...” “But he caused an accident that could have killed my own son ...” “How?” asked Jennifer, even more afraid about the man Justin was in love with. “Well ... the authorities think that Michael was driving at the time ... but he wasn't ... Brian was ...” “They'd been to some party or other ... and Brian had insisted on driving back ... the car left the road ... Michael had a bad concussion ... broken ribs and it could have been a whole lot worse ...” “Turns out Brian had enough chemicals in his system ...” “He was on drugs?” Jennifer asked; seeking confirmation of her worst fears and Debbie nodded. “Michael could have been killed ... they both could ... and Brian was happy to let Michael take the rap ...” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin made him promise that he wouldn't be mad with Vic; that the man had only given out the vaguest of details and only when Justin had asked him directly and Brian smiled. “I promise ...” he told him almost disbelieving his fortune; that someone like Justin, who cared so much about other people, would care for him. And with things looking to be back on track with Justin; even though his words of commitment still wouldn't come, Brian felt they'd moved onto another level, but it was so strange. Would he ever be capable of being part of a couple? Taking someone else's wants and needs into account 24/7? He'd thought about it years ago; before the accident but hadn't been taken seriously. But Justin was so different; so willing to give. He made it easy; his love so tangible, Brian could feel it; taste it almost: it totally engulfed him. Encompassing but never smothering; giving him room to breathe and be himself, though Brian was beginning to wonder exactly what sort of man he now was. Was he still the man who didn't believe in love? Who didn't believe in happy endings? How could he say that any more when Justin's love was so real and made him feel so complete. And all those doubts Justin had about Brian's previous life had seemingly been put away and out of mind; Justin concentrating on being the last man in Brian's life and not dwelling on his past. And as for Justin, he knew they had a long way to go before Brian accepted they were a couple, but he had no doubts that in time he would get through to the man: he had faith. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was one of the days when Justin was working and Brian had gone into the garage to fetch the car; Buttons was running out of feed. It was a nice crisp fall afternoon and it was only a short drive to the wholesalers, which was normally pretty quiet at this point in the day and something Brian didn't mind doing himself. But something cold and wet hit him on the shoulder and he looked up; water was coming through the ceiling: there was obviously a burst pipe or something up in the rooms above. Shit. Justin's rooms: his artwork and rushing back into the house, Brian collected the spare key before heading back. The leak was from under the sink in the kitchen, but thankfully hadn't yet spread to the living area, where some of Justin's artwork was sitting on the floor, though it must have been happening now for a little while and phoning Vic, Brian got from him the number of the plumber they normally used and put in a call. The guy was busy, but offering him three times the normal going rate got him there within the hour. The carpet was pulled back and sink dismantled, allowing the offending joint to be identified and repaired. The job itself wasn't particularly difficult, but it would take a few days for everything to dry out and there was going to be a bit of plastering needed to the garage ceiling. But it was while Brian was making sure there was no other damage to the accommodation that he came across something just so beautiful, it made his heart miss a beat and his mouth go dry. In the corner of the living room and under a dust sheet was a picture that Justin was obviously working on and unable to resist, Brian carefully pulled back the cloth to take a look. It was the portrait of Brian and Gus. It wasn't quite finished, but even Brian could see the love that passed between Father and son and he rolled his lips into his mouth and stared at the painting in awe. Justin's talent for bringing out the emotions of the subject was incredible; you could stretch out your hand and almost touch it: it was so real. Brian sighed. Justin's talents were going to waste, he really should get better exposure. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin groaned when he walked in the diner during his lunch break a few days later to eat and collect the take out that Ted had asked him to get and saw his Mother sitting in a booth talking to Debbie; Jennifer spotted him right away: almost like she'd been looking out for him. “Justin ... I hope you're not thinking of walking out on me ...” But in actual fact, that thought had crossed his mind. They'd barely spoken since she'd come to the house and he was sure she would still be trying to talk him out of his relationship with Brian and then Vic walked in behind him; patting his shoulder in greeting as he passed him by; an action that didn't get past Debbie. “What's this all about, Sis ... it sounded urgent ...” and he slid into the booth beside her. “It is ... we have to stop Justin making the biggest mistake of his life ... and I also want to know why you didn't tell me about it ...” Debbie stated and Vic frowned as he looked up at the young man, standing at the end of the table, before addressing her. “I didn't tell you because it's none of your business ...” stated Vic. It wasn't often that his sister made him this mad, but she had such a bee in her bonnet about Brian these days. “Is that what you brought me down here for ... so you could put the boot into Brian?” asked Vic, shaking his head. Ignoring him completely, Debbie aimed her question directly at Justin. “Has Brian ever told you anything about the accident?” she asked him. “Well ... only that he was with Michael and that they both ended up in the hospital ... and I know that everyone seems to blame Brian ...” answered the young man, a little nervously. “Debbie ...” said Vic firmly; obviously warning her off. “Don't you think it's up to Brian ... it is his business after all ...” “But he's sleeping with my son ... and I think Justin has every right to know exactly what sort of man Brian Kinney is ...” stated Jennifer and Justin frowned. Why did it seem that everyone was so intent on bad-mouthing Brian all the time and though he knew who he should really be talking to about the accident; Justin closed his eyes and sighed and then slid into the booth beside his Mother; perhaps if he just heard her out that would be the end of it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Vic tried his best to counter Debbie's arguments against Brian; pointing out things that Brian had done for his friends in the past; things that both Justin and Jennifer had to admit, they thought were pretty amazing and Vic didn't even know yet about the house. That was something that Justin knew he couldn't bring up; that it should be between Brian and Vic only and, thankfully, it would seem his Mother hadn't compromised her professional integrity by mentioning it either. But certain things just couldn't be denied: Brian's drinking and drug taking and his history with guys and the fact that the evidence showed that he was on drugs at the time of the accident. “Brian nearly killed my son ... and then he let him take the rap for something he did ...” stated Debbie firmly and Vic had sighed and sat back in his seat; he didn't have any argument to offer in Brian's defense this time. “If you don't believe me ... ask Michael ...” was Debbie's parting shot and Justin had looked around the group. “All right ... I will ...” he stated and forgetting lunch getting the address for the comic book store, Justin set off; never giving going back to work that afternoon a second thought. He had to get this cleared up once and for all. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Hello Justin ... what brings you here? I didn't realize you were into comics ...” stated Michael as Justin entered the store. “I'm not ... not really ...” stated the younger man and he absentmindedly picked up a Superman comic from the shelf and then he put it back without really looking at it. Michael studied him. “Okay ... what's on your mind?” he asked him and Justin looked at him before replying. “Brian Kinney ... you were his friend?” asked Justin and he saw Michael blink and then frown. “Brian ... what about him? I haven't seen him in years ...” said Michael, coming around the counter and he took a stack of comics from a box and put them on the shelf. “We're ... we're together ...” Justin answered him. Michael chuckled as he tidied his stock. “What do you mean ... like a couple?” “Well ... maybe ... maybe not a real couple ... not yet ... but we will be ...” Justin stated; though the odd nagging doubt had started to creep back in: Michael shook his head as he turned back to face him. “No way ... the Brian Kinney I know would never ever become part of a couple ...” “Why? Why is that so difficult to believe?” asked Justin; exasperated at everyone's opinion of Brian as a perpetual bachelor. “Brian Kinney ... are you kidding me? Mr. I-don't-believe-in-love-and-never-fuck-the-same-guy-twice ...” “Are you sure we're talking about the same Brian Kinney ...” continued Michael. “Brian Kinney ... the screen-writer ... lives out in West Virginia ...” stated Justin, though he was sure Michael knew exactly who he was talking about. “And founder and CEO of Kinnetik Advertising ... not that he's put in an appearance for years ...” “What ...” asked Justin, feeling like he'd been hit by a sledgehammer. “Well ... you should know ... aren't you working there ... with Ted?” And suddenly, Brian's words came back to Justin; something he hadn't realized the significance of at the time. “You've met Michael ... of course you have ... if you've been working at Kinnetik and know Ted and Emmett ..” and Justin closed his eyes. “Kinnetik is Brian's company ...” said Justin quietly; making a statement rather than asking a question. “Sure,” replied Michael. “Kinney ... Kinnetik ... don't tell me you never made the connection? I'm surprised Brian didn't tell you ...” but Justin shook his head: no, he hadn't made the connection and Brian had made no mention that Kinnetik was his brainchild. So maybe there were other things Brian hadn't told him either. “Tell me about the accident,” asked Justin; his heart heavy and dreading what was to come. “Oh ... so you know about that? “Mostly from what other people have told me ... and that isn't much ... but I need to know ...” Justin had thought the accident was just a part of Brian's past that could be forgotten, but now he realized it must have been a turning point for the man and something so serious it had completely changed his life around. Michael looked at him and could see how confused and bewildered Justin looked. He always seemed like a decent guy and if he did genuinely believe himself to be in a relationship with Brian, then perhaps he ought to know what happened and going over to the front door, Michael put the sign round to read 'CLOSED'. “There ... we won't get disturbed ...” Michael put on some coffee and he and Justin sat on the chairs at the back of the shop. “We were up state at a comic book convention ... I was giving a talk on gay comic book heroes and asked Brian to go with me ...” and Michael handed Justin a mug and sat down beside him. “Brian didn't want to go with me to start with and bitched all the way there ... it was cold ... it was a long journey and he wouldn't let me share the driving ... though I did offer ... but I just think he didn't want anyone else getting their hands on his baby ...” and he took a sip of his own drink and saw Justin raise an eyebrow. “Brian had this vette ... a classic,” explained Michael. “And no one else dared breathe on it ...” and Justin smiled weakly as Michael continued. “He got drunk the first night at dinner and I had to put him to bed ... and then he was late coming down to hear me give my speech ...” “'Course he didn't stay long ... caught the eye of this cute guy and disappeared out to the men's room ...” smirked Michael at the recollection and Justin looked down into his coffee mug. “Turns out the guy he fucked was in a similar line of business ... and he asked Brian if he'd like to go to a party at one of his client's houses out of town ... I think Brian was hoping to drum up some contacts for Kinnetik as well as getting laid ...” “Anyhow ... I didn't wanna go ... I was already with Ben ... I didn't need to score ... but Brian insisted ... just like old times ...” and Justin heard the obvious sarcasm in Michael's voice. “What do you mean?” he asked; looking up at him. “We had this system worked out ... well ... it worked out for Brian any how ...” “And that is he'd spend the evening partying and then when it came time to get home ... I always drove him ... he generally wasn't capable ...” and Michael took another swallow of his drink. “So ... anyhow ... we get to the party and like a good little boy ... Michael sticks to Pepsi ... while Brian gets taken away by the host ... I found Brian a little while later ... three guys with him ... all of them having the time of their lives ... leaving me to wait for when he was ready to leave ...” “Then ... when he was finally ready to go ... telling me he'd fucked everyone worth having ... he nearly got into a fight with a guy who just bumped into him ... I had to stop him from following the guy ...” “And when we get back to the car ... I tried to get his keys off him and get him to let me drive but he wouldn't let me ... said he was okay ...” and Michael snorted. “Sure he was okay ... a mile down the road and he winds down the window ... it was fucking freezing ... but he must have been starting to overheat or something ...” “And then the vette swerved and so I asked him if he was okay ... but he didn't answer me ... and when the vette swerved again I was terrified ... yelled at him ... asked him what he was on ...” “He looked like he was about to pass out ... so I tried grabbing the wheel ... but it was too late ... the car hit the curb and then a tree ... fucking amazing we both weren't killed ...” “I think I might have passed out ... just for a moment ... and when I came to ... Brian looked pretty bad ... I knew he must have been on something ... the road was clear ... and the conditions were good ...there was no reason at all why he should lose control otherwise ...” “Anyhow ... my ribs were killing me ... but I managed to get around to the other side of the car and yank the door open ... I then got him into the passenger seat and got behind the wheel ... so that it looked like I was driving ... and that's how the emergency services found us ...” “I knew that once they checked Brian out ... there was bound to be something that would show up in his system ... he could lose his license ... his business ... maybe even go to jail ... but if they thought it was me driving ... it would just go down as an accident ...” “And he never said anything ... he just let you take the blame?” asked Justin and Michael shrugged. Justin sighed. “Was he always such a ... a ...” “Selfish asshole?” offered Michael and Justin closed his eyes. So, it seemed like those stories about how Brian used guys; even his best friend, were true. Even when it sounded like that friend could have saved his life, if not his reputation, his business and maybe even his freedom. “Pretty much ...” came back the reply. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If Brian noticed a difference in Justin's attitude towards him over the next few days, he didn't mention it, but he certainly felt it. Slowly, it felt like Justin was moving away when Brian reached for him; not obviously, but just managing to avoid his touch; his kisses. And the man couldn't work out why or whether he was just imagining it. And then when Justin said he had some painting he wanted to do and didn't come to bed that night, Brian knew for sure it wasn't his imagination. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin sat staring at the painting of Brian and Gus for what must have been hours. How could he ever think he was in love with this man; a man who'd used guys and even a friend so callously in order to escape punishment? It made him feel like he wanted to throw up. It looked like Brian had deliberately allowed his friend to take responsibility for the accident in order to escape possible criminal charges for something he was accountable for; deliberately getting behind the wheel of a car when he was high on god knows what and almost killing his best friend. No wonder his family and friends didn't want anything to do with him, except for Vic; something that Justin didn't now understand having got to know just how honest and straightforward that man was. At least Hobbs had been given some sort of penance by the law, even if it had only been community service for the assault that almost killed Justin. An act that could so easily have left him like a vegetable; suffering months of depression and nightmares: leaving a hurt that had never completely gone away. It had almost taken from him the very thing that made him who he was; his art. But an assault which had sentenced him him to a lifetime of headaches and not a little self-doubt. And then Justin frowned to himself as he remembered the doubts he'd voiced and that Brian had tried to dissuade him from when he told him he should have faith in himself. Justin groaned; who the fuck was the real Brian Kinney? The selfish, dishonest asshole he'd once been or the man that Justin now thought he was? Could Brian really have changed? He knew he couldn't face him tonight and Justin suddenly didn't even have the energy to try. He couldn't look at Brian and see the hurt; the man wondering what it was he'd done and with his place now all dried out, Justin went to bed in his own rooms. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Neither man slept much that night; both pacing their respective bedrooms: both so alone and lonely for each other. Brian was so confused and wondering why, after finally starting to open himself up, that Justin was pulling way from him and Justin knowing he had to face Brian with the truth and that if he was as dishonest as it would appear, that there could be no place for Brian in his life. And, just around daybreak, Justin looked out the rear window of his living room to see the light on in the kitchen in the house; Brian was up and there was no time like the present. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian was showered and dressed and watching the sunrise from the kitchen window when he heard Justin let himself in through the back door and he turned to face him and then indicated the coffee pot. “Do you want some?” he asked him and before Justin had a chance to answer, Brian reached up into the cupboard for another mug; Justin sighed. “Aren't you gonna ask me why I didn't come back last night?” he asked him, but Brian merely shrugged and then handed him his coffee. “I guess you'll tell me in your own time ...” came the answer and Justin closed his eyes. “Don't you care ... care enough to even ask me ... show the slightest interest?” “Would you give a shit if I did?” answered Brian and now Justin stared at him. “Yes ... I would ... anything that gives me any indication that you have feelings too ...” but Brian looked away; still unable to tell him how he really felt; how scared he now was. Justin looked down into his coffee mug before speaking. “I went to see Michael yesterday ...” he stated eventually and looking up, he saw Brian close his eyes. “He told me about the accident ...” “Good ol' Mikey ... always could rely on him to tell it like it was ...” stated Brian and Justin wasn't sure, but he thought he heard the faintest note of sarcasm in his voice and then Brian sighed. “And I guess if you didn't come to our bedroom last night ... you've already made up your mind about it...” and without looking at Justin, Brian turned around and walked from the room and into the hallway. “Brian ...” Justin put down his mug and followed him and his heart leaped into his mouth as he heard Brian refer to 'our bedroom'. Was the man trying to tell him that he thought they were together; a couple maybe? “Don't you want to tell me your side?” asked Justin, desperate to find a reason why they should still be together. “What the fuck for? You've already cast me as the bad guy ... I wouldn't want to disappoint you ...” and Brian turned back to face him. “You're not going to hear me beg for forgiveness, Justin ... I'm not going to throw myself at your feet and plead for mercy ...” “I wouldn't want you to,” stated Justin firmly. “But an explanation might be good ... it just doesn't sound like the Brian Kinney I thought I knew ...” and now Brian stared at him and then turned away again and moved into the living room; standing in front of the fireplace. “I'm not the Brian Kinney you think you know ... fuck ... I'm not even the Brian Kinney I thought I knew any more ...” chuckled the man; mostly to himself and he sighed; turning his back on Justin: unable to face him. “The stories you heard ... the drinking ... the drug taking ... the guys ... all true ...” “Why ... why did you live like that ... you practically admitted you weren't happy ...” stated Justin; trying to understand the man. “I didn't know any different ...” answered Brian, truthfully. “I never thought I needed any one man ... someone special in my life ... I didn't believe in love ...” and Brian shook his head and closed his eyes. “What about now ... do you believe in love now?” challenged Justin and he went to stand alongside him; so close and Brian only wanted to reach out and touch him: but he couldn't: he could only sigh. Justin's heart went out to this man who struggled so much to reveal his feelings; who was scared of facing him in case Justin saw the fear in his eyes. Fear of admitting that maybe, deep down, he longed to love and be loved like anyone else. For Brian had started to accept that Justin loved him, only for the young man to pull away when faced with the truth of his actions. Having started this, Justin needed to know how it would end; whether he could find some mitigating circumstances in Brian's actions that would keep him hanging on to a thread of hope for their relationship. “And the accident ... is it true you were out of your skull on drugs ... and let Michael take the blame?” “Is that what he told you?” asked Brian, now facing him and he frowned. “I suppose that is what happened ...” “Well ... wasn't it?” asked Justin and Brian shrugged. “When I woke up in the hospital ... Michael was there ... saying he was glad he hadn't killed me ... I didn't understand what he was saying to start with ... I was so sure I'd been driving ...” “But then I realized what he was doing ... that he was taking the blame ... saying it was him who'd been driving when the accident happened ... not me ...” “Then when I heard the results of my blood test ... I realized why ...” “Then ... you didn't ask him to lie for you?” asked Justin; trying to make sense of it all and Brian shook his head. “But the time I realized what he'd done it was too late ... I couldn't say anything ...” and he saw Justin's questioning look. “Not only would Michael get into trouble for making a false report ... he and Ben were trying to adopt their foster-kid, Hunter ... I don't think the courts would have looked very favorably on Michael lying to the authorities ... do you?” Brian asked him and Justin frowned. “But what about the drugs ... you were high?” “Would you believe me if I told you otherwise?” asked Brian looking away and Justin took him by the elbow and swung the man around to face him. “I've known you long enough to realize you would rather say nothing than lie to me ... so ... what are you saying ... that you weren't high?” Brian sighed. “I had one drink ... nothing else ... I said it at the time and I'm saying it now ...” and Justin shrugged and turned away. “Now you don't believe me?” and the younger man turned back; searching his face: looking for the truth. Or was Brian lying even to him? Brian saw the doubt in Justin's eyes; if only he could make him understand. “Michael was my best friend ... since we were 14 ...” stated Brian. “He was always there for me ... we were there for each other ... do you really think I would have put his life at risk if I didn't think I should drive?” “Well ...” stated Justin, slowly, his mind working overtime. “What ... what is it?” asked Brian, seeing the younger man's frown and Justin scratched behind his ear. “Michael did say you used to have this system worked out ...” and he looked up at Brian. “He said that you would usually spend the evening partying and then when it came time to get home ... that Michael always drove you ... because usually you weren't capable ...” Brian smiled. “I'm ashamed to say that's true ...” “Well ... then why didn't you let Michael drive you back that night?” asked Justin. “Unless it was because you truly believed you were capable ...” and Justin looked up at Brian and saw the glimmer of hope in his eyes. “Then ... you believe me?” asked Brian, his heart pounding and he held Justin's gaze; proud hazel-eyes telling Justin this was the truth as Brian believed it to be. Brian could hear his own heart beat; like the ticking of a clock and it seemed like hours before Justin finally replied. The younger man smiled. “I believe you ...” and he saw Brian swallow and now those hazel eyes flecked with gold misted over. “I believe that's what you truly feel ... that you had one drink and nothing else ... and that's what really matters ...” he reassured him quietly and feeling a huge weight lifting from his heart, Brian reached for him and held him; Justin on tiptoes, enabling him to rest his chin on Brian's shoulder as they clung to each other. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin took Brian's hand and led him upstairs; they had a night to catch up on and he never wanted to be parted from Brian again. And this time more than any other, Justin felt Brian give of himself totally. How could he not? Brian hardly dared hope that Justin would believe him. But when he told him he did and he could see it in the blond's eyes; how could he ever doubt Justin's love again? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Why didn't you tell me about Kinnetik?” Justin asked him and Brian smiled. “I couldn't believe you didn't make the connection ...” he chuckled and Justin returned his smile and Brian sighed. “It was just easier not to ... it meant I didn't have to give any explanation why I wasn't there any more ... it doesn't sound like anyone's missed me ...” he snorted. “Don't sell yourself short ... the company has a brilliant reputation ... you're obviously a damn good influence ... Cynthia and Ted are doing a great job ...” “Well ... Ted always did want to be me ...” Brian chuckled and Justin grinned at the first self-praise he'd heard Brian utter and then saw the man's expression fall; only guessing what was going on in the man's head: that he'd worked so damned hard establishing Kinnetik and now didn't take any of the credit. Justin frowned; there were still a few things he didn't understand. “After the accident ... why did you shut yourself away ... practically admitting you were at fault?” asked Justin, sitting naked alongside him on the bed and Brian shrugged. “Everyone had already made their minds up ... I was drugged-up and Michael lied to save my ass ... either way I was fucked ... it was either I'd nearly killed Michael ... or I spoke out and probably cost Michael and Ben their chance to adopt Hunter ... they would have hated me either way ...” “But this way ... Michael got to adopt Hunter ...” stated Justin. “The stupid asshole ...” Brian shrugged. “He thought he was protecting me ... when instead he ...” “He ruined your fucking life ...” offered Justin, but Brian shook his head. “I think I was probably doing a good job at that all by myself ... to be honest ... I had probably driven home loads of times when I shouldn't have ... I'm lucky it didn't happen before ...” and Justin saw Brian's eyes cloud over and heard his voice shake. “When I think of all the heavy nights I'd had ... and then had Gus the next day ... that shit could still have been in my system ... it could have been Gus I'd put at risk ... I could have killed my son ...” “So instead you shut yourself away ... from everyone and became some hermit?” asked Justin. “What the fuck was that for?” “My punishment ... for all the times I'd been so fucking stupid ... and that I couldn't make sense of it all ... I had to believe what the medical reports said at the time of the accident ... that despite the fact I was so sure I'd only had one drink and had taken nothing else ... that there was so much shit in my system ... it had to be true ... how could I deny it?” “Besides ...” and Brian's fingers went automatically to the scars along his jawline and he looked down. “What?” Silently, Brian got up off the bed and padded over to the dresser; he picked up the photograph of himself holding baby Gus. “Who would want me?” and Brian stood looking at the beautiful man he'd once been. Justin slid off the bed and crossed the floor to join him and he put his hand on Brian's arm. “Are you kidding me? You just want to hear me say how hot you are ... right?” and Justin saw Brian blink in puzzlement. “You really think you're not?” Justin asked him in amazement, but the accident and scarring obviously had dented Brian's pride and self-esteem immeasurably and he turned Brian around to face him. “Brian Kinney ... you have got to be the hottest guy I have ever known ...” Justin reassured him, quietly and, despite all the doubts he'd had, Brian knew Justin meant it. To be continued. Thanks to Lois for all her work and advice and to Judy for her chats and to both of them for their continued friendship.