Author’s Notes: This is a transition chapter. I have two more chapters coming up. Lyrics: Next Lifetime, Erykah Badu ----------------------------------------------------------------------- EVE The last couple of months had really been therapeutic. I couldn't believe how much better I felt just from a little rest and rejuvenation. I had done nothing but sleep, rest, Pilates, yoga and meditation. I hadn't realized how much the personal appearances, the radio and cable show not to mention my social life were draining me until I had a chance to just lay back and take a breather. Heather had been wonderful. She was supportive and caring...and smothering. I felt bad feeling like that. Still, it was true. I couldn't turn without her being there asking me, "How are you feeling?" I knew she was afraid. My diagnosis of cancer had really terrified her. The other medical complications didn't make things easier. Gastro Esophagus Reflux Disease or in medical terms GERD was just as difficult to say as it was on my body. Sometimes I felt as if everything I ate was literally toxic. Heather didn't say it but that first month when I spent as much time praying to the porcelain throne as I did sleeping it really shook her up. At those times I would laugh and tell Heather I really had no problems being on my knees with my mouth open but I preferred something going down my throat rather than coming out of it. She wasn't amused. We had a few intense disagreements about my choice of treatments. In other words Heather wasn't convinced the holistic/naturalist approach was the way to go. Some of our disagreements were very heated. She wanted me to go the traditional route and have radiation therapy but I refused. There had been a few tense days. I had to admit that there were days that I almost gave in to Heather's logic and constant urging. Somehow I held out. Then day by day my strength improved and I stopped looking like and feeling like death warmed over. Once Heather realize my health was progressing she let up on the nagging. She didn't let up on the smothering. It was daily and it was annoying. I loved Heather. She was loving, caring, understanding and sensitive to my moods. She held me when I puked my guts out. Held me in the shower when I was too tired and too weak to stand on my own. She encouraged me when didn't want to get out of bed; when I felt like giving up. She was always there no matter how many times I yelled at her in frustration. She stood by me through it all. I agreed to share the master bedroom with Heather. Heather said that it was easier on her to have me by her side if I needed her in the night or if I got ill. It made sense. As I got better it just didn't make any sense to move to another bedroom so I stayed. It had taken time but over the last few months we had settled down to a very comfortable life together. I did a remote radio program three times a week. It was Brian's idea. I set up a studio/office in one of the bedrooms. He got all the equipment I needed and once I settled into the condo technicians came and set everything up. And it worked fabulously. Most importantly, it gave me something to focus on other than my illness. As I began to feel better, Heather and I began getting out of the condo. We spent time going out to museums, or the park or any interesting places where Heather wanted to visit. And we shopped. Heather and I seemed to constantly shop. We were getting along so well and having so much fun. Heather was a true friend. In the back of my mind I hoped that Heather understood we were great friends. Nothing more. I was trying to get Heather to understand that. I could see that each day we spent together Heather was looking at our arrangement as permanent. I knew that we would soon need to talk. Maybe it was wishful thinking on my part, but I just wanted Heather to realize that what we had together was just a great friendship. Heather and I had been settled for a couple of months when Heather got a call from her publisher that she was needed in New York if only for a few days. Heather was finally putting some of her best photographs and articles on photography in a book. I put in a good word for Brian to do the advertising for the book. Heather seemed very reluctant to consider Brian. For some unknown reason I knew Heather didn't like him but I hoped she could put her feelings aside and look at the great work Brian did. As I told her when it came to adverting Brian was the best. After constantly assuring her that I would be fine on my own for a few days Heather finally agreed to fly to New York. Thursday afternoon I dropped her off at the airport. On my way back to the empty condo I thought about what I was going to do with myself while Heather was gone. A few days alone sounded liberating. Since we had moved to Philadelphia Heather and I had spent almost every second of the day together. I told Heather I would rest and take it easy but the closer I drew to downtown area the more I wanted to be out. I did a little shopping and then decided to stop off and get a fat free, decaf latte and maybe a slice of cake. I knew the perfect little cafe that served coffee, ice creams and appetizers. I could sit on the patio and watch pedestrians and cars pass by. It sounded better than going back to an empty condo. I found a parking space and walked to the café. The forecast was for rain, yet the day was warm, sunny and a little breezy. For me it was a perfect day to sit on a cafe patio and enjoy a cool mid-spring day. A stray strand of hair blew across my face as I entered the cafe. I tucked it behind my ear. The waitress showed me to a table on the patio with a perfect view of the street and gave me a menu. I slid my shades over my eyes as I read the menu. The cafe's specialties were coffees, ice cream concoctions, cheesecake and finger foods that included wings, cheese sticks and sandwiches. I ordered a decaf double mocha to start and asked for a few minutes before I made my food order. I sat back and watched the cars and pedestrians pass by. A few men caught my eye. I smiled but I gave them no encouragement to do anything other than say hello. I was admiring a Mercedes and thinking about buying that model when I noticed the man waiting to cross the street. Something about him was familiar. He was long and lean. He was wearing a pair of black jeans that hugged his slim hips and long legs. The long sleeved green t-shirt skimmed his lean muscular chest. His hair was a little long, brushing the collarless silk t-shirt. He sported a pair of shades that even from this distance I could tell were designer. I noticed how women walking by were all eyeing him up and down. He didn’t seem to notice them or pay them much attention. The first thought that crossed my mind was Brian. Could it be Brian? My heart did a strange leap. "Brian!" I called and started waving. At first he didn’t seem to recognize me. I know I’d changed a lot in the time I’d been gone but I didn’t think I had changed that much. Finally after studying me for several long unsettling minutes he waved back and crossed the street. I tossed my napkin from my lap to the table and stood up to greet him. I hoped I looked good. His eyes traveled up and down my body. I was wearing a simple hand embroidered white cotton peasant blouse accessorized with a suede beaded belt hanging loosely below my waist. My pants were dark blue jeans and a pair of wedge heel sandals. I tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear as I awaited Brian's approach. Somewhere in the back of my mind I wondered what Brian was doing in Philadelphia but I was so happy to see him I didn't really care. He crossed the street coming towards me. I noticed he was wearing a well groomed five o’clock shadow that even George Michael would envy. It was well groomed and trimmed very close. He approached slowly his stride sexy, arrogant and confident. So, like Brian....and then again, so unlike Brian. Brian's walk was an easy, languid predatory stride.' Just as these thoughts entered my mind he stepped up on the curb. Before he walked up to the cafe railing I realized I'd made a mistake. He gave me a lazy sexy smile, "I'm not Brian, but maybe I'll do." He was flirting and he was one gorgeous man. My eyes slowly traveled over his body. "Will I do?" "Maybe," I answered playfully leaning closer to the railing. My shirt gaped open a little giving him clear view of my impressive cleavage. I pushed my shades up on top of my head. I knew my golden brown eyes were one of my best features. The combination of my facial features had been stopping men and women since I was in my teens. "This Brian, is he a boyfriend, lover, husband?" I leaned closer my voice dropped seductively, "No, ex, no." He laughed at my answers, "In that case what will it take to get an invitation to join you?" I flirted shamelessly. Then again I had little shame to begin with. My voice was low breathy and sexy. Brian had called it whiskey and smoke. "You can start by taking off your shades." His sensuous lips tilted up in a smile. “Anything you want.” He removed his shades to reveal a pair of startling clear green eyes. On close inspection the similarities between Brian and the man before me were merely superficial. Brian's hair was a shade darker than the light chestnut color of the man standing before me. The man before me had crystal clear green eyes and Brian's eyes were a mixture of gold, brown and green. Plus the man had a five o’clock shadow. It was trimmed very close to the skin. I had never really cared for men with beards, but I had to admit it looked very sexy on him. His body was long and trim but he probably weighed a little more than Brian. I was good with sizing men up and I guessed his height was a couple of inches below Brian's probably 6'0” and he was a little heavier than Brian about 190 to 200 pounds. I decided I liked what I saw. I liked it very much. I reached out my hand, "I'm Eve Worthington-Grassi. And you are?" He engulfed my hand in his large one. I noticed his hands were smooth and strong and his nails manicured. I loved a man that took care of his hands. "I'm Harrison Gale. Now, what about that invitation?" Our eyes locked. I knew exactly what I was reading in them. The invitation to join me for lunch was just the preliminary for an invitation to fuck. I knew my first attraction to him was solely based on his resemblance to Brian but as I studied him I realized I was attracted to him because he was an interesting sexy man. I thought about Heather. But Heather was in New York. She and I had made no promises to be monogamous and Harrison was a very, very handsome man. Still, was I even in the mood? I shrugged inwardly. Inviting him to lunch didn’t have to go any further than that…lunch. I made up my mind. "Join me." He had such a beautiful perfect smile, "I thought you’d never ask." -------------------------- We had placed an order for food. Unlike Brian, Harrison had a healthy appetite. Over our late lunch or early dinner our conversation had been flirtatious and light. I told him I was from Atlanta and we both laughed because he too was from the Atlanta area. We both laughed that we had lived in Atlanta at the same time but it took us visiting Philadelphia to meet each other. I told him I now lived in Pittsburgh but I was staying in Philadelphia for a few months. He told me he was in Philadelphia for his sister's wedding and then he would be leaving for Canada for work. We talked a little about his sister and his niece and nephew. He seemed to be very close to them. Harrison was easy to talk with and I was enjoying our easy banter. "Excuse me but aren't you Harrison Gale." We were so engrossed in our conversation we didn't see anyone approach our table. We looked up to see a young woman standing by our table. She was in her late teens to early twenties. She was looking at Harrison with something akin to worship in her eyes. "Yes, I am." She did something only teens and drama princesses can get a way with. She squealed. I quickly glanced around and noticed a few people had turned to watch us. "Can I have your autograph and take a picture? Please, please. I’ll just die if I don’t!" She was practically jumping up and down. Definitely a drama princess. She made me think of Daphne. He gave her a devastating smile. It had the desired effect, she was beaming with worship. "As long as my companion doesn't mind it will be fine." I shrugged good naturedly, "We can’t have her dying. It’s fine with me." "Can you take a picture of us together?' She asked hopefully. “My pleasure,” I stood up and took the camera from her outstretched hand. She took my seat and inched closer to Harrison. I snapped several shots and gave the camera back to her. Harrison quickly signed the pad she gave him and handed it back. "Thank you, thank you," she said effusively and she went back to the table with her group of friends. Their squeals reached our table as they admired the autograph. I sat back down and turned to Harrison, "What was that all about?" He sipped his beer before he answered. "A year or so ago I played the resident bad boy on a weekly cable TV program." He seemed a little hesitant to continue. "I played a Gay character in the series *Gay As Blazes.*" He watched me to gage my reaction. I burst out laughing. I had watched the show once but I hadn’t paid much attention to it. “What’s so funny?" “Brian hated that series. I watched it with him one night and he kept asking; Where’s the sucking, where’s the fucking? He thought that the show was an attempt by straight mainstream media to sugarcoat the Gay lifestyle to something that was acceptable to them.” I shook my head in amusement. “It's seems as if art is imitating reality. You portrayed the Gay bad boy on *Gay As Blazes* and Brian is the resident bad boy on Liberty Avenue. I don’t think there is a Gay man within a 100 mile radius that he hasn’t nailed. I guess you’ve figured out that Brian’s Gay. My mother, father, Daddy, my cousin Michael, Brian's partner Justin and my friends Emmett, Ted, Lindz and Mel are also Gay." He seemed to contemplate what I had said. "If Brian is Gay...?" I knew what he was asking. I had told him Brian was an ex-lover. I smiled wistfully thinking about the few times Brian and I had made love. I had come to terms long ago with that. I was no longer in love with Brian. Yet there were still a few wistful feelings lingering. "Let's just say we got drunk a few times and decided to play a little. We realized our mistake and put an end to it." “Was Brian what’s called *down low*? Did he hide it from you?” I snorted, “Brian is proud to be Gay and doesn’t even attempt to hide it from anyone. I guess he’s not what the straight world would consider Gay acting.” I was thoughtful for a few seconds. “Although he is a glorified label queen and his vanity certainly runs deep.” “Then…?” I knew what he was asking. “Yes, I knew Brian was Gay. I pursued him anyway. I wanted him so badly that I was willing to take whatever he gave me. We came to our senses. I realized I loved him more than I lusted after him. Plus his partner is one of my best friends. It didn’t take me long to put my priorities in order. I was in love with a man that I could never have no matter how much I wanted him. Besides the few times we were together we were both high. I’d like to think a man could get it up for me without being blasted out of his mind at the time. I do have an ego you know.” Harrison laughed. I loved the throaty sounds of his laughter. “He reconciled with Justin. I was happy for them. They deserved each other. They deserved to be happy. They have been through too much not to have found happiness together.” He shook his head in acknowledgement of my statement. "Is that why you are here and not in Pittsburgh because Brian is with someone else?" "It took awhile but I can honestly say I’m no longer *in love* with Brian. I still love him but my infatuation is over.” “So you came to Pittsburgh on business?” I thought about it and decided it wouldn't hurt to tell him the true reason I was in Philadelphia. “I came to Pittsburgh to rest.” I was quiet for awhile wondering how much to tell Harrison. I went with the truth. “I found a lump in my breast several months ago. It was cancer. I had it removed. I decided I wanted to do the recovery away from my family." "Why not tell your family?" He asked confused. I didn't want to avoid his question but I knew I was not about to divulge my father's medical condition to a man that was still basically a stranger. I decided to go with a condensed version. "Mother died in a skiing accident when I was a few months old. My father took custody of me. My Daddy was my biological father’s lover. When my father died in an accident my biological grandfather took me away from my Daddy. I just recently found my Daddy again. While I was searching for him I learned he had just recovered from a long illness. My Aunt Deb, my Dad's sister was the one that nursed him back to health. She also stood by my cousin's side when his partner took ill and had to be nursed back to health. I didn’t want to burden my father and the family with this. I knew my father and my Aunt Deb would try to take care of me. I didn’t want my father’s health to deteriorate trying to take care of me and I didn’t want to burden Aunt Deb. The last thing my family needed was to nurse another member of the family through a lengthy illness. I decided to spare them." "Are...are you okay? Did they get it all…the cancer?" His voice shook slightly as he asked the questions. "Yeah they got it all. My doctor advised me to have radiation to be on the safe side. I declined his advice. Instead of the conventional treatment of radiation I decided to try a more controversial holistic approach. Another reason I didn't tell my family about the cancer because I was sure they would try to convince me to take the radiation therapy." "So, no one in your family knows?" "Well, Brian, Justin and Daphne know. They are the ones that helped me until I moved here with Heather. I couldn't have made it without them. My health was deteriorating. I couldn't have lasted another month in Pittsburgh the way I was going." I could see the shocked expression on his face. I continued, "I'm a radio DJ and I host a cable Music/ talk series. The schedules of the radio show, the cable show and the personal appearances were taking their toll. The clincher was when I fainted after a personal appearance and had to be rushed to the hospital. That was my wake up call. I knew then I needed to get away to rest. My family thinks I'm on a Caribbean cruise with Heather." Since confession was good for the soul I figured it wouldn't hurt to tell him everything. "Heather is the woman I’m living with. In the past I explored an emotional and sexual relationship with her." He was surprised by my revelation but I could tell he wasn’t repulsed. "Is Heather still your lover?" He asked. "No. She's been here by my side to offer me support while I rest and recuperate. I don’t want to pursue another intimate relationship with her. I think she knows that. Still she is very important to me. I love her. She gave up a lot to be here with me. To be by my side. Not many people would have placed their career on hold to nurse a sick friend. It has been a challenge for both of us. The first few weeks I was here I was sick almost every day. Each day gets better but still I have a few bad days." "Where do you get your strength to continue?" I snorted, “I believe in Faith and Grace. Each morning as I wake up I mutter, Faith and Grace to make it through each day. I live every day for Faith and Grace." He looked a little puzzled. I gave a wry smile. Faith is a belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence. Grace is divine love and protection bestowed freely on people. I have Faith that Grace is bestowed upon me daily. It’s how I make it through each second of each day. "That's really beautiful," he said softly. For some reason it made me blush from the soft expression in his eyes. "Thank you,” I replied softly. Harrison was staring at me thoughtfully. I guess he was trying to come to terms with all of my revelations. He surprised me with his own revelation. "I understand the battle with cancer. I wished I would have had your outlook at the time. Several years ago while my fiancé, Thea was giving me a blow job she noticed a small lump in my testicle. I didn't really think much of it. I was young and healthy. Thea thought I should at least check it out so I did. It was testicular cancer. I went through the same thing you did, but instead of just removing the tumor the entire testicle was removed. Then the fun part started…radiation. I was so weak I couldn’t work. I lost the leading role in a film I’d worked my ass off to get. I lost my hair, I couldn’t hold down food. I lost weight. I looked like a skeleton. For a time I couldn’t even perform sexually.” He was quiet for a moment. I could tell he was relieving some of the horror of radiation. He let out a slow breath and continued. “After I was cancer free I had surgery to replace the testicle. I should have been as good as new,” he finished sarcastically. Based on the sarcasm I knew something painful was coming. "Thea and I had put off the wedding until after the cancer treatment was over. As part of my check up my doctor took a look at my sperm." A slight grimaced crossed his face. "Let's just say my boys weren't swimming. I didn't know if it was from the radiation or if it had always been like that. I went through a period of depression. And I took a little time to think. I made a few important decisions. One was that I wasn't ready to get married." I didn't have to ask him how Thea took the news. I could imagine. She was probably angry at him for calling off the wedding. Unfortunately, my assessment of the situation was wrong. "Thea seemed to be relieved when I called off the wedding. I think she would have gone through with it but I knew how much she wanted children. I don't think she’d have been satisfied with adoption or raising children that weren't hers. Due to her religious beliefs I knew she wouldn’t have considered a sperm donor. Thea wanted to be a wife and a mother. One I could give her the other I couldn’t. So, we broke up. It was the best thing for both of us. She married last year. I sent her a wedding gift." "You said you didn’t think that Thea would have been satisfied raising children that were not hers. What about you? Can you love and raise a child that isn’t yours as if it were yours?" He didn't think twice before he answered. "Yes. You had two fathers that loved you. My father deserted my family when I was a child. I was five maybe, my sister was three, and my younger brother was barely one. I don't even remember him now. My Mom had to work two jobs to support us. She was rarely at home and when she was she was tired. When I was old enough I got a job to help her out. My mother instilled in us responsibility and following our dreams. She said that had she followed dreams she wouldn’t have married so quickly. That’s why I pursued acting. It was my dream. She was right there supporting me all the time. Encouraging me when I wasn’t chosen for a part I desperately wanted and applauding me whenever I got a part no matter how small. She nursed me through my cancer and stood by me when I decided to break off my engagement. I promised myself if I ever had children I’d raise them like my Mom raised me, by brother and sister. They will be secure in knowing that I’ll always be there, I’ll always support and encourage them and I'll always love them." I had to ask the question, “And if they are Gay?” “I’ll still love them. I think I’ll support and encourage them more, though. There life will be difficult. America doesn’t offer much support for Gay Americans.” Harrison had just passed a test I’m sure he didn’t know he was taking. We were both silent and thoughtful after his declaration. Damn! He was really making it hard for me to look at him as just a quick fuck. And if he wasn’t a quick fuck then there was no place for him in my life. I looked away from him. The sun was slowly setting. The traffic outside the café had slowed down. The foot traffic was a bare minimum. We had been sitting at the cafe for well over 2 hours. The sun was slowly setting. It wasn't late but I knew we had stayed a long time. We were just lucky that the cafe wasn’t very busy. I hated to leave. I knew it was time to go. And as I made that decision I made another decision. Harrison and I weren’t meant to be. It was the wrong time. I looked at my watch, “It’s late. I’d better get going.” I pulled out my credit card but Harrison had his out first. “No. This is my treat. It’s been a long time since I’ve truly enjoyed the company of a beautiful woman.” I smirked, “I’m sure you enjoy the company of many beautiful women.” He returned my smirk, “I have sex with many beautiful women. That doesn’t mean I enjoy their company.” I was blushing like a fucking school girl. “Well, the feeling is mutual.” ------------------------- The walk to my car was torturous. I knew I was doing the right thing that didn’t mean it was easy. I opened my car door tossed my purse on the passenger seat and turned back around to face Harrison. “Are you sure I can’t get you to change your mind?” He asked. This beautiful, sexy man had no idea how hard it was for me to walk away from him. “Maybe another time,” I said wistfully. He pulled a card from his wallet. “Give me a call.” I took the card and twirled it between my fingers. “I will,” I promised. He leaned down and lightly brushed his lips against mine. I opened my lips and his tongue slipped inside my mouth. He gathered me close and I felt the contours of his long, firm muscular body. His kiss was hot erotic and breathtaking. His tongue darted in my mouth to mingle and dance with mine. My arms encircled his waist and I pulled him as close as I could. The touch and taste of him was intoxicating. My body was exploding all around me. Then it was over. One of the most mind blowing kisses I’d ever experienced was ending. He pulled his head back and gave me a wicked smile. “Just a little something for you to remember me.” “I’m not likely to forget you,” I said truthfully. My voice sounded breathy and husky to my own ears. He gave me an arrogant smile. “Good to know.” I was still reeling from the kiss as I eased behind the steering wheel of my car and closed the door. Harrison waited until I had locked all the doors and started my car before he walked away. I watched the sexy stride as his long legs carried him farther and farther from my sight. Maybe if I'd met him a few months earlier or maybe even a few months from now. Maybe things would have been different then. Maybe I would have been able to make a place for him in my life. I had been thinking a lot about ifs and maybes lately and this was another of those times that ifs and maybes floated through my mind. Things were so complicated and confusing now. My life was too full to add another person to the equation. The car felt muggy. I turned on the air conditioner. The blast of cold shooting from the vents chilled my skin. I cut the volume up on my CD player my eyes never straying far from Harrison. The song on the CD player penetrated my mind. Such appropriate words. Now what am I supposed to do when I want you in my world How can I want you for myself When I'm already someone's girl? No truer words had been said or in this case sung. I was someone else's girl. Heather's…maybe. She had been there for me. She'd put aside her work to be by my side. She was the one that held me when I was too sick to hold myself up. She loved me with all her heart. If only I could return half of that love to her. If I could love her the way she wanted in this lifetime, maybe the next one. I let out a long drawn out sigh as the chorus of the song repeated. I guess I'll see you next lifetime You know I want to stay around I guess I'll see you next life time I'm so confused now I put the car in drive and pulled out of the parking space. As I drove off Harrison was just a blur on long, sexy jean clad legs walking away from me. I guess I'll see you next lifetime ----------------------------------- "Wow!" He rolled away bringing me with him. His skin was covered with a fine sheen of sweat and he was trying to get his breathing under control. "I'm known for the *Wow* factor," I laughed breathlessly. He wasn’t the only trying to catch their breath. Hell, I was definitely feeling the same Wow. He laughed. “Not the modest type, huh?” “Nope,” I replied. “And the blow job…the little thing you do with your tongue...” he was still catching his breath. “Where did you learn that?” “I have a helluva lot of experience,” I teased. “Plus someone known for giving great blow jobs taught me.” I decided not to tell him it was a trick I’d learned from Brian. I rolled over on my back and Harrison leaned over me. His index finger trailed a line between my breasts to circle my navel. “This experience…how much is a *helluva lot*?” I knew it would come to this discussion. Not that I was shame of anything I’d done in my past. I just wasn’t sure how Harrison would take it. I had never been afraid to talk about my sexual conquests before and I wasn’t about to start now. “My sexual conquests are probably legendary in Atlanta and before I became ill I was racking them up in Pittsburgh. Men have always been the means to an end. The end being a few shattering orgasms for both parties involved then moving on to the next. I can’t name half of the men I’ve fucked, although, I can name everything I’ve done with them. There are only a few things that I haven’t tried other than that I’m pretty adventurous.” Harrison seemed surprised but not repulsed by my revelations. His finger continued to circle my navel as he watched me thoughtfully. “Have you engaged in a threesome and orgy?” “Yes.” “You’ve already admitted to having a relationship with another woman. Have you indulged in spanking?” “Yes, only I was the one doing the spanking.” That shocked him a little. “What about bondage?” “A little. I find it erotic as long as I’m the one in control.” “You like being in control?” “Yes, but I have no problem giving that control over to the right man.” That appeased him. I didn’t bother to mention I’d only given control over to two men in the last five years. He was one Brian was the other. “Have you indulged in anal sex?” “Yes, gave and received, but I’ve only received from one man.” He was shocked, “Given!” I gave a wicked little smile, “There is this strap on….” I paused. “Action is better than words. Maybe if you lower your inhibitions one day we can practice.” He laughed, “I’ll think about it.” “How experienced are you in anal sex?” I asked. He shrugged, “I’ve had anal sex with a few women. I don’t think they enjoyed it very much.” I shook my head in understanding. The first time with Brian hadn’t been the most pleasurable experience. The next few times had been much, much better. Then again Brian was very experienced in what he was doing and I knew what I needed to do to get myself off. I didn’t want to mention it to Harrison but he probably wasn’t that knowledgeable about anal sex. He probably thought you just shoved it in and started pumping. Men were so sensitive when it came to there sexual performance. I didn’t want to insult Harrison but it wouldn’t hurt for him to get a little more knowledge. “You know there are a few books on the subject of anal sex,” I said tactfully. I didn’t quite know what to expect. I could only hold my breath and wait for his response. “Hmmm,” he gave me a smoldering look. “AND once I get all this knowledge maybe you can help me put it to good use?” I gave him my sexiest smile. “Maybe.” He turned serious, “You said men are nothing more than conquests to you, an end to a means. Is that what today and tonight is about? Proving that you are still attractive, that you can still get any man you want?” I gave his question considerable thought before I answered. “No that is not what today was about. “It’s good to know that I still have it. That a man and handsome as you still finds me sexy and attractive, but that wasn’t what *this* was about.” I took a deep breath and said something I didn’t think I’d ever tell a man again. “I *like* you. I wanted to be with you. That’s what today is about.” If he kept gifting me with sexy alluring smiles I’d probably have to follow him where ever he led. Harrison had a dangerous smile. “I *like* you too.” He pulled me closer to him. He was staring in my eyes. His beautiful green eyes staring at me lovingly. I felt giddy. I couldn't believe this. I *liked* a guy. Not just because he was good in bed, which Harrison was, not because I wanted to prove to him and myself that I was the *best fuck ever* but because I liked him as a person. It was a novel thing for me. As I was driving away from him today I changed my mind. I don’t know if it was the song or thinking about what the fortune teller told me years ago, I just knew I couldn’t wait for the Next Lifetime. I drove up behind Harrison blew my horn and asked him where he was staying. We ended up at his hotel suite. His thoughts mirrored mine. "What made you change your mind?" He asked. I pushed his damp chestnut bangs off his forehead. "Let's just say I decided I didn't want to wait until Next Lifetime." He tilted his head and stared at me. Finally I asked, "Why are you staring at me so intently?" "I just want to make sure you are real...this is real. I...I," he hesitated for a moment then traced his finger down my cheek. "Believe me when I say I have never responded to a woman mentally, emotionally or physically this way before. It's...It's..." "Say no more. I know what you mean," I said and laid my head on his hard chest. I listened to the beating of his heart and his breathing. It was comforting. I’d never done this with another man before. Not even with Brian. I wondered if this was how it felt to care about a man that found everything about you sexy, desirable and his only thought, his only desire was to please you. To make you happy. If it was I liked the feeling. I was so glad I didn't wait for a Next Lifetime that I might not have. "Are you tired? This didn't overtax you did it?" he asked anxiously. I snorted arrogantly, "Honey I assure you it's going to take more than an awesome, mind blowing fuck to *over tax* me." I heard his laughter rumble through his chest. "Awesome and Mind blowing, huh?” I slapped his chest playfully. “Don’t get a big head…” my fingers trailed down his taut stomach moving lower and lower, “well of course you can keep the one you have a little lower.” He kissed me quickly and firmly. “I'm laying here trying to figure out how I'm going to keep up with you when you are back to full health." I flicked one of his taut brown nipples with my tongue, "Don't worry I'll teach you how." I rolled over and straddled him. My hand reached behind me and grabbed his already hardening cock. "Practice does make perfect." I leaned down, grabbed his pants off the floor and pulled the belt from the loops. He grabbed my hips to support me as I leaned over the bed. “You have a great ass.” He said caressing the twin globes. I looked over my shoulder and rewarded him with a sexy smirk, “So I’ve been told.” He traced the tattoo on my shoulder and my lower back. “Your tattoos are sexy as fuck.” “Hmm,” I mumbled struggling to release the belt from the belt loops. Finally I got it pulled it free. “Speaking of fuck,” I said as I straighten bringing the belt with me. I sat firmly in his lap. He watched me speculatively. Then those green eyes sparkled with mischief. “What’s that for?” He asked a little breathy. I could tell he knew exactly what I was up to. So, he likes a little S&M I mused. “You’ll see,” was my only answer. I grabbed his hands with no resistance. I quickly and efficiently wrapped the belt around his wrists and secured it to the bed. I leaned down and kissed his nose. "Now I’m in control and we are going to do things my way.” Harrison was practically panting with desire. I leaned down and my lips touched his ear as I whispered, “And sometimes I like it a little rough. So take off the kid gloves and give me all you got." "Whatever you want baby. Whatever you want," he panted. ------------------------------------- We were standing outside the hotel waiting for the taxi Harrison had called to take him to the airport. I had offered to drive him but he didn’t want me dealing with the hassle of the airport. I’d spent most of the last four days with Harrison. Although, he’d invited me to his sister’s rehearsal dinner and the wedding I’d declined. As much as I wanted to spend every minute with him he had duties and I had responsibilities also. Plus I never liked living at a hotel. The time seemed to fly by so quickly. Harrison and I had learned so much about each other and the more I learned about him the more I wanted to be with him. The more I knew about him the more I knew that if given the chance this man could be important in my life. And I wanted to give him the chance. “So, we’ll see each other soon?” He said pulling me out of my musings. I looked up into his clear green eyes. Over the course of four days I’d come to love his eyes especially when they were glazed with desire and passion for me. “In a few months,” I specified. “I have to talk to Heather. I can’t just walk away from her. She’s done a lot for me. She deserves more than a thank you, I’ll see you later. No matter what happens with you and me, I’ll do everything in my power to keep Heather in my life. She means too much to me not to have her as a part of my life. I need you to understand that. Just be patient.” Over the last few days Heather had been a major contention between us. Harrison quickly realized that I was no longer in love with Brian but my commitment to Heather was very deep. He touched the infinity knot he given me last night. The gold chain was long enough for the knot to rest in the middle of my cleavage. Harrison admired the chain and my cleavage before he raised those beautiful clear eyes to look at me. He gently lifted my chin on his forefinger. “I understand Heather is important to you. Hell knowing how well she has taken care of you I owe her a debt of gratitude I may never be able to repay, but,” he stressed, “please don’t ask me to be patient. Patience is not one of my virtues. I’m fighting for the woman I want and that’s you. If Heather was in my position I assure you she would be just as impatient.” I let out a soft sigh. I reached up and smoothed my hand over his jaw line and ran my thumb across his full bottom lip. I’d come to love the soft feel of this beard. I loved the feel of it as it brushed against my cheek, my neck, my breasts my thighs….I shook the thoughts away. That line of thinking would weaken my resolve. “I understand Harrison. Believe me if it was the other way around I’d be just as adamant that you end your relationship with another woman and do it immediately. There are extenuating circumstances in my case. I’m going to need a little more time.” I could tell by the expression on his face he wasn’t please with what I was saying. I tried to pacify him. “You are going to be working on this movie for at least 4 months. During that time you are going to be very busy. Give me at least that long to resolve things here and go back home to Pittsburgh. I’ll keep in touch with e-mails and calls.” I could tell he wasn’t exactly pleased, but he realized it was the best he could get at the moment. His cab pulled up beside us. The driver got out and loaded Harrison’s suitcases in the trunk. Harrison pulled me in for another mind blowing, knee buckling kiss. If there was a man that deserved a Ph.D in the art of kissing it was Harrison. His kisses were carnal, erotic and demanding. Just the way I loved kisses. He broke the kiss. He still held me firmly. “I’ll call you when I get settled in my hotel room. We can finish this conversation then.” I nodded. He gave me another quick kiss and stepped in the cab. I stood at the entrance of the hotel and watched until the cab was a yellow blur. I turned and walked to my car. Maybe if I was lucky I’d have some time to think before Heather arrived back in Philadelphia. Maybe If I had a Next Lifetime the decisions I had to make this life time wouldn’t be so painful. I had been waiting for the right time to tell her about Harrison. I just kept putting it off. I already knew the hurt that would cross her face when she learned about him. -------------------------------------- I leaned back in my chair. My fingers brushed across the brass collage photograph frame of the family I'd placed on my desk. When I missed them so much it ached looking at the photographs helped. Then of course I'd pick up the telephone and call the family and end up talking for hours. They kept asking me when I was coming back home and I kept avoiding the answer. My family didn't know I was only a few hours away. Brian knew exactly where I had moved. He promised to keep it secret from the rest of the family. Everyone else thought Heather and I were resting and relaxing in the Caribbean. Staying in Philadelphia was the ideal place. I was able to remain close just in case of a family emergency. Heather and I leased a furnished three bedroom condo. We had added a few personal touches. Still it didn't feel like home. I missed my house. I missed lounging on my sofa watching TV. I missed cooking meals with my family or just hanging out in the family room with Dad and Rodney. I missed girl’s night with Daphne. I missed going to Mel and Lindz’s to see the Gus and Abe. I missed Brian. He was on my mind every day. I had finally put my relationship with Brian into perspective. I guess in part some of that was due to Harrison. I missed Harrison. I had asked him to give me a few months to get things settled. I knew he would be filming for about 4-6 months. By the time he came back I hoped I would have everything resolved. I knew one thing was certain…I wanted to share my life and my home with Harrison. I wanted to introduce him to Daddy and the rest of the family. I guess I was sorta bidding my time until I went back home. There were so many things that I had to do. I kept telling myself that everything was going to work out. I didn’t know if I really believed that or if it just wishful thinking on my part. I couldn't believe how much time had passed. I had to stop trying to wait for the perfect time. There would never be a perfect time. Maybe Heather, Harrison and Brian were right and I needed to tell my Dad about my illness. I shook off my thoughts and walked to the window to look out. It was a partly sunny day. I raked my fingers through my hair once again. As much as I knew the revelation that I was serious about a man would devastate Heather I couldn't change the way I felt. She had to be told. Heather had never felt threatened by the men I fucked and discarded. She knew they meant nothing to me. She had never really felt threatened by Brian. She'd known Brian was Gay and that my love for him would go nowhere because not only was he Gay but he was in love with another man. This was different. Harrison was straight, he cared about me, I cared about him and we were seriously talking about taking the time to get to know each other. In the months since he'd been gone Harrison called me every night. Heather had to notice that I disappeared in my office to talk on the telephone every night. Or maybe it wasn't suspicious to her. She probably thought I was talking to one of my family members. I let out a long sigh. It was something I was doing a lot lately. I hated being melodramatic but it seemed to be something else I was doing a lot of lately. I scrunched up my nose and turned away from the window. I flipped on the CD player and the strands of “Next Lifetime” floated from the surround sound. I curled up on the window seat and watched the rain splash against window. First time that I saw you boy It was a warm and sunny day All I know is I wanted you I really hoped you looked my way So warm and sweet I could not stay You make me feel like a little bitty girl What do you do to me I leaned my head back against the wall and listened to the lyrics of the song. Next Lifetime had become my favorite song. Harrison had asked me why I'd changed my mind. I told him that I didn't want to wait until next lifetime. That was only part of the truth. As I was pulling out of the parking space I remembered what that fortune teller had told me when I was twelve. She told me live every day as if it was my last. And if it was my last day the one thing I knew I wanted more than anything was to explore a relationship with Harrison. I hadn't been disappointed. Yesterday as we were talking Harrison had asked me where had I been all is life. My answer was simple. "Fucking around so when you did come into my life I would appreciate you." He’d liked my answer. I stroked the infinity knot. It was the gift Harrison and given me before he left. I never took it off. It was his promise to me. Infinity. I liked the sound of it. Thunder rumbled outside. I closed my eyes and pictured Harrison. I felt my lips lift in a smile as his image materialized. “What has you smiling?” Heather asked as she stepped in the room. “Just thinking about someone.” "That's a haunting little melody," she said. I could hear her voice draw close. I knew she was walking towards me. I opened my eyes. Heather was such a beautiful woman. She would have found as much work in front of the camera as she found behind it. She was tall, elegant and graceful. Today her silver blonde hair was pulled back in a French braid accentuating her classic features. Even in a simple silk gray shirt that brought out the silver in her eyes and plain pair of khakis she looked refined. She walked in and came to sit in the window seat with me. “I thought you would like to see these,” she said handing the pictures in her hand to me. I took the 8x10 glossies and looked at them. They were pictures Heather had taken the day after she had come back from New York. There was something different about me in the pictures. I looked radiant. If that was how I looked when I *liked* someone I wondered how I would look if I loved someone. “These are wonderful, Heather. You are an amazing photographer. Anyone that can make me look this good in my condition is absofuckinglutely brilliant.” She laughed softly, “It wasn’t me. The camera just captured what it saw. It’s you. I’ve always told you that. The camera loves you.” We were both silent for a while. I knew it was time to tell Heather about Harrison. I think she had already figured it out anyway. I leaned forward and brushed my lips against hers. I stayed in that position for a few seconds before leaning back. Before I could say anything she did. “You don’t have to tell me, I know,” she said solemnly. I was taken back for only a moment. “How?” I thought I had been so circumspect. “When I came back from New York you had changed. You were happy again. It was like you were back to your old self but more than that. You had this glow I haven’t seen since you first told me about Brian. Please tell me it’s not him, baby. There’s only pain for you with him.” My eyes watered with emotion. Even now knowing that there was someone else she was still thinking about me. “It’s not Brian. This time I found a guy that loves the equipment I’m working with,” I teased. She laughed at my attempt to lighten the moment. “Good. You deserve that baby. That’s all I ever wanted for you. I wished you could have found happiness with me…but as long as you are happy. That’s what’s important to me. I lifted my hand to cup her cheek, her hand covered mine. “I wished I could have given you the relationship that you wanted. I love you,” I said tearfully. “I just can’t love you the way you need to be loved.” “I know that. I’ve always known that. That’s what makes loosing you so hard.” We both sat there with tears streaming down our eyes. I pulled Heather in my arms and held her. We were like this for a long time. Finally, Heather pulled away from me. “So, where is this guy? When do I get to meet him?” "He's in Canada shooting a movie. He won't be back for several months." She was surprised, “He’s a movie star? I thought you hated entertainment types?” I’d fucked a few entertainment guys and their egos always seemed to be the biggest thing about them. I shrugged, “He’s not a movie star yet, but he’s getting there. And he’s different.“ "When are you going back to Pittsburgh?" She asked "It's up to you. As much as I love being her with you I'm ready to go home and I’m sure you are too. I miss Daddy. I miss Daphne. I miss the family. I want my life back to normal or as normal as it will ever get after this.” She squeezed my hand affectionately. “I know you do baby. I think it would be good for you to go home. To be around family, to get settled back in. I think we should wrap things up here and you can be home by next month." I no I had no right to ask but I couldn't help myself. "Will you stay with me? I mean if you can." "There's no where I'd rather be than with you. I'll stay for a month or so. Make sure you are handling everything. Besides, I need to talk to Brian about advertising my book." I gave her a smile of appreciation, "You won't regret it. He's a great Ad man." I wanted to say more but I just didn't know what to say to make things better so I remained silent. We both sat quietly. Thankfully it wasn't an awkward silent. Surprisingly it was rather peaceful. We had finally come to terms with our relationship. Heather squeezed my hand gently and stood up. “I have some things I need to work on. When you get ready come out and we can start dinner.” I watched as she walked out the room. I didn’t know what to say to her to make the pain less. It somehow made what I felt for Harrison a little bittersweet. My happiness was causing one of my best friends pain. Maybe if there were Next lifetimes everything would work out. Everyone would be happy. It wasn’t Next Lifetime. It was this lifetime and things weren’t perfect. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I looked out at the storm filled sky. The soulful crooning of Next lifetime’s melody blended with the patter of the rain against the window. I wondered if I had Next Lifetimes what I would do with them. What in my life would I change?