Karma should not be confused with fate. Fate is the notion that man’s life is preplanned for him by some external power, and he has no control over his destiny. Karma on the other hand, can be changed. Because man is a conscious being he can be aware of his Karma and thus strive to change the course of events. In the Dhammapada are the following words. “All that we are is a result of what we have thought; it is founded on our thoughts and made up of our thoughts.” What we are, then, is entirely dependent on what we think. Therefore, the nobility of man’s character is dependent on his ‘good’ thoughts, actions and words. At the same time, if he embraces degrading thoughts, those thoughts invariably influence him into negative words and actions. Chapter 28 Daphne lay in the hospital bed, listening to the machines hooked up to her. The fetal monitor was making its normal blip-blip noises, the little light bobbing up and down, reassuring her that her daughters were alive and their heartbeats continued in a regular, healthy rhythm. The blood pressure cuff on her left arm automatically checked her numbers, ready to sound the alarm if they went too high or too low. Her contractions had eased-up to a dull cramp; the amniotic fluid no longer leaking out of her. The Fenoterol was usually effective in halting premature labor and everything seemed to have slowed down as soon as they had inserted the IV and the medicine began to work. Now, it was a question of waiting to see if they had gotten lucky. Could they push back the inevitable or would they have no choice but to go forward with the delivery? A delivery that was five weeks too soon. Elizabeth Russo removed the stethoscope from her ears and hung it around her neck. She had just finished listening to Daphne’s heartbeat as well as that of the babies. “I think we’re good for now, Daphne. Everything seems to have stabilized and we may have bought ourselves a little bit more time.” “Thank God,” Daphne said, leaning back on the pillow and closing her eyes. “Do you know how much time we’ve bought?” she asked. “I don’t know,” Dr. Russo replied honestly. “I do know that you are not leaving this hospital.” “You’re not serious, are you?” “I’m afraid so. I want you right here, hooked up to monitors and not moving from this bed. You can only get up to go to the bathroom, and if that starts anything you’ll have to settle for a bed pan.” “Oh my God, this is insane!” Daphne said, sitting up and staring at her friend in surprise. “I can stay in bed at home, Lizzy, I promise I’ll be good and not move around,” Daphne pleaded. “Sorry Daphe. I can’t risk it. All we’re doing is buying a day at a time. The longer we keep the girls in you, the better their chances are. The fact that you started leaking fluids and had mild contractions is an indication that it wouldn’t take much to set things in motion again and I want you right here, where we can rush you into the operating room and do a C-section at a moments notice. It’s critical that we move with lightning speed when that happens, Daphne, you know that.” “I know, I know, Lizzy. I’m just in denial, I guess. Everything has been going so smoothly, I didn’t expect this.” “Well I did, Daphe. It’s all part of having multiple births. Complications occur all the time; you’ve been lucky so far and I want to keep it that way.” “Do you want me to tell Alex or will you do it?” Dr. Russo asked. “You can tell him, and Justin too. I’m surprised he didn’t faint at the house when he saw the water on the floor,” Daphne said. “I’ll bet. He was actually very calm and controlled when he called me. I’m quite proud of him and the way he acted; he’s surprisingly good to have around in a crisis,” Dr. Russo stated. “He is,” Daphne said, grateful that Justin had been with her and had taken complete charge of the situation. Dr. Russo left the room and made her way out to the little lounge where Alex, Justin and Brian were waiting. They all stood up when she walked in the room. “Well?” Alex asked. “I think we’ll be fine, Alex. She’s stable and the babies have settled down.” “Thank God,” all three men said in unison. “Her contractions have stopped, but she’s not going anywhere. I want her here, where we can keep an eye on everything, okay?” “Fine with me,” Alex said. “How’s she taking that pronouncement?” “What do you think?” Lizzy asked him, raising an eyebrow and looking over her glasses with a small smirk on her face. Alex shook his head and sighed. “Well, that’s too bad,” Justin said, finally speaking up. “She’s just going to have to deal with it and stay here, whether she likes it or not.” “You go tell her Justin. And make sure she doesn’t try and start walking around the room. I want complete bed rest; only bathroom privileges and nothing else. Do you guys understand?” Dr. Russo said emphatically. “Yes, don’t worry Lizzy. If we have to tie her to the bed we will. She’s not going anywhere,” Alex said seriously. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thirteen days had gone by. They were the most excruciatingly boring days of Daphne’s life; listening to every blip and ping and woosh of machinery, hooked up to a body that no longer felt like hers. She was poked at and prodded all day long. People came and went, strangers who thought nothing of walking in and shoving their hands up her vagina to check on things. Blood was drawn almost everyday, miniscule amounts to check her blood sugar levels. She was starting to feel more like a pin-cushion than a human. Everyday that went by was another victory, another day gained for the babies to grow and thrive and develop to the point where they would survive outside the womb. Daphne thought she would go mad with the inactivity and if it hadn’t been for the constant presence of Justin and Alex she probably would have. Alex spent most nights on the cot they had set up for him by her bedside. However, during the day, he had a practice to attend to and so she only saw him in bits and pieces, whenever he could sneak away. The good news of course was that he was in the building the whole time and within reach should something go wrong. He just couldn’t spend all day entertaining her. Justin on the other hand was readily available and he was amazingly patient and kind and brought her every DVD, magazine and book he could to help alleviate her boredom. They had made a game of going over the girls astrological charts, trying to figure out whether they would hold on long enough to be born Gemini’s or would be Taurus’ if they came sooner. They went over all the finer points of each sign, talking about artistic temperaments and dealing with the Gemini’s dual personality. Neither one of them truly believed in any of it, but it passed the time and kept Daphne from ripping out all the tubes and running up and down the hallways. Alex’s parents had flown in from New York and were staying at the condo, waiting for the arrival of their first grandchildren. Alex had decided not to go into any details of the children’s conception because he felt it would turn into a full scale drama and he really didn’t feel that it was anybody’s business but his and Daphne’s. So far, there were only a handful of people who knew all the circumstances surrounding this pregnancy. Daphne’s mother was one of them. She had received the news with surprising calm, and the truth of the matter was that regardless who the father was, Daphne was her daughter, so the point was moot as far as she was concerned. These were her grandchildren, period. Eventually, it would all be brought out into the open, however, now was not the time. Alex wanted the focus to remain on Daphne and the twins, not clouding it with any moral questions or issues that really had no bearing on any lives except the people who were immediately involved, in other words, Daphne, Justin, Brian and himself. If all four of them were fine with it, then everyone else would follow suit. Today was starting out as another boring day for Daphne. It was the second of June and from the look of the sunlight pouring into her room it was going to be a scorcher. Summer had come early this year and Daphne couldn’t wait for the day when she would be able to sit on her patio and enjoy some rays with her two little ones sleeping happily beside her. Justin arrived at his usual time, bringing a bunch of flowers and some new DVD’s that they were going to watch. He also brought her a bag of trail mix, the good kind with the luscious chunks of fruit and a sprinkling of M & M’s and big cashews and almonds, so they could munch while they watched TV. “Hey,” Justin said as he walked in and gave her a peck on the cheek. “How’s it going?” “Good,” she replied. “Other than the fact that your daughters are doing the Conga in here,” she said pointing to her enormous belly. “Did you have a bad night?” he asked. “No, they just seem to be more active than usual. It’s probably because they are as bored as I am, and they’re outgrowing their little house,” she said, with a small grin on her face. “What’s in the bag?” she asked, taking it from Justin’s hand and peering in. “Oh, yum, thanks Justin,” she said, throwing a chunk of pineapple in her mouth with an M & M chaser.” “You’re welcome, Daphne. Try not to eat it all today, okay? I know you’re bored but if you gain anymore weight we’ll be able to start selling tickets.” “Oh shut up Justin. What else is there to do around here? My pleasures are few and far in between. Right now, eating is the only thing that I can still enjoy.” “We’re going to have to talk about your plan of attack for losing all this weight when the girls finally arrive,” he said. “You don’t want to end up so out of shape that you won’t be able to keep up with your children, not to mention your hot husband,” he said pointedly. “We don’t want Alex to start looking at other women now, do we?” “You know, if you are trying to motivate me, you’re not. I have every intention of losing weight after this is over. I’m sure I will, Justin. I have good genes, my mother doesn’t have an ounce of fat on her and I know my physical make-up is just like hers. So, shut the fuck up and get off my case. Oh, and by the way,” she added. “Alex knows better than to even think about other women. He knows I’ll kill him,” she said, smiling sweetly and throwing more fruit in her mouth. Justin laughed at that last comment and he went over to the DVD player and threw one in. He moved back over to Daphne and pulled up a chair, toed off his sneakers, sat down and put his legs up on the bed, using it as a foot rest. “Hey,” Daphne said, “Don’t get too comfortable. I need to get up and pee.” “Okay,” he said. He stood up and moved over to the other side so that he could help her get up and lumber over to the bathroom. She looked huge when she was lying in the bed but when she stood up her size was even more daunting. Justin couldn’t even begin to imagine what it must have felt like. “God, Daphe, you look like Jabba-the-hut. How big do you think the babies are at this point?” “Who knows,” she said, irritated by his question. She knew she looked like a carnival side show but she didn’t give a shit. Right now all she wanted to do was get to the bathroom and pee. She sat on the toilet, keeping the door slightly ajar so that Justin could get in if need be. She had completely lost all semblance of modesty since this whole ordeal had begun. She had never in all her life had so many people looking at or having their hands up her vagina and it had become such a regular occurrence the word ‘privacy’ meant nothing anymore. She finally finished and grabbed the bar on the wall to help herself up. Every time she stood up suddenly she got a little dizzy because her body just wasn’t used to being upright. She paused for a few minutes, trying to ride out this wave of dizziness when suddenly she doubled over with a cramp severe enough to make her cry out. “Hey,” Justin said. “Is everything okay in there?” Daphne held her breath, hoping the spasm would pass, however it only intensified and she knew it was game over as soon as she felt hot liquid running down her leg. “Justin,” she called. “Get over here.” Justin moved the door open and stared at Daphne who was hunched over, grabbing hold of the side bar and pointing at her legs. He saw the trail of bloody water that was running down them, falling in little plops on the floor. “Shit! Don’t move,” he said. “I’m going to go get help.” Within minutes, the room looked like Grand Central. Fortunately Dr. Russo had been on the maternity floor making her rounds so Daphne’s timing couldn’t have been more perfect. She stood there rattling off orders to everyone, moving Daphne over to the bed to sit until they could bring in the gurney that was going to take her to the operating room. They had decided long ago that a C-section would be the safest way to do her delivery. It would cause less stress on the twins even though the mother would have a more difficult recovery time. “Lizzy,” Daphne said, trying to regain some of her composure when in fact she was terrified now that this was actually going to happen. “Are they ready yet? Isn’t this too soon?” “Daphne, the girls are going to be fine. You’re three weeks shy of being full-term. They will be just fine. Now you need to take some deep breathes and stay calm, okay? I’ve already had Alex paged so he should be here shortly.” “Is there anything I can do?” Justin asked, feeling absolutely useless standing there in his stocking feet. “Go to the condo and pick up Alex’s parents, Justin,” Daphne said. “I don’t want him leaving to do that. I want him in the operating room with me.” “Sure,” he said. “I’ll have Alex call them and let them know I’m on the way.” He moved over to grab his shoes and quickly put them on. He made his way out the door and almost collided with a harassed-looking Alex who burst into the room. “What’s up? Someone paged me.” “Your children are about to make an appearance,” Dr. Russo answered, never taking her eyes off her patient who was holding on to her hand for reassurance. “Is there an operating room available,” Alex asked, all business suddenly. “Yes. They’re setting up right now and getting the pediatric team together. It shouldn’t take more than thirty minutes and then we’re good to go.” Daphne continued to sit on the bed, grimacing occasionally when a contraction swept through her, squeezing Dr. Russo’s hand. Alex moved over to her side and embraced her, whispering in her ear, telling her he loved her and that everything would be okay. She nodded, grateful that he was able to be with her and not stuck in the middle of one of his marathon surgeries. “Justin’s offered to go get your parent’s Alex. Why don’t you call them and tell them he’s coming?” Daphne said. “Thanks for doing that, Justin,” Alex said, reaching for his cell phone and hitting the speed dial for home. “No problem,” Justin replied. “Mama,” Alex said, when his mother answered. He started speaking in Russian, explaining the situation and letting her know Justin would be there in about twenty minutes to bring her and his father back to the hospital. He ended the call and put his phone away; telling Justin it was all set. Justin moved over to Daphne and kissed her on the cheek wishing her luck and telling her he’d be back very shortly. He walked out of the room even as they were wheeling in the gurney to take Daphne down to the operating room. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ They were all in the waiting room, anxious to hear more news. Brian had just arrived and sat beside Justin, talking into his cell phone, leaving instructions for Ted and Cynthia so they would know what was going on. Justin thumbed through a beaten up magazine that someone had left, looking at pictures that just appeared blurry and meaningless right now. His thoughts were with Daphne and Alex, in the operating room, hoping that all would go well. Daphne’s parents had arrived and were seated with Alex’s parents. No one seemed to be in the mood for any conversation, they were too worried about Daphne and the babies to make any kind of small talk. Finally, a tired but exhilarated Alex walked into the waiting room. “It’s over and everyone is fine,” he said, pulling off his surgical hat and mask and throwing them both in the corner waste basket. “The babies are beautiful and healthy, Daphne is beautiful. Everyone is fine,” Alex said, smiling, as everyone crowded around him. “How big are they?” Mrs. Chanders asked. “Justine weighed in at five and a half ounces and Alexandra was an even five. They’re both eighteen inches long and are absolutely gorgeous, like their mother,” he said proudly. “Can we see them?” Brian asked. “Yes, of course. They’re cleaning them up and then they’ll be taken to the nursery. We should be able to see them in a few minutes. Come on, it’s just down the hall and to the left,” he said, grabbing hold of his mother’s hand. She started asking him questions in Russian and Alex answered patiently as the little group made their way down to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. “Why are they in intensive care, Alex? Is something wrong with them?” Justin asked, trailing behind the group. “No, they’ve put them in there as a precaution. They are technically considered premature, even though their birth weights are good and they seem to be breathing fine and outwardly have no signs of physical stress. I think they will be transferred to the regular nursery after twenty four hours.” “Oh, okay,” Justin answered. The group arrived in front of the big glass window with the words NICU written on it. Inside, it looked like a regular nursery except there were several babies in incubators hooked up to intravenous lines and monitors of all sorts blinking and making little noises. The nurses looked up when Alex tapped gently on the glass. They smiled when they saw him and they wheeled two cribs towards the window so everyone could have a better look at the twins. The little group surged forward, pressing on the glass, looking at the infants that lay in their beds, swathed in pink blankets, sleeping peacefully. From the little that could be seen, they appeared to be fair skinned, with a fuzzy layer of light brown hair. The two nurses picked up each child and brought them closer to the window, so that they could all have a better look. The infant on the left, Justine, seemed the more responsive of the two. She was wiggling and moving her head around, turning left and right, while Alexandra continued to lay peacefully in the nurses arms. “They look exactly alike,” Brian asked. “How do you know who is who?” “Well for one thing, they have bracelets on them with their names. That is basically how we’ll be able to tell them apart until they get bigger and start showing some differences. Also their birth weights are different. Justine is the bigger of the two,” Alex stated. “Such big names for such little girls,” Alex’s father said, as he looked at his granddaughters with a smile on his face. “I think they are beautiful,” Daphne’s mother said quietly, tears running down her face. “When can we hold them, Alex?” “As soon as they let them out of here, I suppose. Daphne’s planning on breast feeding so they will be bringing them into her room in a few hours. If we time it right you can be in there to help.” “How do you breast feed two kids at a time?” Justin asked, frowning. “You don’t,” Alex said. “They are fed one at a time, like any other baby. Each one will have a turn.” “Oh,” he said, “I wondered how that would work.” “Are they identical twins?” Brian asked. “No,” Alex replied. “They are fraternal.” “What’s the difference?” Daphne’s father asked. “It means that two eggs were fertilized during ovulation and they were implanted at the same time, rather than one egg dividing into two separate embryos. It’s more common, and even though they look very much alike right now, they will be different as they get older. We will be able to tell them apart,” he said looking at the babies with a smile on his face. “Well, thank goodness for that. I’ve heard of all kinds of stories about twins and how they play tricks on parents and teachers when they look so much alike. I don’t think I’d want to deal with that,” Daphne’s mother said. Brian had been watching Justin the whole time this was playing out. He was unusually quiet and withdrawn, almost detached from the whole scene around him. Even now, when they were all crowded around the window, Justin stood off to the side, not really looking at the babies. The only interest he had shown so far was asking the question about breast feeding. He moved over to him and whispered in his ear. “Come look at your daughters, they’re beautiful.” “No, Brian. I’ll see them another time, when I can look at them closer. Right now I want to go home and take a shower and go to bed. I’m exhausted,” he said, speaking in a soft voice, completely devoid of emotion. Brian was surprised but didn’t insist. He went over to Alex and shook his hand, congratulating him again, and told him that he and Justin would be leaving. “Justin,” Alex said. “Don’t you want to see Daphne before you go?” “No Alex, its fine. Tell her I’m happy for her and I’ll see her tomorrow, when she’s not so tired. I need to go,” he replied, turning away before he was done talking and walking down the hallway. Alex turned to Brian with a puzzled look on his face. Brian shrugged his shoulders and muttered, “Hell if I know.” In the parking lot Brian asked Justin if he wanted to just leave his car and they could ride home together. He could drop him off tomorrow on his way to work so he wouldn’t be stuck at home all day without a ride. Justin didn’t argue, he just nodded and got into the Lamborghini and sat down, putting on his seat belt as Brian started the engine and made his way out of the parking complex. Justin was silent all the way home, not even acknowledging Brian’s advances when he placed his hand on his leg and moved it up and down, massaging slowly. He was lost in whatever thoughts were troubling him and Brian was getting extremely anxious seeing him like this. He had expected a jubilant and extremely proud father. What he was seeing was the exact opposite. Justin was acting cold and remote, completely uninterested in seeing or holding his daughters. “Hey,” he said, hoping to get Justin’s attention. They had just pulled into the driveway at Britin and were getting ready to get out of the car. Justin ignored him, lost in his thoughts. He undid his seat belt and was getting ready to get out when Brian grabbed him and said, “Justin, look at me.” Justin looked at Brian as if he was a complete stranger. There was no reaction on his face whatsoever. Brian felt like he was looking at a statue. “Sunshine,” Brian said gently, holding on to Justin’s arm, “Talk to me. What’s wrong?” “Nothing, Brian,” Justin answered, finally showing some emotion. He was annoyed and impatient and wanted to get out of the car. He pulled his arm free, opened the door and stalked into the house, slamming the front door behind him. Brian sat in the car, staring at the front door. He was completely dumbfounded; at a loss for words and getting more and more nervous by the minute. He got out of the car and went into the house. He threw his keys on the hall table and they landed on the silver platter with a thunk. He made his way into the kitchen and automatically went to see if there were any messages on the house phone. He saw the light blinking so he hit Play. “Brian, hi, it’s Lindsay. I just wanted you to know that Gus’ plane will be landing at ten thirty tomorrow. I left a message on your cell but I thought I’d leave another on the house phone, just in case. Call me when you get this.” Fuck! He had completely forgotten that Gus was arriving tomorrow to start his summer vacation with them. He had agreed to let Austin come with him this time, just to avoid anymore boredom issues and also because he liked the kid, and he knew he’d be lost without Gus for three months. So he’d said yes; to have him come and stay for the summer. Hopefully there would be no repeats of last summer’s fiascos. He’d already signed them up for different classes at the health club, now that Gus could drive and he didn’t have to worry about ferrying him and Austin back and forth. The challenge of course would be monitoring their actions while they were home alone. Fortunately, the new cook, Jerry, was every bit as tough as Max had said and he wouldn’t put up with any shit while he was on duty. That eliminated one problem right there. Brian had also hired someone to come out twice a week to help the boys with preparing for their SAT’s. He wanted to make sure that Gus scored well so that his choices of colleges would be better. He wasn’t sure if all his activities at school really allowed him the time to study and prepare as Brian would like. Not to mention the fact that he would be applying to all US colleges, not Canadian. He wanted to make sure Gus had every advantage by the time it came to selecting schools. He picked up the phone and punched in Lindsay’s numbers. “Linds,” he said, as soon as he heard her answer. “Brian, where have you been? I left you a few messages.” “We were at the hospital. Daphne had the twins.” “Oh my God! That’s so exciting. Is everyone okay? Who do they look like?” “Fine, everyone is just peachy,” he said. “It’s too early to tell who they look like. Right now they look like each other.” “What’s wrong Brian?” Lindsay asked, knowing that tone of voice too well. “Everyone is fine except for the father. He’s P-M-S’ing and I have no idea what his fucking problem is.” “What’s wrong with Alex?” Lindsay asked. “I didn’t mean Alex, Linds. I meant the biological father, my fucking partner who is acting stranger than strange!” “Have you tried talking to him,” Lindsay asked. “Duh.” “Maybe he’s just overwhelmed Brian. You weren’t exactly normal the night Gus was born. If I remember correctly you went out and got totally high on E and fucked a seventeen year old.” “Well, I’d settle for some E and some fucking right now. That sounds real good, as a matter of fact.” “Give him some time,” Lindsay counseled. “He’s probably getting used to the whole idea. It’s hard enough to accept being a parent of one the first time around, imagine what it must feel like to have two in one fell swoop. Remember how terrified you and I were?” “Yeah,” Brian grinned, remembering that night. He had asked Lindsay if they could give Gus back. He was definitely overwhelmed. “You know what Linds, you’re right. I’m just freaking for no reason. I’ll give him some space and some time. He’ll be back to his old self by the end of the day,” Brian said, trying to convince himself. “Would you like me to talk to him?” Lindsay asked. “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea right now,” Brian said. “Okay then, but call me if you change your mind. I’ll be happy to talk to him,” Lindsay said. “Thanks Linds. So, what time are the boys getting in?” Brian asked, getting down to their other important piece of business. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The next day, Brian dropped Justin off at the hospital on his way to work. They had not spoken at all in the car, which was really just a carry-over from the night before. Justin had locked himself in his studio and never came out, even when Brian banged on the door repeatedly to tell him dinner was ready. The only time he saw any kind of response was when he told him that Gus and Austin were flying in today and that he would pick them up at the airport. “Do you want me to come with you?” Justin had asked, in the same monotone he used yesterday. “No, it’s fine. I’ll have a limo take me, that way I don’t have to fuck with parking. We’ll see you at home, around four o’clock.” “Okay,” Justin answered, removing his seat belt and getting ready to get out of the car. Brian stopped him and looked at the blue eyes that were staring right through him. “Justin…please; tell me what’s going on? You are making me nervous as hell.” Justin looked at him and didn’t say a word. He shook his head and opened the door. “Hey,” Brian said, starting to get pissed. “I just asked you a question.” Justin stuck his head in the open window and spat out, “And I just answered it. Nothing is wrong, Brian. Everything is fucking great!” TBC