I want to thank a few people. First I want to thank my plot bunny on this, Shauna. Second I want to thank the HORS for their help on getting me the scene word for word. I was at my moms and she didnt have on demand. During that scene out on Liberty, the thoughts are from a friend of mine <b>THUMPA,</b> thanks for letting me use and pick your brain. Hope you all enjoy this. Also I want to thank the girls of the crazy club, and to my sister, Nisey. I Love you. Also thanks to Sid for letting me hound her time and time again about if it sounded right lol. Also, to Jim and Chris, for being such a great influence, Jim this is for you and that loving man of yours. Tell Matt and Alan hi for me. Also thanks to Denise{DP} I love you. And to the Ayslum. <HR>




I stand here on Liberty Avenue Street watching Justin walk into the meeting for Prop 14 and my heart feels like it is going to jump out of my chest. Remembering what got us to this point.

Yesterday I came home to find Justin sitting on the couch. He told me he’s been doing some thinking and that he has made up his mind.

He said that we both want different things and that it’s better for him to leave. How the fuck does he know what I want? I know I didn’t want a boyfriend, but he wiggled his way in and was my partner on and off for five fucking years. 

I didn’t do romance, but I find myself wanting to please him.

After he left, I went to Babylon, where Ted and Emmett told me Justin is staying with Mikey and Ben. Not believing my ears I went over after having a few drinks. Imagine that, my best friend and boyfriend, I mean ex have become close buddies when Michael used to hate Justin.

Michael yells at me about how it wasn’t him that made Justin leave, it was me. I told him it’s not me on what Justin wants. I can’t give him marriage and the whole nine yards. God, how could he hit the nail on the head with every word. They used to be so good at reading me. 

Justin has always been able to see through my façade and know my true feelings without me saying a word. What has changed?

I leave Michael’s after the taste of the truth hits me, and I frankly don’t like the taste. I go home to an empty loft and see just what I miss. I couldn’t sit there any longer, getting up I head down to where I know Justin will be. I see him walk out as I head towards him. I have to look into those eyes again.

“Hey” I look at him and see the sadness in his eyes. I miss you more than words could ever say.

“Hey” He tells me back, like usual. I know he’s hoping I will change my mind.

“How was the meeting?” I point to the button. I could care less what the meeting was about, but I knew you would be here because you are a more active in gay issues than I am. I'm proud to have you represent me. Of course I've never told you that

“You should have been there.” I roll my tongue in my mouth. I know he knew I wouldn’t be there. He didn’t expect me to be there. That I am not interested in the topics they spoke about. 

“I'm not Rage. Saving Gayopolis isn't my thing.” You know I've never been one to jump on a soapbox and proclaim my views except where it serves my purposes. Why did you put me on this pedestal as Rage when I'm not remotely deserving? Why can't you understand that just because we don't share the same views doesn't mean we can't be together?  I hate that he has put me up so high, knowing I am full of weaknesses. 

“You doing okay?” I as wonder if he is hurting like me. How are you doing without me? Are you as miserable as I am? I have a tough facade, but inside I'm a horrible mess.

“Yeah, I’m fine and you?” I want so much to tell him how much it’s hurting me, but with my fucked up ways, I can’t. It's difficult, but he’s trying his best. I forced him to be strong through heartache before. He can handle this on his own. I want to care how you are doing, but I don't think I can. 

“Likewise, thanks for asking.” I want to just hold him in my arms. Ok, let's cut the crap. This is ridiculous! We both want to be together, so why don't you say it? I need you and you need me. It's as simple as that. 

“Well I better get going.” He tells me as he looks at me for one last attempt, but not getting it. He’s giving me the opportunity right now to say I love him. If I say it, there is a better than good chance that he will come back to me. He knows in my heart and my mind I love him, but he needs me to say it. 

“Me too.” I whisper out. “Take care of yourself.” Like I would like to do but once again my fucked up mind not letting me. Ok, so I’m not going to give in. Why do I have to be so resilient! Damnit! I won't either.
 
I hope someone is taking care of you, since I’m not. 

“You too.” He tells me. This is my last opportunity to say it. I’m letting you walk away from me again. I want to be the one to give in. Fine, I guess I’m not going to say it. Can’t he see that I walked down here for him?

“Okay.” Looking at him too see if I can see what he is thinking. “See ya.”  

“See ya.” He looks at me as I nod my head. He walks by me and I can smell him. I miss that smell.

I watch him walk away. He isn’t looking back. I watch as I turn to see him stand under a street lamp, the same one as the first night, but on the other side of it this time. Babylon is on the other side of that lamp. Different view from here.

That night I met a young inexperienced boy. I took him home, breaking all my own rules through out the years. I would have never taken a trick to the hospital, nor get his help naming my son. I would have never been so gentle with a trick, but Justin was never really a trick.

I remember through out the years when Justin has been by my side. I remember the prom, how he looked, which Justin always looks hot. But that night he glowed. His ‘sunshine smile’ lit up the whole room and probably all of Pittsburgh.

I was so scared when he was bashed. I told myself I would never hurt like that again and the best way was to keep everything inside, like I have always done.

When he was in the hospital, I was there every night. Watching him as he slept, watching him as he had nightmares. I felt so helpless. I couldn’t do shit for him. I know he kept asking for me but I couldn’t let him see me like this. I couldn’t face him. 

Then when Ethan came into the picture I wanted so much to tell him things to make him stay, but I couldn’t. And he left the party with him. I felt so fucking lost then. 

But then he broke up with him, and came back to me. Telling me he ‘thinks’ I should take him back. I made a joke out of it and told him ‘no fiddler music’ and he agreed. But the truth it, I didn’t want to hear it because it reminded me of the hurt and loss I had when he left me. Not because the lad wasn’t good, but because he played it so often for Justin. 

Then there was the whole Stockwell thing. Where we both took him down. He said it was all me, but it wasn’t. I did end up selling everything I owned just to bring him down. But then Justin told everyone that I had done it and that I was going to sell the loft they all got together to help out. Leave it to Justin to open his mouth for the cause of saving my ass.

Then he stood by me when I got cancer. Even when I kicked him out, he came right back, telling me that he isn’t with me because I’m perfect, he is with me because I’m not and he wasn’t talking about my looks or my dick. He could always read my mind. He always knew what I couldn’t say, but then it wasn’t enough.

I look over to him and can’t help the fear inside as I see a guy nod at Justin who nods back at him and starts to walk away. 

I missed him when he was in LA and I missed him when he isn’t with me. And most of all I miss him now. I know I need him, and I can’t let him walk away again. So I make up my mind what I need to do.

“Justin.” I yell

He turns around as I walk to him. Starring at him he looks over his shoulder.

“What is it Brian, it’s cold out here.” He looks like he wants to run and cry, like me.

“I was hoping we could talk. We can go into the diner if you like to get out of the cold. There are some things I need to say to you.” I look into his eyes as he slowly nods.

Holding the door open for him to walk in, we take the booth in the back of the diner. He looks up at me after I take his hand.

“I can’t do this.” I look at him as he nods and slowly starts to get up. “No No Justin, I meant I can’t live without you.” He looks at me like I grew two heads, 

I motion for him to sit back down and he does. 

“Brian?” He looks at me like I am about to disappear.

“Let me say some things. I know that I never wanted a boyfriend, or partner but you were never like the others. You knew what you wanted, and you went after it. I looked up to you for that. I am taking your lead here and going after what I want.” I take a drink of the water that was placed on the table never taking my eyes off his.

“Justin, you showed me what kind of man I could be. The man I want to be. It was never about rather you were enough for me. You were always enough for me. I just felt like I wasn’t enough for you. I always felt you deserved so much more.” I can see a tear fall down his cheek as I reach over to wipe it off him he takes my hand.

“Brian, I never wanted anyone else.” I nod my head as I continue what I need to tell him.

“Justin, I don’t want us to end. I want to give you so much then what I have, and I know we need to go slow on this, and I am willing to do that, but I am NOT willing to lose you. I will take you out on dates. I will come for dinner and you can teach me how to cook.” I see him smile as I look at him.

“I want to say something to you.” He smiles even more.

“You don’t have to, I know how you feel.” He tells me but I know I have to do this. Not for him, for me.

“I was going to tell you everything that night of the prom when you came over, but then you were bashed and all my feelings went back down. I felt like I was going to die. I was there every night Justin.” I see his shocked face. “I watched you sleep. I was going to tell you but then my world was turned upside down and I felt like I couldn’t tell you because I was afraid it would be used against me, but because I haven’t said it, I am losing what is the most important MAN of my life. Besides Gus, who isn’t a man, but a boy.” I take a deep breath.

“Brian, I don’t know what to say.” He looks at me again.

“Justin, I am not making a promise I won’t fuck up. But I do promise I will try. I promise I will be there for you. I promise,” I lift his eyes to me, “I promise I love you. Then, now and forever.” He burst into my lap but no one thinks different on it since they have seen Justin in my lap many times before.

“Sunshine.” I laugh.

“I never thought you would say it and where everyone could hear you.” We look around and they aren’t stunned to see the blond in my lap, but the pledge of love to him.

“What are you looking at?” I ask.

“History being made.” One of them says. 

Smiling I nod my head as I look back to Justin. 

“I love you to Stud.” Kissing him I smile again, knowing that I just made him happy, but it also made me feel happy as well. And the fact that everyone was watching and clapping as I kiss Justin once again.

“Brian, I want to tell you something.” I look at him worried.

“What is it?” He smiles again.

“You are so going to get lucky tonight.” Laughing I look at him and smile surprising everyone with my next words.

“I already am lucky. Been lucky for 5 fucking years.” Kissing him once again we practically float out of the diner and make our way back to the loft, where we once again not only do the actions of love, but for once, speaking them as well.

Yea, rethinking is a good thing, it makes you realize just how lucky you are. And I am the luckiest son of a bitch alive because I have Justin.