In theory, Justin knew about the backroom at Babylon, just like he knew about the Liberty Baths, and what exactly went-on in the basement of MeatHook. Justin had listened avidly to Brian’s stories when they had shared a room at the hospital. He’d heard the gossip when they shared breakfasts at the Diner. It was hard to spend any regular amount of time on Liberty Avenue and not pick-up that sort of thing. He hadn’t seen it, though. Whenever they’d gone to Babylon Justin might offer, but Brian always pulled him out of the club and they’d drive back to the loft to have sex. Justin knew it was a concession on Brian’s part, he was an exhibitionist at heart, but Brian knew Justin wasn’t comfortable with that sort of thing. Sometimes it was hard enough just to focus on Brian, and even though things had gotten better, every now and then dark shadows would creep through Justin’s mind. He wasn’t sure he understood the draw to fuck in public in a dark and grimy hallway, which made the fact that he was walking carefully through the backroom all the more curious to him. Justin couldn’t make himself turn around and leave, though; his curiosity kept drawing him in deeper. Groans echoed off the narrow walls, dim light lit body parts -- a smooth cheek, a hand pressed to the wall fingers spread wide, an eye, the back of a neck. Shoulder blades, hips in motion, and Justin’s eyes took it all in, ate-up the caresses of coloured light on glowing skin, the groans of dozens forming a discordant choir. Justin didn’t know why he’d ventured back there, didn’t know why he couldn’t turn around, but it was beautiful and made his skin hot just to be there, even as it made the hairs on the back of his neck prickle and make it seem as if the walls were closing in. “Did Alice get lost in Wonderland?” a voice asked, and Justin turned to see a tall man, so tall the light hit the base of his thick neck and left his face in darkness. “I can help you.” Justin raised his arms and pushed away from the wide chest and turned away, stumbled further into the forest of thrusting bodies. “Justin,” a familiar voice asked, and Justin was relieved at the familiarity. “Ben!” he greeted. “What are you doing back here?” Ben asked, taking Justin’s elbow and already turning to guide them out before Justin could answer. “Never mind, let’s go find Brian.” Justin resented that, as if he were a lost pet that needed to be returned. He jerked his arm away and walked out on his own. It wasn’t as if he’d been back there fucking. The light dawned and he looked sceptically at the taller man beside him. What had Ben been doing back there? He and David were in a serious, not to mention monogamous relationship. Brian was sitting with Michael and Emmett at the bar, and Justin waited a moment, wondering if Ben would mention where they’d come from, but he didn’t. “Let’s go,” Justin said, pressing a kiss to Brian’s neck. “But we’re celebrating,” Brian said, tongue-in cheek. “Michael’s wonderful success.” Justin knew better, instead of saying anything he nipped lightly on Brian’s earlobe then ghosted his lips downward, leaving a path of moist heated breath along Brian’s neck, feeling a faint shiver beneath his lips. “See ya, Boys,” Brian said, standing and wrapping an arm around Justin’s shoulders. They stumbled out into the cool night air, Brian fumbling for the keys as they kissed. “Liked what you saw?” Brian asked, his voice a mere whisper against the back of Justin’s neck. “What?” Justin asked, innocently. “The backroom,” Brian said. Justin tensed, wondering if Brian might start asking to fuck back there – as arousing as it had been, Justin wasn’t prepared to do that. “Shh,” Brian whispered. “Tell me what you saw.” They stumbled into the Jeep, reluctant to let each other go for too long, which resulted in Justin climbing in after Brian and directly onto his lap. They kissed, and Justin reclined the seat, pressing their cocks together and grinding his body down. “Bodies,” Justin whispered, his fingers working the buttons loose on Brian’s shirt. “The light highlighting their skin – a hand here, a back. The nape of a neck.” Brian smirked, how like Justin to focus on the artistic picture. He wondered if his blond lover had noticed the gang-bang going on in the corner with the man in a sling, or the three-way at the back of the hall. Brian wouldn’t be surprised if he hadn’t, it was enough that there had been light highlighting pieces of men, perfect pieces, and it hadn’t been the anonymous sex, or the positions or the activities of the men that had gotten Justin into this frenzy, it was the light. Brian could understand why Justin had fallen into such quick love with Brian’s loft – and the blue light above the bed. Brian’s hands were in Justin’s hair as Justin reached a hand back and fisted Brian’s cock – he’d liberated it from the jeans the brunette was wearing – and then a moment later, Justin was rolling a condom down Brian’s length. “Fuck,” Brian breathed. Justin settled himself on Brian’s cock, shifted his weight – testing -- and Brian gritted his teeth. Justin shifted a bit more, and Brian knew the blond was teasing him now, he growled and gripped Justin’s hips, forcibly raising him up, then lowering him back down his length. Justin’s mouth dropped open and his body bent forward, his forehead resting on Brian’s chest as their hips worked. They lay there for a while after they both came, regaining their breath, coming down from the orgasm. “We should go,” Justin said. Brian raised his eyebrows. “You have to fuck me in the shower,” Justin said, like it was a social engagement that had slipped Brian’s mind. “Ah,” Brian said. “Of course.” ……………………. Michael had been working there for three days and it didn’t feel any easier than his first day. The Big Q had been the only place to respond to his application, and Michael had been happy to have a job. When he’d been preparing to leave Liberty he’d known it would be all too simple to fallback into old habits and let his mother take care of him. She’d been doing it for ages, and it made things simpler. Debbie was a demanding woman who was only now making some progress with seeing her son as an adult. And even then, it was an upward battle. The first step, he knew, was getting a job. Kiki, a waitress at the Diner, had offered him a chance, but after a day testing it out, Michael decided it was too much too fast and he couldn’t keep-up. The Big Q seemed perfect. Except that he was sorting stock, and putting-up with his homophobic co-workers. Some of his co-workers made attempts to invite him out, to get to know him, but Michael couldn’t tell them that he was gay, they wouldn’t understand, and not being able to tell them left him feeling depressed, like a liar. Everyone assumed he was straight he hadn’t openly lied, but it was implied, because he let them believe. “Heh, look at those faggots,” Bill, one of the Big Q employees muttered to Tony. “The ladies section is that way,” he said, and snickered. Michael watched the two men pretend not to hear, used to hearing these sorts of whispers, it just rolled-off their backs. Michael wondered if it still hurt, and decided it must, it’s just they had more nerve than to sink to Bill’s level and make an issue of it. Michael wondered if what he was doing could be thought-of as the same thing. “Novotny, did you see those fucking faggots?” Bill said. “Yeah,” Michael said. “Makes me sick,” Bill said. “They’re customers, keep your voice down,” Lana said as she passed by the isle. “One of you help me with these boxes of baby-wipes.” Bill was off his feet, flirting shamelessly as they pushed the cart-full of boxed baby-wipes. Michael decided he wasn’t anything like the two men who’d walked past. He was a coward, and he was in hiding. ………………………… Justin pulled the Jeep to the curbside and laughed as he saw Emmett running out from the store he’d been in and waving his arms. “I’m sorry!” he shouted as he pulled open the passenger door, huffing dramatically as he tossed several bags onto the floor and settled himself in. “I was running late. I just couldn’t decide between the bright-blue net shirt and the mango T. I got both.” “It’s okay,” Justin dismissed. He’d picked-up the Jeep from Brian because this was one of his days to drive-out to Liberty for a session and also to work on the mural. Emmett had been more than happy to offer company, and they had plans to abduct Michael. They’d each been busy with work, and hadn’t had much chance to talk, but ever-since Michael had got his job, Emmett had been wanting to drop-in and surprise him. Their plan was to abduct him from work, since he should be finished his shift soon, and then they’d have a chance to talk while they drove out to Liberty, and also while Justin painted. “I’m so excited!” Emmett said, clapping his hands. “I can’t wait to see his face.” The Big Q wasn’t exactly a highbrow job. Michael wasn’t a manager or anything particularly special, and whatever discounts Michael got, it wasn’t like either Justin or Emmett would be eager to benefit from them; still, neither of them could have possibly been more happy for their friend, or more proud. Which made Michael’s reaction to their visit all the more upsetting. “What the fuck are you doing here?” Michael said in a furious whisper, enunciating his words like he did when he was particularly upset. “We came to visit you, Baby!” Emmett said. “Keep your voice down!” Michael said, made ‘shushing’ hand motions and pulled Emmett and Justin into a different isle. He was glancing around nervously. “Michael,” Justin said. “What’s wrong?” “What’s wrong is you barging in here, where I work and causing a scene,” Michael snapped. “We’re just saying ‘hello’,” Emmett said, frowning. “Well, could you say ‘goodbye’?” Justin glanced around, confused by Michael’s intense reaction. Things dawned slowly, and admittedly, made Justin feel a bit nauseated. “We didn’t mean to upset you. Come on, Emmett,” he said, grabbing Emmett’s arm and tugging him away. “What was his problem?” Emmett asked. Justin shook his head and they left hurriedly. On the drive back, Emmett had a lot to say. He wasn’t sure what offended him more, being treated that way by a friend, Michael hiding the way he was, or Michael attacking them like that because they weren’t afraid of who they were. “It wasn’t like this back at Liberty,” Emmett said. Justin agreed, but he thought that maybe, that was the whole point. ………………… Justin kicked and punched and dodged until his skin was shining and his breath was coming in short pants. He thought about silence. He thought of being so ready to be exactly who he was, ready to embrace it, express it. He thought about fists and hands. He thought about harsh words and dark tones. He thought about how a single sound, a single word could shatter worlds. He thought that maybe, even if he didn’t agree with Michael, he could at least understand him. ………………. “I’m not out at work,” Michael said, although it wasn’t a revelation. He scratched his arm and tugged at his jacket and tried to avoid Justin’s steady gaze. “It’s just … It’s not a place that I can …” “Okay,” Justin said, leaning against the fridge, tapping his opened water bottle against steel. “You’re not out at work.” Michael nodded while he inspected the surface of the counter. “You could have told us. You didn’t have to make us feel like shit when we were only trying to support you.” “I didn’t have a choice!” Justin snorted harshly. “You always have choices. So you’re out, or not at work. Whatever. That’s a choice. We’re your friends, Michael. Emmett and I are both gay and we choose not to hide that fact. If you have a problem with it, let us know.” “I don’t have a problem with it! I’m gay, too!” “If our choices are interfering with your, let us know. Don’t tear us down like we’re nothing. Like we’re idiots.” “I’m sorry,” Michael said, finally looking up to meet Justin’s gaze. “Okay,” Justin said. “Okay?” Michael asked. “Just like that?” Justin shrugged and quirked a smile. Slowly, Michael smiled back. ……………….. The television flickered, casting moving shadows around the darkened loft. Brian tossed his coat on the counter and glanced towards the sofa where he could distinctly see a familiar blond head. "Hey," Michael said, stepping down from the bedroom, presumably on his way back from the bathroom. "I was just on my way out." "Okay," Brian said, already dismissing the brunette as he headed towards the couch. Michael paused on the step watching with curious eyes as Brian picked-up the chips and popcorn that had been left on the table. For a moment, Michael considered offering to help clear things away, but there wasn't much and Brian had already cleared most of it. He wandered to the stool by the kitchen where he had left his coat and keys, and pulled his coat on slowly, watching as Brian smirked and tugged-off the sock that was hanging from Justin's foot, the other having already been lost. The smirk vanished, though, as Brian pushed back the blond hair. "Hm?" Justin said, still more asleep than awake. "Move to the bedroom," Brian said, his soft voice and the movement of his thumb across a pale cheekbone belying the harshness of his words. Michael paused, waiting as Justin made his way clumsily up the steps and disappeared into the darkness, Brian not far behind. He could make-out their shadows, once the blue light had been turned on, as Brian stripped the smaller man, Justin lying on the bed, already fast asleep. Michael was building his life, that’s what he kept telling himself. That he was building his life and getting himself in order, but increasingly it felt as if maybe he was building on the wrong foundations. Before he’d left the hospital, as his conviction in his decision to leave only increased, Justin had said that Liberty was predictable, routines that were so easy to fall into, and there was a certain amount of comfort to be taken in that. Michael had been told that he was ready to leave Liberty, but now he had to question how ready he really was. He’d thought about embracing change and being independent. How much of that was hanging on to the familiar? How could you find yourself when the better part of your day was spent keeping yourself hidden? End chapter 19: