I want to thank my wonderful BETA shire, sweet pea your the best, love. Before you read this please be aware that there is extreme situations involving suicide, and it is extremely explicite. Now I promise everything will be fine one way or another.
Brian's POV: "NO.....NO I don't fucking understand! It's been two fucking months that he's been missing. Now I have paid you a hell of a lot of money.......more than what you were asking for to make sure that you found him as soon as possible. So now I want you to stop making excuses and find him.!!!" ....Crash!!! "Well there goes another fucking phone. "Damn it!!!" I can't believe these fucking worthless private detectives. They can't even find one fucking person.... they've been looking for two months. "TWO FUCKING MONTHS!" I can't believe how well Justin has managed to cover his tracks. It's fucking amazing. I have hired a whole fucking agency to find him and still there is nothing. "NOTHING!" He hasn't called anyone. Not his mom, Daphne, Deb, the munchers, fucking no one. He cancelled his bank account, his phone and he never had a credit card so we couldn't even follow that lead. It's like he fell off the face of the earth. We have looked everywhere New York was our first stop. There was no trace of him. Then Chicago, still no trace. Same thing in California and pretty much every other state in the U.S. I'm at the end of my rope here and I don't know where else to look or how to keep looking. He hasn't left any trace, no clues. He hasn't even used his medical insurance cards. Which isn't good because he was scheduled for an MRI three weeks ago for a check up from the bashing. These are extremely important and he missed it. He also hasn't gotten any refills on his medication, and I know he's run out of most of his pills by now. But he hasn't used his prescription cards. Nor have his doctors gotten any calls for confirmation. They have also checked every hospital in the U.S. and sent off his picture to them as well "just in case," they say. I know they're right because I worry about it, about something happening to him every second of the day. I barely sleep anymore I spend most of my time pacing my loft, remembering everything that we've been through and all the good times we've had. I go to work, I see Gus about three times a week and every time I do he asks me where's ‘his Jusin’? I just tell him that ‘his Jusin’ had to take a trip but he will be back as soon as he can and that he loves and misses him. It hurts to have to see his face when I tell him he's not around. I do try and make it to the diner for our morning breakfasts, but sometimes it's just a little to hard to go in there knowing he won’t be in there. Not to mention the fact of trying to pull myself together every morning. It seems to get harder every day. But I am trying. But everywhere I go I think I see him, every blonde head I see, I follow. Every time the phone rings I jump for it. About a month ago I did have a hang up call to the loft while I was at work. So from then on I had all my calls forwarded to my cell when I went anywhere. One day I got a call during a meeting in the middle of the afternoon. I jumped and grabbed it out of my pocket and checked the display. It was an unknown number, I knew it was him, just knew it. "JUSTIN! Baby please is that you?" but that was all I got to say. He hung up before I had even finished the sentence. I almost lost the Liberty Air account with that little episode, but I really don't care I had to try. I have to and I’ll do whatever it takes. After that day though there were no more hang up calls. I haven't been to Babylon since that fateful night and I don't have any plans to go back until I can walk in and dance with my baby. Since all this happened it's like this veil has been lifted off my eyes. I don't have to keep on doing what other people expect of me. I don't have to keep putting on the fuck everything that moves show. I have also found out that I really don't care what other people think. There has been plenty of talk about how I'm dick whipped and so on. But I just ignored them and they stopped. Everyone on liberty knows Justin, knows the story of US. So everyone has actually been really helpful. Some have made out flyers if you'd believe that and if someone is going on a trip to some other city I have had them come to my door and offer to put some up in said city. A lot of people would just come and ask if we'd heard anything or to tell me how much they missed him. It's been quite an eye opening experience. Now here's something that is going to shock you to no end. I Brian Kinney have not had a trick since I fucked Rage at the launch party. I have been tempted yes, but I haven't accepted any offers and I haven't been looking for any. I have a lot more willpower than I have ever let anyone see including myself. Since he's been gone I have tried to get myself together for him. Be a man he can trust and depend on, someone who is worthy of his love. I finally figured out that with him in my life, he's all I need. He fulfills all my desires, sexually and intellectually. He loves me with everything he's got and I'm going to give him that back because I want to, not because I feel obligated. That was a problem in the past. Our family always got into our business so I always felt like I was being pushed into some sort of commitment. I never got the time and quietness to realize that that's what I wanted for myself as well. To be fully committed to him in every way. Now that I have had the realization for myself, I won’t deny it any longer......I just wish he was with me now so I could tell him all this. The family..... well the family isn't taking it very well. Of course they're not. Deb calls me three times a day to find out if I have heard from her Sunshine and I wish she'd stop but I know how she feels. I hate having to tell her three times a day that I haven't heard one damn thing from him. It breaks both our hearts. Then I have to do it all over again with Jennifer at the end of the day. We've come to a sort of understanding since Justin left. We talk every night and fill each other in on whatever has been going on or what has been found out or if anything has changed. We also have an agreement to call each other if Justin calls or tries to contact either of us. I know that her and Deb have been leaning on each other which is great, they need that motherly support especially now. But Daph, poor little Daph. These two have been best friends since they were three. She misses him so much. We try to talk at least once a day. We have been supporting each other to get us through this. I know that without her I would've crawled on my couch under my duvet and stayed there. She has helped me keep some semblance of sanity. When we talk she cries a lot of the time but I try and calm her down, I think I do a pretty good job. She always says she feels better after she talks to me so I take that as a good sign. As for Mikey and me, well we are starting to talk again. After we had our argument in the loft he really took a good look at his life. The thing that really showed me he was trying to change his life and move on from his crush on me was that he didn't come to me and try and work out our problems. He went to Ben and worked on fixing their relationship first. He got his head on straight and I really believe he's realized all the things he's done and said were just not his place, it was nothing but jealousy and hate actually. We have talked and he has told me that he's sorry and that he will wait till Justin gets back to start anything on the comic. He says that he really wants to try and build a true friendship with him first before taking on the comic again. I think that's a perfect idea. I think it's probably the only way to go. He knows he's got major apologies to make to Justin and he finally sees that and is willing and wanting to fix things between them. It makes me extremely happy that he's finally gotten things straightened out in his head. I really would've hated to lose my best friend forever. Sixteen years of friendship is a hard thing to lose. We're still not all the way back to where we were, but I doubt that will ever come back. That was just too much and it wasn't fair to anyone involved. I have to blame myself for some of it because I did string him along and keep him enthralled. But that needed to stop, it was so wrong of me. I knew I would never give him what he wanted, I knew we could never have a relationship and I knew I would NEVER feel that way about him. But I was just too pig headed to see what it was doing to everyone. I was just scared that I would lose him if he didn't have that hope of more. But when he finally went too far I had to take that chance. I'm glad it seems to have worked out for the better so far. I just hope it is the real thing. But I won’t know that for sure until Justin is home with me, back in my arms where he belongs. Please, please let them find him soon. "I need him back in my arms." ****************************************************************************** Justin's POV: "Fucking shit.......it's all shit.......every single.....one ....of these fucking ........damn paintings." I can't believe how incredibly fucked every single one of these paintings are. Why am I so surprised, my whole entire life is fucked. I can feel the tears streaming down my face now as I throw the last painting in the dumpster. There must be at least 30 in there. I haven't been able to sleep since I left Pittsburgh, so I've been painting night and day. When I can't stand the sight of my absolute lack of talent anymore I turn and go back into my building. I take the stairs up to the fifth floor, down the hall to the last door on the right. I lock myself into my apartment and go to curl up into a ball on my couch. I'm so tired but I can never sleep, and when I do sleep it's never for more than an hour at a time. Too many nightmares, too many thoughts. My mind never seems to turn off. I'm miserable; I have headaches twenty-four hours a day now. Everything that I paint, sketch or draw on the computer is all for shit. I miss Brian. I worry about him constantly, I feel this pain in my chest non- stop, it's the clenching of my heart. Do you know what it feels like to have your whole body constantly in knots? Well I do. It's non-stop agony. I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand being alone anymore; I can't stand knowing that Brian doesn't love me, that everyone I ever cared about probably hates me by now. I haven't been able to call my mom or Daphne yet. I just don't have the fight in me to do it. I just can't face them. Not being the way I am. I am totally and completely fucked. There's just too much pain and it's not getting any better, it's just getting worse. Every day seems to close in on me and the nights seem to be so long. I just don't want to feel this pain anymore. I don't want to have the pain in my head, which is like a constant vice grip squeezing and squeezing until it's all there is. Till I'm on the floor crying out in pain. I don't want to have any more anxiety attacks where it feels like the whole world is closing in on you and you can't breathe. You have cold sweats and you just want to back into a corner and hide from the world cause your head is in some fucked up place that has you all turned around and you can't think straight. I've had enough now. I just don't want to do it anymore. I can't do it any more it's just too hard to keep fighting and never getting anywhere. To be in constant pain, to know that everything you know and love is gone. To know that the man you love more than anything in this world doesn't love you, doesn't want you anywhere near his life, never wants to see you again. God I thought I was strong enough to do this for him. I thought I could live through it. But I was wrong. I've tried, really I have but I just can't do it anymore. It hurts too much and it's just getting worse. I can't live like this. There is this one thought that has been going through my mind. It just keeps on going round and round. It never stops and it never leaves, it's always there. Suicide. Everyday I have had to make the decision to either live or just die. I've always chosen to live. But today.....today is different. Today every time the question has passed through my mind the answer has always been 'I can't do this anymore.' So I think that I am ready to let myself have some peace. I don't want anymore pain and I know the only way to stop it is too just let everything go and just kill myself...... I had actually thought of writing letters to my mom and Daphne at least but then I thought otherwise. I mean how do you tell the people you love that you just couldn't live anymore? Then there is the fact that nobody knows where I am. Nobody here knows how to contact anyone I know. So they never have to know what a failure I am. They don't have to know that I wasn't strong enough. Plus I don't want Brian to know. I know how he is; he will blame himself for this when in fact it is not his fault by any means. It's not his fault I fell in love with him. It's not his fault that he couldn't love me back. It's all me. I'm the one who can't handle my life. I'm the one who ruined it. You can't blame someone else for the way you live your life. You're the one who makes all the decisions and you're the one who has to live with the consequences. But unfortunately I can't live with the consequences anymore. So I decided to just let them do what they will with me. But to make sure they don't pry into my family and try to find anything out about me......I get up and go to the counter and grab the last new sketch book I have and the pencil beside it and sit down at the table. 'To whom it may concern, I have no family, I have no friends. Sorry to put this responsibility on whoever found me. Sincerely, Justin Taylor ' Well that should do it. Now I just have to do the actual act. I was going to overdose on the pills I had until I ran out of them about a month ago. So now I have to slit my wrists. I really didn't want to do it this way. But you know it's probably better because there is just no guarantee with pills. You could end up throwing them up or you might not take enough. This will guarantee success. And what can I say, I only wanna have to do this once. I look around this dark apartment, it's the middle of the afternoon but the only light is the small lamp by the couch. Since my headaches started to get worse, I couldn't stand the light. It was too much on my eyes and made my headaches even more unbearable. I had to tape up cardboard over the widows and I got black curtains to block out the remainder of the bright sun. My eyes finally settle on the phone that's on the end table by the couch. I really want to hear Brian's voice before I do this. I remember about a month ago I called the loft, I didn't leave a message or anything I just wanted to hear his voice. I needed to. Then a couple of days later the urge got to be too much and I had to hear his voice again. I waited till I knew he'd be at work.....but to my surprise he answered yelling "JUSTIN." into the phone. I quickly hung up. He must have found out that it was me the last time I called and been really pissed when I did it again. I can't blame him, I did promise to not bother him again. But I couldn't keep that promise either I just wasn't strong enough. But him yelling at me and being mad at me didn't make me stop worrying and wondering if everything was ok, if he was ok. He never misses work ever and he was at home in the middle of the day. I had to keep on reassuring myself that he has lots of people who love him and will take care of him and I know that Michael will always be there to watch over him and make sure he's ok. I know that I have no right but I'm so grateful for that. He needs Michael to help him through this. Plus it helped me to have the strength to leave completely knowing that Brian had Michael and the rest of his family to look after him and make sure he was all right. And more importantly, to love him. "I can't call him. I won’t break my promise to him again." With that decided I get up from the table and move into the kitchen. I open up the knife drawer and pull out my favorite paring knife. I am constantly sharpening it so I know it should make it easy to cut through the skin. I want it as quick and easy as I can get it. With knife in hand, I go over to the couch and sit down. I put my feet up and sit Indian style. Knowing that all this is going to be over in just a few short minutes makes me feel just a tad bit better. I take the knife and put it to my left wrist. I push it in to the bottom of my palm and drag it up over my vein. I watch for a second as the blood starts to flow running off the sides. It hurt but not as much as I thought it would. The pain in my head outweighs it by far. I switch the knife to my other hand and put the blade to the bottom of my palm and run it up and over the vein. I put the knife down and watch for a second as the blood runs over my wrists, soaking into my jeans. I lean my head back and memories of Brian and me start rushing through my head. All the lies I told him and all the drama I put him through. Then there are all the times we were together, laughing and having sex. All the things he taught me. He made me so happy even though he didn't want anything to do with me. I have to tell him I have to....I force my eyes open, jesus they are already getting really heavy. I feel tired and weak and a little cold. I pick up the phone and think for a second… oh yes, wow I had to think of his number. It shouldn't be too much longer now. I dial Brian's number and hope that I get the answering machine...'ring......ring' "Hello?" mmmm Brian. ****************************************************************************** Brian's POV: When the phone rings. I jump up from the couch and run over to the counter to get it. It rings a second time before I snatch it up and answer. "Hello?" when no one answers. "Justin?" "Mmmm Brian." oh my god. It's him. My mouth suddenly goes dry and before I can get anything out he continues. "I just wanted to tell you....to um tell you " he sounds drunk. "I wanted to tell you how sorry I am and to thank you for everything you've done for me." "Jus....baby are you drunk?" I ask in a low comforting voice or at least I hope it is. I want him to stay on the line. "No.....no not drunk at allll." Well he's on something. "I love you Brian goodbye." "No, no, no, no, no, no!!!! I love you too. Please baby please." I cry into the phone but it's too late he already hung up. No something was wrong he was on something what if he took too much or god maybe… *69..... I press it into my phone but no luck, he's got it blocked, "GOD DAMN IT!!!!" The P.I., I'll call them, maybe they have a way to trace the call or something "Fuck" I don't know. But I have this horrible gut wrenching feeling in my heart and in the pit of my stomach that something is terribly wrong. "Focus. Fucking focus." I need to make the call to the P.I. I think I'm going to wait to call the ladies to see if they come up with anything, I'd hate to get their hopes up. So I dial up the P.I.'s to see if they can help....... ****************************************************************************** Justin's POV: I broke my promise again. Well are we really surprised? I mean obviously I'm not strong enough. Well he may not know it yet but he'll never have to worry about me breaking a promise to him again. Now I can keep my promise forever. I feel really bad about breaking my word but at the same time I am so glad I did. I got to tell him myself how sorry I am and how thankful I am to him. I also, for the first time, told him I love him.....oh that felt so great to tell him what I've been holding inside for so long. And he didn't yell at me. I'm really happy about that, I didn't want the last time I talked to him be him yelling at me. I actually have a smile on my face right now. Can you believe it? I haven't smiled in months. Brian's made this all okay for me. He let me say goodbye, he didn't yell at me he let me get out what I needed to say. Even though I was breaking my promise again. He is such a good man. I open my eyes and look at my lap. There is blood everywhere and I feel like I'm ready to sleep. But I really wanna see the sunlight before I go. Have it shining down on me, warming me maybe. I'm so cold. So I stand up and I feel like I'm going to fall over. Everything feels so distant and shaky. I grab a hold of the wall and steady myself before I start to inch closer to the windows. When I reach them I start using all the strength I have left and pull the curtains open. I begin to rip all the cardboard off the windows. "Ahhh." I whisper out, it feels so good to have the sunlight against my face. I can feel the warmth in my body. "Mmmm." I need to sleep but I don't want to move away from the window. I feel really dizzy and I just.....I'm trying to hold on but when I look to see there is blood everywhere. All over the floor, all along the wall, all over the couch and all over me. I start to shake a little it's so cold, I can't hardly feel my body anymore. Almost… over. My eyes are so heavy but I keep forcing them open. I wanna see the world for as long as I can. I live just outside of Chicago now in this beautiful little neighborhood. I can see the kids playing on the sidewalks, all the cars going by and the trees swaying in the light breeze. I can't keep my eyes open anymore. I close them and just feel the sun against my skin. I can feel myself drifting off. I can hear a song though just faintly. It's our song, Brian and mine. I can barely see him in the distance twirling me around. "Mmmm save the last dance for me." I grab hold of the curtains as I feel myself losing consciousness. They come crashing to the floor with me......